http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LEBrjCasRSQ-That's the song. If you listen, listen all the way through. I used a writing prompt that said to use the first line of a song.
He woke up from dreaming and put on his shoes. He had headache, that much he was sure of. It was hard now, trying to keep the days and nights separate. He was told that a big bottle of bourbon wouldn't help. He did it anyway. Anything to take away the pain, the pain that had plagued him since.
He toyed with his wedding band as he stumbled through the hallway down to his kitchen. It wasn't what he was expecting, as two plates, glasses, one still half full of orange juice stood on the deserted table.
He saw her. She was right here. Her light blonde hair and wide, baby blue eyes. Mary, pretty little Mary, with her knowing wink as she sat at he usual place at the table. He stumbled towards her, still hung-over. His heart was beating faster, and faster, and he wanted to pick her up, kiss her, and take her right up stairs.
He put his hands on the table and opened his mouth to say something. Before his eyes, Mary vanished, once again leaving him alone. He sunk to the tiled kitchen floor and held his head in his hands, destined to be alone forever.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,027 Literary Works • 672,769 Reviews
Hello there.
Upstairs should be one word.
Okay, so this was short. I need more details. I've listen to the song countless times, since it was my favorite song for a while, and I've imagined the story to be like that. I mean, I wrote a short story about that particular song and posted it on YWS a few weeks ago, and it's nice to know that you have a different perspective on the story behind the song then I have. But, the problem remains that this is really short. And I like details.
What happened to Mary? Does he see her a lot? How many years have he 'waited' for her? I think that if you get a little more details in this, it could help with the storyline and the aparence of cliche. Amplifier was right, and there's something about the story we've already seen numerous times, but like I said, if you give us a little more details on the story, it could be your own.
Great story, and keep writing!
-Other One
I liked it. It was written from an older perspective from what we're used to seeing on here. The description was good. It was a very short piece, but I feel like it's pretty close, and almost the same to some of the ones I've seen on here. Guy hallucinates about girl, girl vanishes, guy's sad. It just seems forgettable almost.
Honestly, it was good, but you might want to elaborate on it a little more. Sorry if I was harsh, but keep writing!
its really good i like it,
with this you might want to add a coma instead of a period since it's just a pause
since when? who is mary? why does he seem so upset? what pain? the headache? what happened to mary?
thats about all, really good peice you could defiantly expand it!
I'll be honest, I read this just because of the song. I absolutely love the song, it's so cute yet sad. </3
You forgot to add in an "a".Your story was really good as well. It painted a clear picture and went well with the song. My only suggestions are the same two that the other reviewer mentioned. Along with:
Also, I think that you should combine this sentence:
If you think the sentence is too long then you could stop it at "Mary vanished" and then make your second sentence: "She once again left him alone." Whichever you think sounds better.
Also, I'm pretty bad a verb tenses, but I think you need to change:
Change "here" to "there".
Overall, I enjoyed it and loved how you based it on that song!
Since when?
That's "her" usual place. I think you manage to tell a very complete story in a few words, which is the idea here.