Published January 29, 2011
Ahaha, yup. Totally rewritten. Enjoy! (Oh, and the whole Lalalala, Blahblahblahblah, Singsingsing, Sing a random song thing? intentional.
When we had talked for the first time, I had been just recovering from that awful tragedy. I was shaky and shy, under 24 hours watch by my parents. They were scared of what I’d do, but my parents had confiscated my cell phone, laptop, and car. I had literally been on suicide watch, which was fitting.
I watched Tyler Shaw closely as I strummed on my guitar. I sung an original I wrote, and the only thing I could think about was how if they let me in, my parents would kill me.
Lalalala
Blahblahblahblah
Singsingsing
Sing a random song
I was trying out for Wild, a band formed by three kids from my high school-Tyler Shaw, Luke Veerman, and Cameron Carr. Luke tapped his fingers on the table, look as if he’d rather be reading then watching me. Cameron had a smirk on his face, as if he was entertaining himself with a private joke.
Lalalala
Blahblahblahblah
Singsingsing
Sing a random song
Tyler wrote something down on the pad of paper infront of him. He causually sipped his glass of Mountain Dew and stared at me as I continued to sing
Lalalala
Blahblahblahblah
Singsingsing
Sing a random song
Lalalala
Blahblahblahblah
Singsingsing
Sing a random song
Lalalala
Blahblahblahblah
Singsingsing
Sing a random song
I stopped singing and Tyler stood up. He had that look in his eye, one that was filled with curiosity.
“You did well,” Tyler said, “I won’t deny that.”
“Let her in.” Cameron said. He ran a hand through his already spiked hair, “you have it written right there.” Luke smirked.
“He’s right.” Tyler continued. “If you want to be our lead singer, it’s open for you.” I put my guitar into it’s case and pulled out my bus pass.
“Oh, I’ll think about it.” I said with a smirk. With that, I left the Vreemans’ garage, shouldering my purple hobo bag as I walked into the LA sun.
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140,359 Literary Works • 673,124 Reviews
Hey Wicked,
I'll be honest here, and I hope it's not brutal honesty, I don't mean to be, promise.
This first chapter, is it a chapter? Kinda short. Well, like everyone else has said your not letting us into your character, I wanna know what the tragedy was, did someone commit suicide, did she? I'm lost on that point, there's not enough description, I'm sorry but there's not.
Also, I know your probably not a song writer, but at least come up with something a little better for her song, it's I'm sorry, but it's like you gave up on that part, and for this scene the song is the main component. This is your introduction to your character, this is her time to shine in front of these three guys, and for me it fell a little flat, I'm sorry, really sorry. Because this has promise lots of promise, I can tell you that now. I will continue reading this because I want to know what happens next, I want to know this girls story.
P.s I love the title!
Addawen
Hiya Wicked! Luxy here to review for ya.
Okay, this was a good start. I would have liked to know more about why her parents are keeping her under constant surveilance and why they would kill her if she tried out for the band. Also, you need way more descriptions and you need to give us more background on your main character. Right now its in need of some more flavor. I think when you get your lyrics in there it will be a lot better. I've read some of your lyrics and I really, really enjoyed them. Considering that she wrote the music, I think it would give us a little more insight into her character and personality. So basically, add some more detail, get the lyrics in there, and go from there.
Keep it up!
Luxy
HAPPY REVIEW DAY!!!! *clears throat* alright then, that was awkward... oh well. I'm here to review this lovely new piece!
color - comments
color - spelling/grammer
color - edits overall
color - delete
Mhm, well, it could have been better. You do alot of tell not show, and your description is lacking. You have too add as much description as you can, it'll fill your story. Us readers do not want to fill in the blank spots.
OVERALL: Great idea and story, so far. I like it that she's getting into a band. But, there is no emotion or feelings either. Is she nervous when she sings or confident? Show not Tell.
I do that a lot as well, it pisses me off that I can't do the show that well, I tell too much ha-ha. But add more description and show!
Great Job!
Nike
Keep Writing!
Hi, Wickedwonder! I'll review you today
Who is your main character referring to? She didn't really talk to anyone in here and I'm a little confused. And if she's on suicide lock down why is she auditioning for a band? And why is she trying to kill herself? I think if you could make these things a little clearer, it would be really, really good. It has a lot of potential.The first thing I noticed about this piece was that it didn't really seem to have a point. There was no defined beginning, middle, and end. Also, I need more information on your main character. What's her name? What does she look like ? How old is she? You start with
Happy Review Day!
Sierra.
Ww,I shall be your reviewer today! Now, isn't that exciting?
First on the agenda, this was a short, sweet piece. It seemed more like a short-short story to me, but I can also see how it can go on.
Second, do I sense something for Taylor? Hmmm. It could just be me... Or it could be something. I will have to read the next chapter to find out if it is true.
Third, use you WW mad skills to make some kick-arse lyrics! It gives me the intention that she doesn't give a crap about this audition.
This was a very nice piece, I liked it a lot! It had good imagery and I REALLY want to know what makes her want to commit suicide. Good Bye- I'm off to read the next part!
Just quickly, those crappy lyrics are only there because I wanted to see how the lyrics would fit before I wrote the song, something I can't do until next month.
Heyo!
SO, I haven't read the other draft, so I'm going to comment purely based on this chapter.
First, there's a lot of those lines in one page. Not good at all. See, thing is, I like you're building up of the song, but to show it so many times to a reader isn't good. I read it once. The rest of the 3/4 times, I skip over. I want the story.
I think there should be a better flow from the first para to the second.
As far as this chapter goes, it's too short and boring. Nothing excites me as a reader to continue save that a girl got into a high-school band.
You need to elongate it.You have to have a pretty powerful start to hook in the reader. I'm not saying you should give out your main plot and shtuff, but make the start powerful. Maybe play on why she's sad or how entering the band would mean so much, even if her parents would kill her.
In short, I like the premises of your start. You need to add more to it.
PM me if you have any questions. ^^
Cheers,
~Lava
It should be longer first off, and second off way more descriptive. I honestly didn't like it. I mean seriously, her song??? Not to be rude or anything... but....
Ok I really like this. I'm just gettint back into writing after a tuff week. I really do like this but I wish it was longer. I really do like this and I can't wait for you to write more. Keep up the good work and keep writing. Ps love your story 100%.
Hi Wiki! Lavvi in to review.
A nice original piece. I really enjoyed it.
First off, I'd like to address the words you've used. Don't get me wrong, there's nothing bad about them, it's just that you used the word 'watch' (or 'watched' in one area) numerous times, all in one area. It made the beginning seem a bit repetitive. Usually a thesaurus comes in handy for these types of things and an Online Thesaurus is always there if you need it.
Jetpack's already done a great review and tackled most points, but I'd like to stress about the dialogue punctuation. Just pay attention to it
Lavvi
So, this is my first review of Reviewing Sunday! Forgive any odd phrases here; it's late where I am.
There are a fair few typos here, and grammar mistakes, which I won't point out because I think you'll probably spot them easily when you proof-read. Alternatively, just read your work aloud. It's more interesting for you, and has the side effect of allowing you to spot problems with flow. You also need to watch your dialogue punctuation.
"He's right," Tyler continued.
Just remember that the dialogue tag is technically part of the sentence within the speech marks, so you just use a comma. Other than that, I get the feeling this has been rushed a little.
I take it the song lyrics are to be inserted at a later date. Depending on what they are, you need to insert different degrees of characterisation. Having read your first draft, I actually prefer that to this, as it is so far. Here, we don't get to see much of the MC, to the point where gender is almost indistinguishable until the last moments of this chapter. You introduce four characters here. We have to have a little more to go on. It's in first person, too, so you have a lot of opportunity to develop your MC and give her a memorable voice.
You begin by mentioning this tragedy. Having read the other draft, I know that it's Nate's suicide, so I understand her remarks, but a new reader would be confused by the reference to the event and then subsequent abandoning of it. There's a brief mention of the suicide, but nothing more, and then it descends into a girl trying out for a band, with apparently no reference to the opening paragraph. They could be totally different stories. Why does she want to try out for the band? Why is she maintaining eye contact with Tyler?
The song lyrics are a moot point. If they reference the suicide, and cover some emotions, they might make up for some of the brevity, but you're going to have to expand this chapter to really give us a decent introduction to your characters. I like the idea, especially if you're going to explore the effects this suicide has on the MC, but you have to be realistic about it. She's obviously grieving, given the first paragraph. How does this affect her relationships? For that matter, what are her main relationships? There's very little to go on.
So, expand and conquer.
- Jet.
It could be longer, but it's pretty good. There's a couple of knit-picks, but no major issues. I do wish that there was a little more plot in this section, but for its length it tells enough.
It’s in front, and the other is spelled casually.
In this case you use its.