Published September 29, 2011
You came so far
from a burning building, stars in your eyes
you don't know where to go
We ran
past every single sign
telling us to slow down
We waited, waited
Everything stayed the same
I needed to
let go
Cause you promised me I'd only be ordinary
But look where that got us now
we're still not talking, still not breathing right
We need another sign
but we don't know what to do,
so I'd stay and wait for you
We ran
past every single sign
saying 'danger, turn back now'
We waited, until everything changed,
but look where that got us
And you promised me I'd only be ordinary-
A smile faded with time
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140,359 Literary Works • 673,124 Reviews
Hi there!
First off, I agree with Idraax that this could be expanded more. I also genuinely liked this but I feel like it lacked a few things. Detail is the main one, and emotion is another. You've set the scene well in my mind but I want to feel what this person is feeling and be able to sympathize a little more.
-This was my favourite stanza, mainly because the image of a 'danger' sign fits this piece of writing well and it almost leads me to believe that the characters are rebellious in a sense? Maybe I'm just imaging things, but that was what I gained from this stanza.
Overall, I enjoyed it and you if you don't have to change anything you don't want to. Just trying to help!
Happy writing
-Briggsy
I like this! I'm a little confused by what's going on though. I get the sense that something happened to their relationship, but I can't tell what happened. I do like your word choice and your first and last stanzas. I feel like you can leave your first and last stanzas as they are, but I think you should expand your middle. I read the entire thing and kind of went "that's all"? I think you have something here, but I think it needs to be polished a little more before I can actually understand what you're referring to. Great start though!