I guess you could call me a nerd. I got more excited for a new John Green vlog and chem homework than getting wasted on a Saturday night. I studied, pulled good grades and tutored. Yeah. I was a nerd.
The day Grace walked into the classroom where I holed up and ate my lunch was the day my life changed.
Grace was the girl I had been crushing on since freshman year. She was pretty, with bubblegum pink lips, gigantic aquamarine eyes and a sweet, sarcastic smile. Her hair was shaggy, falling to her shoulders, dark
brown.
“Grace.” I said, managing not to stutter. She didn’t seem surprised that I knew her name. Local tabloids knew her name. She sighed and pulled a cigarette from a pack.
“Hey, kid.” She said. Her voice was dark and smoky, “I hear you tutor. Which could be good for me.” she pulled out a lighter from her uniform skirt pocket.
“You can’t smoke here.” I said quickly. Grace sighed.
“I suppose you’re right. Which is a shame. But do you tutor?” she asked. I wonder if she felt it. It could have just been me, but I could feel electricity pulsing through the room. She dropped the cigarette and stomped it under her non-school-issue motorcycle boots.
“Yeah. I tutor. What do you need?” I asked. Grace sat down on a desk.
“Help in math. And history. And English.” Grace ticked off on her fingers. She focused her large eyes on me and frowned slightly, “you have your work cut out for you.” Silence fell around us. She was pretty, and she knew it. She reached her slim fingers around my wrist. No doubt she could feel my pulse racing under my skin. She leaned in, and I smelled the cheap, flowery perfume she wore. I was reminded of the old Fall Out Boy song, but she didn’t need it. It was just another way to breach the schools code of conduct.
“How about you and I meet tonight and see what we can do.” she let go of my wrist, seeming disappointed. I bet she was hoping I’d offer to do her homework for the rest of the year.
“I guess it’s a date, then.” she reached into my pocket, pulled out my cell phone and put her number in. That was Grace. Bold, daring, willing to take what she wanted.
“Text me,” she said, turned on her heel and clomped away. The smell of cheap perfume lingered after her.
She was a vixen. A toxic vixen. I had texted Grace the address of a quaint restaurant downtown. It was practically un-inhabited. I sat alone at a table that was low lit, in a private corner. The effect was overall romantic. It was the wrong effect.
Grace appeared, wearing a tight skirt, strapless top and black blazer. Her hair was straight, and she wore the highest heels I had ever seen. She flounced to the table and sat down.
“Do you take all your tutoring kids here?” she asked by the way of hello. She had no books.
“Only the ones I really like.” I said. Grace smirked. I put my history textbook on the table, flipping it over to the current chapter. I was eager to have something to talk about, so we wouldn’t have to sit in an awkward silence.
“No. I know the content.” Grace said, “I just get bored. I have other things to think of, you know.” I sat back and crossed my arms.
“Yeah, I know.” I said, “but what do you need help with?” Grace”s smirk widened into a smile, “do you maybe think I could have lied to spend some time with you?” she tapped her fingers on the table. Her nails were painted dark blue. She wasn’t wearing that perfume crap and her natural Grace smell was even more intoxicating.
“So,” she said, “what’s the story?”
“Well, Woodrow Wilson thought up the League of Nations.”
Grace laughed, tossing her head back. Her laugh was almost fake sounding, high pitched and nerve grating, “not the League of Nations. I mean you. I mean Nate. What’s your story?” I hadn’t really ever had a friend, let alone someone to tell my story too.
“I grew up in the south side of the city, musical older brother, he plays the guitar and I’ve worked my whole life to just be smart. My mother is a doctor, my father is a psychologist. Really, together, I’ve been over checked and over analyzed. I love my parents, but their suffocating. You’re turn.” I said quickly as possible.
“My mom left when I was seven. Basically it. My dad did a fantastic job of raising me. He says I dress like this and act out because I didn’t have a female influence growing up. Really, though, I just like acting like this. I mean, I won’t be able to talk back and smoke and ride on the backs of strange boys” motorcycles when I’m…”
“Dead?” I asked.
“Thirty.” Grace responded, and laughed again. She looked around her, surreptitiously checking out the other people who sat around the low-lit restaurant.
"This place is pretty, but hey, do you wanna go on an adventure?” She asked, leaning in conspirtally.
“Why type of adventure?” I had to ask. One could never be sure they”d be safe around Grace. She smiled at me and winked one big eye.
“You’ll have to come and see.” She held out her hand, looking at me expectantly. I hesitated for a moment, wondering if I’d get home before it got to late. Then I realized. That, and my mother, had always been my number one priority. Getting home on time so I could do my homework, have a nutrionally balanced dinner and get enough sleep so I was well-rested.
To hell with well-rested!
I grabbed her hand, and carelessly leaving my books haphazardly on the table and seat, we ran out of the restaurant together.
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125,027 Literary Works • 672,769 Reviews
Happy Review Day!
So I’ll be reviewing as I read, and then I’ll give some overall comments at the end. [I will also only be reviewing part of this due to personal time restriction]
1. First paragraph: frankly, I find this stereotypical ‘nerd’ portrayal a little bit of a reader-turn-off. I also see that you’re trying to show that the narrator is past his ‘nerdiness’, since you’re using past tense, but it seems a little weird when I’m reading it written like that.
2. “Yeah, I was a nerd” the “yeah *period*” is not necessary.
3. The second paragraph is a bit of a mouthful. “the classroom where I holed up [in] and ate my lunch” could be shortened, making the sentence “The day Grace walked into the classroom I at lunch in was the day my life changed.”
4. A sweet, sarcastic smile? I’m sorry hon, but that’s practically an oxymoron, and honestly not exactly the most complimentary thing to say.
5. “Her hair was shaggy, falling to her shoulders” doesn’t work. First of all, for a girl, having shoulder-length hair isn’t exactly considered ‘shaggy’. Keep it simple: “Her hair was dark brown and fell to her shoulders.”
6. “Grace.” Should be “Grace,” <== Notice the comma.
7. “She sighed… pocket” should be entered onto the line with the next sentence, where she’s talking. You could change the sentence to “She sighed and pulled a cigarette from a pack saying, “Hey, kid.” Her voice was …” etc.
8. Aaaaand the dialogue fails. The “I hear you tutor” should be ONE with the next sentence.
9. “Grace sighed” goes on a separate line, since it’s a response to your MC’s useless protest.
10. I’m just going to fix the next paragraph:
“I suppose you’re right,” She said, dropping the cigarette and stomping it under her motorcycle boots. “What a shame. But do you tutor?” she asked.
I wonder if she felt the electricity pulsing through the room.
Motorcycle boots are not issued at any school, so you can drop the ‘non-school-issue’, which doesn’t even makes sense in the first place.
11. “Yeah, I tutor. What do you need?”
12. GRACE SAT DOWN ON A DESK. ON THE NEXT LINE.
13. “You have your work…” capital Y.
14. Silence fell around them on the NEXT LINE, and she knows she’s pretty on the line after that.
14. You can stop after the mention of cheap perfume, because every detail after it is unnecessary and drags.
15. Unless Grace is declaring it a date, you should be hitting your ENTER key right before she reaches into the MC’s pocket.
16. Giving your number to someone is hardly bold and daring, and she’s not even taking anything at the moment, so the last part is ridiculous. If you insist on keeping the sentence, at least think about changing it to “That was Grace –bold, daring, and willing to take what she wanted.”
17. You’re trying to make Grace appear as a seductive little lady. Seductive little ladies don’t CLOMP away.
18. After your MC’s declaration of Grace’s vixen-ness, be sure to press that wonderful ENTER key again.
19. “I texted”, not “I had texted”
20. Uninhabited is actually one word, you know, so you don’t need the hyphen, as lovely as hyphens are.
21. “…Uninhabited. [ENTER] I sat alone…”etc.
22. So if this kid likes Grace, why would he think the romantic effect is all wrong?
And this is where I end the first half of my review.
Overall:
Unfortunately, the things I dislike about this story so far outweighs the thing I like by a longshot. I found the starting contrived, without exposition or character development. Your attempts at portraying Grace as a kick-ass rebel irritated me, and I didn’t find anything about her that would make your MC feel anything for her (other than her Mary Sue status and look). Your characters are flat as paper, and Grace’s attitude just makes me think of her as a lazy, unlikeable person.
There is nothing about this story that would compel me to read on, and it’s likely I will not be reviewing the rest.
Best of luck in your future endeavors, though.
-TSM
Hey! Overall, this was a really good story! I enjoyed reading it. The characters were really well described and the whole piece flowed quite nicely. The only things I found wrong were a few grammatical errors.
"What’s your story?” I hadn’t really ever had a friend, let alone someone to tell my story too.
The only problem here was that you used "too" to mean "as well" when you should have used "to".
Really, together, I’ve been over checked and over analyzed. I love my parents, but their suffocating. You’re turn.” I said quickly as possible.
Here, you should've said "but they're" because it is a contraction of "they are". Also when you said "you're turn" you should have said "your turn" because "your" is possessive, but "you're" is to mean "you are".
Other than these grammar issues, I think this was a really nice story! I would definitely love to see more. Great job and keep writing! BRAVO
Hi, I will do my best to keep this short and sweet,
Her hair was shaggy, falling to her shoulders, dark
brown.
This sentence is just a little confusing.
seeming disappointed. I bet she was hoping I’d offer to do her homework for the rest of the year.
I like the incite into both characters here.
I tried to pick out certain points to criticize but this story. I can appreciate the incites in the characters personalities without completely going out and saying it (aside from the beginning) cant wait to read the next chap.
Hey, Wonder. ^-^
So, at the mention of John Green, I perked up.. The story itself seemed to remind me of the relationship between Margo and Quentin. His focus on doing the right thing and never lying to his parents, and her being the outgoing punk kid who changes that.
"She was pretty, with bubblegum pink lips, gigantic aquamarine eyes and a sweet, sarcastic smile. Her hair was shaggy, falling to her shoulders, dark brown."
I think it might flow better if you make it :
"She was pretty, to say the least. With her bubblegum pink lips, gigantic aquamarine eyes and her sweet, sarcastic smile, it was hard not to gawk at her. Her dark brown, shaggy hair fell to her shoulders."
“I grew up on the south side of the city, with a musician for an older brother. He plays the guitar, where as I’ve worked my whole life to just be smart. My mother is a doctor, my father is a psychologist. Really, together, I’ve been over checked and over analyzed. I love my parents, but their suffocating. Your turn.” I said as quickly as possible.
“My mom left when I was seven. Basically it. My dad did a fantastic job of raising me. He says I dress like this and act out because I didn’t have a female influence growing up. Really, though, I just like acting like this. I mean, I won’t be able to talk back and smoke and ride on the backs of strange boys” motorcycles when I’m…”
Get rid of the “ after strange boys.
She smiled at me and winked with one big eye.”
“I hesitated for a moment, wondering if I’d get home before it got to late. Then I realized. That, and my mother, had always been my number one priority. Getting home on time so I could do my homework, have a nutrionally balanced dinner and get enough sleep so I was well-rested.”
“I hesitated for a moment, wondering if I’d get home before it got too late. Then, I recalled that my mother had always been my number one priority. Getting home on time so I could do my homework, have a well-balanced (Flows better, in my opinion.) dinner and get enough sleep so I was well-rested, so I could do it all over again the next day had always been a must do.
He didn’t realize something that had always been a certain way, he simply remembered it for the moment, I believe.. Also, “That, and my mother” doesn’t flow. Also, you never finished on why you had to do those things, or how they related to Nate’s mother.
I grabbed her hand, leaving my books haphazardly on the table and seat, we ran out of the restaurant together.
Good job! ill' review this sometime maybe.
Hey Wonder!
You know, when you're writing a story it becomes a formal process so it's always good if you use less number of abbreviations and avoid them wherever possible. So, I think that this 'chem' should be 'chemistry' because even abbreviations should be used for a reason.Mia here to review you. I hope I can help you with this chapter of yours. ^_^
See, you could write this like this-Her laugh sounded fake... I don't know why, but I like this better. Besides, there's a weird ring to 'fake sounding'.
You can use something else to describe the restaurant. Inhabited mostly is used for some place where you have to reside, though there can be exceptions. But this sentence would look better if you use some other word like 'desolate' or 'empty' or something else to that context.
I like her attitude. She's cool, methinks.
I think you have problem differentiating between 'to' and 'too'. I'd really like you to Google it up and clear this doubt. I've quoted two examples for you so that you can understand your mistake. Besides, I'd like to give an example on how to use the two words:
I used them together on purpose so you could spot the difference.
I won't say I really liked it because quite frankly I didn't. I'm sorry if I come out harsh but I wasn't really into it when I was reading. All the while I was busy making notes mentally on where you could have done better and how a certain situation could have been made interesting.
I won't say it was bad because it wasn't, honestly. For me, it rests somewhere between good and bad-average. I think the story was good, interesting but your writing could use some work.
The Story
It's not the first time I've read something about a relationship story between people who are poles apart. Although the saying "Opposites attract" is quite old I am not a big fan of it, honestly. It's plain stupid to think that people with nothing common between them can fall in love. Pardon me if I'm pre-judging but I happen to sense that these two people will surely fall in love.
I said I liked the story. I do, honestly. Because I like these two characters. They're not the world's most unique characters, but they interest me. Besides, I want to see what will the conflict of your story will be. Love stories are hard to write because it's hard to find conflicts for them, but if you do happen to find a good one, the world is yours. At least, the writing world. So, you should shape up the story's conflict and keep it as your main priority.
The Descriptions:
You need to work on them. I won't lie that you didn't describe anything and that whatever you described was boring. I liked how you described Grace. It was because of your descriptions probably that I started liking her.
But then you could have described a hell more but you didn't. Like-the perfume? You said it's crap and cheap, but had I been you, I might have added that it smelled like toiler cleaner or something? Just use your imagination.
Plus, what about the restaurant? It seems like you're only concentrating on Grace. Which you should, I won't deny that but could you also take into consideration the atmosphere?
Overall:
The writing is really simple for my writing. But you don't stress yourself out over that fact because it's just my choice. But I think you have a big room for improvement. I'd really love to help you if you want.
But your characters are interesting even if they are polar opposites. I like the way you Grace thinks and acts, and I can tell right from here that this is going to be a fun novel.
Just this little something that was bothering me. Don't you think these two revealing their story blatantly, without any hesitation was a bit odd? I thought so.
I am very much interested to read what happens next and would you mind notifying me whenever you update this novel?
Hey there ww, Ita here to review chapter one. I reviewed chapter two first, and something just struck me now.
The main character is a guy?! O.o
I guess it's this passage that tells me this:
Speaking of which, nerve grating should have a dash connecting them, as should high pitched, and the comma after grating should be a period.
Back-tracking a bit, let me start from the beginning.
The start isn't that much of a hook, although I've seen worse, granted.
Errr... formatting error here? Grammatically, replacing it like this should work better: 'Her dark brown hair was shaggy, falling to her shoulders '
More tiny-nip-pick mistakes can be found here:
(there needs to be a comma instead of the period after 'Grace')
and here:
.
Other minor mistakes are interspersed throughout the text, nothing major.
Even if Nate is intoxicated with this vixen, it seems he knows of Grace's reputation. He seems to be brought up in a strict and cautious family life, so why, all the sudden, would he rush off on an adventure?
In the next chapter, you ramped up the tension, but this one is pretty flat and uninteresting, if I do say so myself. You should work on that somehow. It also seemed to wrap up a bit too quickly.
However, it's still good. Keep it up!
Hope this helped,
Ita
#TeamRed
Hi, TazmaniaGirl to review here!
Ths is a great piece of writing, I couldn't stop reading it!
I was drawn in by the first sentance, and that is what you need to do with a story.
I liked the flow of it, but, it went a little fast. One minute, they're in a classroom, next, their in a Restraunt.
I would have liked to know a little bit more about the characters, like what Nate had texted her, and how they met up.
For me, it went a little fast.
Also, there are some punctuation problems, and minor spelling mistakes. I will let you proof read.
OVERALL -
Great read! I'm going to read the second chapter, WELL DONE!
Hi there.
Those, I think, you can easily correct. Just go through your work again.So this was good but there were some things I'd like to point out to you.
Firstly in the begining chapter. If you plan to start it out that way I think it would be better to get readers to be able to picture this really nerdy dude better. Well you gave us some info but I don't think it's much. I'm not really feeling it. What you could probably do is write in some instances where he does something really nerdy or maybe the way he thinks.You want to create that image in the readers mind so that they know what type of person the main character is.
Then theres the transitioning from one idea to the other. I think the way Grace approaches Nate could have been done better. For example you could maybe write out a situation that readers would be curious in knowing how the two characters meet up. Like if you wrote that he stayed after school and finished up work then saw her with the teacher on his way out then he forgot that he left a book and went back and then he see's her....Thats just an example. Build up a situation in which readers will understand properly how she meets up with him.
So when they meet up in the restaurant I felt that things went a bit to fast. I think you could have slowly brought up the idea of her liking him. You know, build it up to that point. This too seemed a bit plain. I think you can you know add more meat into it. You can do it.
Also I think you need to be more descriptive. Help us readers get a clear image of what you want to see and also add more information wherever you can and want.
There were just a few grammar problems...like
also why is this written out this way?
I think it would look fine just in one line.
I like the part where Nate answerd "dead?"
Although the line before it had a grammatic mistake
Also this part was kind of confusing.
Again with the pacing, I think it would be best if you slowed down. Grace making a move so quick and Nate changing his way is happening too fast. You want to let readers get familiar with their personalities a bit.
I hope this has helped
-zo
I personally thought this piece was quite good, the flow of events and the short but informative descriptions. But I thought your piece was...missing something. An atmosphere really. The story lacked the necessary mood and tone to me. The dialogue was there, and the facial expressions showed some hints. And I thought that, even though, the writing was smooth and flowing, you could have touched up a bit on your descriptions and so forth. The MC, to me, was contradicting himself and his actions and emotions sometimes were muted and muffled. But I quite liked Grace and her attitude. Aside from a lacking of a specific something,... I'd say you're well on your way to writing a a good book.