Teenage angst, brought to you by, well, me. Oh! Notice there isn't a chorus?
Smile pretty and hide the pain
‘Cause you’re not allowed to be down’, you say
And it’s just part of your bigger game
You don’t care, anyway
I’m sick of pretending
Everything is okay
Why can’t you notice my broken smile
And say ‘I’m sorry, so sorry’
But you still lie
And I still cry
Nothing will ever change
Just let the rain wash you
Out of my hair
I’m not who you want me to be,
That much is clear
I can’t always be there
To cheer during your failure
Maybe it’s best if you just left
Forget about me, and everything we could be
Cause, what’s the point of hope
If you used to have it all?
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,027 Literary Works • 672,769 Reviews
Hello, WW! Figured out I'd do review in the lyrics section, and I came to your work. My problem here, yeah I'm going to have a problem here as I review, is that I have no idea of how this sounds. I've got no melody, therefore I can't tell the chopping of the words. If there's still no melody to this, I'd have to say that I'm not so sure how some of the lines will fit. First stanza is OK. The rhymes were there. The rhythm was also there. But when it gets to stanza two, that's where I think the words were coming a wee bit off. And then we only regain the rhymes at parts, which is kind of not that good for a song. There and failure, BTW, whether it was intentional or not, was an OK rhyme. And this is a fine song anyway. I LOLed at it while reading. It's true for some teenagers - but not all.
Keep writing!
CSI Jash ♥
This poem is excellent, and very accessable. My main critique would be that, because the lines are so short, the ryhmes become a little overwhelming. Their is plenty of room in your poem for extra imagery/descriptiveness that would make for good cusion between the rhymes. I am in no way advocating filler, but it is something to think about as you read through your poem. The sense of hurry is good for conveying anger or pain, but sometimes it is more powerful if you dwell a little in certain areas to really draw out the pain. Fantastic peice of work though! Cootoes
Hello, Wicked!
I'm Allie, I'll be your reviewer today.
My thoughs/comments are in #FF0000 ">Red.
All in all, this is a great song, and it can only use some minor touch ups! I look forward to seeing more from you!
It's been a pleasure
~Allie Rose~