The dark. I can feel it closing on me with it's ruthless reaming. I shudder, feeling like they were closer then before.
"Cold, Kitty?" It's Sawyer, along with Luke and Tom. We are standing on our schools deserted grounds, armed with spray paint. Kitty. The nickname given to me to hide my old, boring name-Catherine.
"Yes." I say, "I'm freezing." Not a lie. Miami’s air is colder then usual, and my bare arms are covered in goosebumps. Saywer takes off his jacket, wraps it around my shoulders, holding me closely. My heart flutters and I smile shyly. Sawyer and I have been dating for two weeks. Two weeks of perfection.
"Get a room, guys." Tom yells. His sweet, open baby face is silhouetted by the moonlight, his wicked grin easy to see. I scan around him, trying to make sure I don’t see any crazy dark ‘I-will-rip-you-to-shreds’ demons around. Nothing. This puts my heart at ease, and I can go back to my task of pretending to care what illegal activities Sawyer and his friends did after midnight.
"Permission to punch him?" I whisper to Saywer. He laughs and lets me go, lighting a cigarette instead. He passes me one, and I take it, letting him light it. I stand for a second, watching Tom draw on the walls with paint. He's so quiet and focused, and I find it's almost hypnotic watching him.
Then I hear it. A low rustling, something like evil-beast-from-Hell wings. I want to run away right now. I’m scared of those demons, with blood on their teeth and rotting corpse on their breath. Just the thought makes me want to throw up.
"I'll be right back." I say. Sawyer takes a step towards me, but says nothing.
"Five minutes." I promise and pull a knife from my boot. I walk away from the boys, pulling a knife from my boot.
Silence. It is as eerie as it is comforting. I look around, leaning against the school building.
Maybe I imagined it?
I drop my cigarette on the ground, putting it out with my boot. My breath becomes slower, and I’m waiting for the attack. Waiting. Waiting.
A scream rises into the dead night air, loud and blood curdling and high pitched. I duck, falling to my knees, covering my ears.
I can hear a dull thud, and I begin to run away, back to Sawyer and the boys. I look back again, over my shoulder, seeing the dreaded darkness. No. Being able to see demons is not fun.
It’s right behind me, finished with it’s first course, now hoping I’d be it’s second. I trip attempting to pull my knife from my boot again and curse. Cat, please remember to find wrist sheathes.
It’s on top of me. I can feel the breath, hot on my neck, feel it's scaly claw make a cut on my face. I stab upward, my breath stuck in my throat. I don't expect to breathe anytime soon.
I miss my target-the heart- the blade hits the stomach, making the demon mad. Very mad. I only have a few seconds to push it off me and run back towards where Saywer and the other were, happily drawing crude things on the school wall. It hasn’t even been five minutes. Either that or they weren’t worried.
"Sawyer?" my voice comes out as a whimper. Saywer turns around, running towards me. He wraps his arms around me, wiping the blood on my face.
"What happened?" he asks. His voice is full of concern, and I'm touched. The girl you've been dating for two weeks is totally crazy, sees hell-sent demons and totally just narrowly escaped with her life.
"Can we please go?" I whine instead. Saywer pulls me close, ignoring Luke and Tom's catcalling.
"Lets go." Saywer says, taking my hand. Confidently and quickly, he pulls me off the school lot and into his little black Mazada. We drive away and I don't look back.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,027 Literary Works • 672,769 Reviews
Hey Wicked
This looks very promising. It's well written, intense and just leaves me a bunch of question to be answered.
All the other above pointed out the mistakes I've noticed.
Keep on writing this!
-Truth-
This was cute and short, and I think I understand your title now.
I have two minor things that caught my eye that I can easily recall. One at that beginning. This:
You should have added "in" before "on me". And one other thing --you misspelled Mazda.
Hey WW, Stella here!
I. NITPICKS
he's, she's, it's, his, her, its.
Is this necessary information right at that moment?
Read this: topic44898.html . It'll change your life.
Read this. See my problem? xD
Okay.
II. OVERALL
What I love about this is that it serves up everything a beginning should serve, some action, some conflict, a protagonist and her situation and a bit of her own character. That's all great and I love it! If I were to challenge you to do something with this, it'd be to put more description in. Let her world come alive to us in all its after-dark glory. You know you'd enjoy writing that.
Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!
-Stella x
This is only my second review, so hopefully its actually helpful! I think this has great potential, the idea of her being able to see demons and whatnot. I think there are a few things that could use work, though, like focusing to make sure your details work with each other and your descriptions give an image without confusing the reader.
This kind of contradicts itself, first saying he has a sweet baby face and then saying his grin is wicked. It doesn't give me a feel for him, only confuses me. Is he really actually sweet, but perhaps his "uncharacteristically" wicked grin stands out tonight? Or is he generally wicked in a friendly sense? I'm not really sure what to think.
I wouldn't label this as a particularly good way to describe the rustling, as I'd say few could imagine what beast-from-Hell wings sound like. It may be meant to show what she most likely thought it was, but the next sentences do that. I'd use something else to describe the sound.
I do this (repeating a statement) myself a lot, and have to reread to catch it. Also, I kind of wonder what the significance of pulling the knife out is, as later you say she puts her hands to her ears when she drops to her knees and later pulls the knife out of her boot once again.
I don't know that something could be both eerie and comforting. It rather contradicts itself? I also don't see someone who is feeling they are in a potentially dangerous situation just casually leaning against a building, though maybe its showing a part of her personality. However, then I would say that if she is this carefree, she wouldn't have worried in the first place.