I wrote this for my grade eleven drama class. I want to do my ow monologue, but my drama teacher wont consider it unless it is perfect. Please go super hard on this.
(Everything in italics are stage directions.)
And I know its short-it's supposed to be.
[Taryn Collins is nineteen years old. She lives in New York City, going to NYU and has an abusive boyfriend.]
[Taryn is sitting alone in her bedroom, sitting on her bed.]
When you think of relationships, you think of roses and chocolates. When I think of relationships, I think of fear, pain and bruises. Every time he calls my name, I freeze, wondering if this would be the last time. Then I can hear him, stepping up the stairs, walking up the hallway. My heart stops, [Taryn draws circles on her bed with a finger. She’s shaking. Her voice begins to become faster.] then he throws open the door. I can smell the whiskey on his breath-he’s been drinking. He’s yelling, I probably forgot to do the dishes or clean the kitchen. He raises his hand and I flinch, waiting for the strike. [Taryn looks up, stops and takes a deep breath. Her voice returns to normal.] It never comes. My breath starts to come out in short, shaky gasps, and I wonder what’s happening. We lock eyes. He says something else, muttered, and leaves. My hearts starts to race again. I have avoided death now, but for how long?
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Again, Locked.
I have already seen this one somewhere on here. The beginning of this is a great way to start something off, but it needs more emotion and expression. Also, please conclude better. Other than that, great job and great story line.
Hello, I'm Nephthys. I will be your reviewer for today.
I would suggest cutting this bit. The reader will figure it out on their own.
I would add "probably". The audience doesn't like to be told what they think.
Watch out for verb tenses.
If Taryn is actually scared of this guy, I would suggest using more evocative words than "stepping" and "walking"; like "creeping" or "storming" for example. Also, I think people usually walk down hallways?
When writing scripts, less is more. Only include a stage direction if it's important to the understanding of the story, and if the actor might not interpret it that way. Drawing circles on the bed is not really important, and the actor will probably talk faster on her own. If you think a stage direction is necessary I would suggest simply "faster".
If she can smell the whiskey on his breath, we know that he's been drinking. I would suggest making "he's been drinking" more relevant by adding something else- "Of, course", "again" etc.
Most of the time when you get hit, it doesn't kill you. "Death" seems to be a slightly extreme word choice for this situation. If he's taking the shotgun off the wall and pointing it at her, then "death" would be a good word choice.
Overall:
I can tell that you've put a lot of work into this. It's a dynamic scene, so a good choice for a monologue
I hope your drama teacher lets you perform it
That was amazing but i think you should continue...you could actually write something full time from that. Thumbs up!
Okay, I hope this isn't coming too late, but here I go anyways.
I really liked the premise of the monologue but I think you can make it more of a problem solving matter. What you have is considered descriptive and the problem with that is that you will have trouble holding the attention of the audience. If your character can be conflicted with the decision to leave the boyfriend, it will be more engaging to the audience. That doesn't mean you need to completely change the monologue, you can still have that particular story in it, but if is more about a certain situation that she is contemplating than just a narration of events, you will have an easier time getting the teacher to agree with it.
Now onto format.
This is fine, but you need to separate it into different categories to avoid confusion for the reader (your teacher). Here is what I'd do:
TARYN COLLINS -- Female. 19 years old.
Setting: New York City apartment.
The abusive boyfriend comes out clearly in the dialogue so it doesn't need to be mentioned. This is for clarity and casting purposes normally, but it also looks nice when trying to impress a drama teacher. I speak from experience.
As for stage directions, you are not falling into the trap of too much information, but only just. I will not dwell too much on it, but generally the less information the better when it comes to play writing because actors and directors will ignore it anyways. Monologues tend to ignore that rule, though... I'll leave it up to you, though but it may look neater if omitted entirely. Don't hesitate to PM me if you have any questions and good luck getting this on stage!
Moved to Scripts.
[Taryn Collins is nineteen years old. She lives in New York City, going to NYU and has an abusive boyfriend.]
[Taryn is sitting alone in her bedroom, sitting on her bed.]
When you think of relationships, you think of roses and chocolates. When I think of relationships, I think of fear, pain and bruises. Every time he calls my name, I freeze, wondering if this would be the last time. #800080 ">Then I can hear him, stepping up the stairs, walking up the hallway. My heart stops, [Taryn draws circles on her bed with a finger. She’s shaking. Her voice begins to become faster.] #800080 ">then he throws open the door. I can smell the whiskey on his breath-he’s been drinking. He’s yelling, I probably forgot to do the dishes or clean the kitchen. #800080 ">He raises his hand and I flinch, waiting for the strike. [Taryn looks up, stops and takes a deep breath. Her voice returns to normal.] It never comes. #800080 ">My breath starts to come out in short, shaky gasps, and I wonder what’s happening. We lock eyes. He says something else, muttered, and leaves. My hearts starts to race again. I have avoided death now, but for how long?[/quote]
I'm kind of sad this is all your going to post on this. I really like it.
I'm not an expert of script writing but wouldn't the words in purple be shown instead of said?
You need a comma in some places where you don't have them but it's easy to see.