A/N~Another one of the shorts I wrote for NaNo, I'm just spinning it in a different style.
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In high school, you loved words. Not books, not essays, or short stories, but words. You would spend so many unprecedented hours with a dictionary, figuring out words like superfluous and surreptitious, memorizing them, using to try to impress girls. With her, however, there are so many feelings that you just cannot name.
Koi No Yokan~Knowing two people are going to fall in love. The moment you talked to her, nervously running your hand through your hair, waiting for an invitation to sit down, watching her assess you, you knew there was something there.
La Douleur Exquise~The heart wrenching feeling of wanting something you cannot have, also seen in the way she smiles at you, with the sunlight refracting off her wide brown eyes, and her lips pulling into a laugh.
Forelsket~Falling in love with someone for the first time, even though you shouldn’t fall in love with her, and the way purses her lips when she’s thinking, or how she stares out the bus window, dreaming of something she cannot and will not put into words. The way she flips past pages in her textbook, or wrinkles her nose when she sneezes. No. You are not falling in love.
Ilunga~A person who is willing to forgive abuse the first time; tolerate it the second time, but never a third time. And you are careful around her, and the words you use. Because she’s guarded, and she knows why you stumble over your words, trying to say the perfect thing every time, even though you can’t speak so close to her vanilla scent. She is too kind-hearted. Look where it got her.
Retrouvailles~Meeting again after a long time. Because every day you are apart feels like an eternity, and every moment you’re together is gone too soon.
Saudade~a deep emotional state of nostalgic longing for an absent something or someone that one loves. When you spend one day apart, it feels like an eternity. Your heart aches for her laugh, her little hand in your big one, the way your heart races and your thoughts scramble. You want her more than anything.
It is quite an unfortunate want.
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125,027 Literary Works • 672,769 Reviews
Hey there, wonderland! I'm StoryWeaver, here to review!
Anyway, I like this story, but I do feel as though there is some definite room for improvement. It is bursting with potential, and it is SO CLOSE, but it's just missing that final, subtle "umph."
Now, as is, it really is endearing; I happen to have a love of lexical gaps (they make a language special, right?) and find that they are often very beautiful in the way they express such unique emotional situations. You even included some of my favorites! You utilized them well, too, in the way that they progressively led through the story. Still, I felt as though the list-like aspect almost hindered it a little. Perhaps this is personal preference, but it made it almost like a check-list for me, as though you were working too hard to include these words. It still sounds good and flows well, but I think I would've liked to see a little more substance beyond that.
Still, I'm very picky about romantic fiction, because I don't think that it should be sappy...if it's really trying to grasp a deeper emotional connection, after all, it should have more of an honest and loving tone. This succeeded in that regard, and I don't say that very often. Just slow this down and don't rush it so much, and you will have a great piece of writing.
Oh, and as an important side-note, the last line was lovely.
Keep writing, and best wishes. xxx
Hello there,
You are my second review for the day!
Honestly, this story made me smile, and not many stories do. It was written quite sweetly and simply, something I really appreciate in a romantic work. It's not over the top in describing the desire the narrator is feeling for the love for the love of their life.
Another factor I really enjoyed was the encorporations of the different un-nameable feelings that one feels when they are in love. The funny thing is while I was reading the story I was also learning the "words" and descriptions for the emotions of love. Rather fantastic if I do say so myself. My favorite was perhaps "Retrouvailles," which sounds somehow familiar to me more or less.
The last thing I would like to mention would be the amazing feat of me finding only two edit to nit-pick on! Congrats on that!
Here it is:
"even though you shouldn’t fall in love with her, and the way purses her lips when she’s thinking,"
It should be:
"even though you shouldn't fall in love with her, and the way *she* purses her lips when she's thinking,"
The second one is in the structure of the same sentence:
Falling in love with someone for the first time, even though you shouldn’t fall in love with her, and the way purses her lips when she’s thinking,"
"Falling in love with someone for the first time, even though you shouldn’t fall in love with them. Or the way she way purses her lips when she’s thinking,"
It just felt a tid-bit strange to me because in the beginning of the sentence is the definition of Forelsket and is very general about this "someone." Then it transfers to being speific about this "she"
Maybe something more like this?
"Falling in love with someone for the first time, even though you shouldn’t fall in love with them. Or the way she way purses her lips when she’s thinking,"
This sentence is sort of awkward also, sorry. But my nitpick is to just make the transition from definition general to specific persona.
Anyways, loved it! The whole story really caused me to get in there in nitpick for edits and I could only come up with these two suggestions. Keep writing!
-Jadefox
Hey Wiki!
So, I wasn't really sure how to review this piece at first because I wasn't really sure what it was. My first impression when I read it was generally positive, as I think it was written really well and the order of these words was quite effective in telling a story with it.
I think your first paragraph is really good, and just generally your style of writing is really nice as it keeps the reader interested and it was paced quite well because it wasn't boring or anything like that. And the last line is fantastic.
Improvements I would suggest is, well, I'm not really sure what this is. It's a bit short, unless you were intending for it to be short. I'm honestly not really sure what to say about improvements, I guess just maybe add a bit more description and anecdote type things. I think your style or writing is good, but it just needs to be a bit longer.
Sorry, this review isn't very long, I wasn't really sure what to say! xD
Keep Writing!
-Arc