Decided To Break It~1

#40BFFF ">Ok i'm back for a more in-depth review.
this is crazy good! I didn't see any typos except for a few things here and there. you need maybe to go over it one more time just to make sure. I actually gasped when she killed her dad and sighed when Dylan agreed to go with her without being asked. keep up the good work and keep going with this book. AND YOU CAN GO FAR W/ IT!! you might want to consider changing the title though!

#BF40FF ">Sonny Starr

i really like this story! i cannot wait to hear more! you're a wonderful writer, keep up the great work!

Sorry I forgot to write something at the very end so here it is:
That was a great story. I loved the idea and it made me want to keep reading. Some parts needed punctuation and some things were important to read. You needed to give some more emotion to the characters in the beginning and middle of the story. You should as they say show not tell. Other than that it was a good story and pm me for any questions.

-lilgreendots

wickedwonder wrote:Basically, I wanna see how far I can go with this. Rated for it's content. Sorry for the lenght. #BF0080 ">Length not Lenght



She had never even though#BF0040 ">thought of romance and love. She didn’t even think she was that pretty. With pale, translucent skin, black hair, and an upturned nose, Maxine Turner knew she wasn’t the type of girl that boys would fall in love with.
She was considered the outcast at school. Really, it was cliché. #BF0080 ">The transitioning from this sentence to the next one wasn't very good. If you were going to use the above paragraph as an introduction then you should make it in italics or something.
Max walked through the halls of Hollings High, lovingly#BF0080 "> I don't think lovingly is the right word to use. called Hell High by the students. Max kept her head down as she walked, not wanting to be tormented by Sasha, the typical, pretty cheerleader.
She slipped into her health class and sat down next to her friend Jessie.
“Hey,” Jessie said, “last class. Aren’t-“ Jessie’s happy, bubbly demeanor was cut off as her blue eyes widened and her mouth dropped, “oh, hey, Dylan.” Max turned to her left, and looked directly into a pair of denim blue eyes. She smiled slightly.#BF0080 ">Here I had to read this about 7 times before I understood it. Try re-wording it so it makes more sense. And don't forget punctuation.
“Hey, Jess.” The boy named Dylan replied effortlessly. He flicked his dark hair from his eyes and smiled.
“Max, this is my cousin Dylan. Dyl, this is the girl I was telling you about.” Jessie said casually, examining her blood red fingernails. Max flicked her violet gaze back to her friend.
“What?” Jess said without looking up, “he’s a transfer and needs to know someone.” Max rolled her eyes and looked back at Dylan. He was tapping a pencil against his desk, staring at the front of the classroom. The door opened, and the teacher, Miss Morrison, strode into the room.
“Okay, class,” she said in her usual business like tone, “today, we get to talk about-” she lowered her voice dramatically, “the dark side.” Max could hear Dylan groan. She flicked a look towards him and raised an eyebrow. She knew exactly how he felt. Every year, they learned about drug use and the repercussions. It was the same information, the same videos. She was sick of it.

Max sighed as the bell rang. She pulled her books into her leather messenger bag and stood up, ready to get back to her house.
“Hey, Max,” Jessie said, “see you later,” she pulled her camouflage backpack on and shook her blonde hair from her eyes. #BF0080 ">Instead of Jessie saying hey she should say bye becuse she isn't starting a conversation she is saying bye.
“Bye.” Max said, turned#BF0080 ">, and left.

She didn’t expect anyone to be home when she got out of her old car. Max opened the door and headed down to her basement bedroom. She tossed her bag on her bed#BF0080 ">, and picked up her guitar#BF0080 ">, and began to strum.
That was her world. It was the only thing she could keep stable, keep to herself. As she strummed, she didn’t hear the door open. She didn’t hear the slamming footsteps over her head. What pulled her out of the trance was the yell of her name.
She snapped her head up and put her guitar on the stand. She could already feel the fear running through her veins. #BF0080 ">You don't need to sat she again just say Fear was already starting to run through her veins.
“Maxine! Now!” her father yelled. She had no choice but to run up the stairs. As soon as she made it to the kitchen, she knew her father had been drinking. She could smell the fiery whiskey on his breath as he grabbed her by the shoulders. She tensed up and looked at the tiled floor.
“Your chores aren’t done,” he said #BF0080 ">If he's drinking I would say someting like he managed to to mutter.
“Hey, dad, I was just coming up, I swear,” Max stuttered out.
“You were playing that damn guitar.” Her father yelled in response. He threw her up against the wall. She gasped as her back made painful contact.
“Dad, I swear, I was going to do them right now.” Max said again. She knew all the excuses weren’t going to make a difference. He was drunk, probably high and pretty pissed off. Max made herself stand up, and moved towards the knife block that stood on the kitchen counter. Her hands shook as she reached for one of the handles. Her father followed her in to the kitchen, blocking her from the only exit.
“Put that down.” He said, “you have no clue what your handling.” Max stared up at him, noticing for the first time all the features they shared. They both had huge, cat-like eyes that could convey a range on emotions. Their eyelashes were long and dark, lips pink and full. #BF0080 ">Good use of words in the last four sentences.
“You don’t think so, hey?” Max asked. Adrenaline was running through her body. She had never felt so powerful, so in charge, even facing her father. He reached for her neck; she had felt that pain before. She never wanted to feel it again. She did the only thing that came to mind. With all her might, she plunged the knife into his stomach.
It felt like a dream. She had never thought of killing her father, per se #BF0080 ">per se???????? What's that., but everything went distant and cloudy, like she was seeing this from an omniscient angle.
She grabbed the knife again from the body of her dead father and ran back down to her bedroom. Tears welled in her eyes, and her body was shaking.
“Who can I call?” she asked #BF0080 ">herself. Her mother was dead; anyone in her family would turn her in. She put the knife on her bed and grabbed her phone. Maybe she should just call the police herself, save somebody the trouble.
Max emptied her school bag and began pulling clothes from her closet. She put her cell phone and car keys on top and zipped the bag shut. She had to leave. She couldn’t come back.
As she climbed into the car, her cell phone rang. She pulled it out of her bag.
“Hello?” her voice was quiet and weak and shaking with fear.
“Max? It’s Dylan. From your health class?” he asked. His voice was warm and tense, like he knew something was wrong just by hearing my voice.
“Yeah, hey.” she said quickly. She was trying to cover up any emotion in her voice, “what’s up?”
“No, Max, what’s wrong with you?” his voice was full with concern. Max sighed, not knowing what she should do.
She told him everything. #BF0080 ">First of all she doesn't know him, she only met him today so why should she tell him something like this.
Really, she found it was typical behavior; the first person to ask gets to know everything. Deep down, she knew it was a stupid move, but it was the first thing she thought of.
“Holy shit.” Dylan said after a prolonged silence, “where are you headed?”
“Across to California.” Max replied automatically. She didn’t even think about her answer. California was one of her favorite places in the States. She had always regarded it was a safe place, a little haven on earth.
“I’m coming with you.” Dylan said. Max was speechless.
“Are you brainsick? That is crazy, irresponsible, insane, sick, disturbed, wild, maniacal and totally reckless.” the words just poured out of her mouth, “you don’t even know me! I could kill you too.”
“I’ll take that chance.” Dylan said calmly. None of her attempted insults had worked on him.
“Alright.” Max said, “then I’ll meet you at the nearest train station in twenty minutes.” She hung up her cell phone, put it on the seat beside her and drove away from the house for the last time.

She drove in silence, letting unexplained tears fall down her face. She knew that her father had never loved her, never even thought she was his daughter. It was ridiculous to be crying. She had always hated him so much. It wasn’t even that she so much killed him, but given him what he had been waiting for since she was eight.
In her minds eye, Max relieved every second of the pain. She shivered and tightened her grip on the steering wheel.
“Calm down.” She reminded herself, “he’s gone, and no one can get to you.” She parked at the train station, but left her headlights on. She tapped her fingers on the steering wheel, waiting for him to come.
Under the streetlamps, she could recognize his slim body, jeans trying to hang onto slim hips. He wore a worn concert t-shirt, dark hair falling into his eyes. Max felt her heart leap. He was effortlessly handsome, even at a time like this Max noticed.
He strode up to her 1994 Toyota and knocked on the window. She leaned over and unlocked the door.
“Get in.” she said, “it’s gonna be a long drive.” He obeyed and she drove back out into the night.

“Why California?” Dylan asked after a few minutes of silence. Max kept her eyes on the road, but shrugged.
“I’ve never traveled as a kid,” she said, “I just wanted to go there. Maybe start a new life. I’m almost eighteen.” Dylan stared out the window, letting the atmosphere in the car go back into the awkward phase.
It seemed like they were they were the only people driving cross-country. The roads through Washington were eerie and quiet, perfect for her getaway. She flicked on the radio. Immediately, Katy Perry’s Teenage Dream blared around the car. Max flicked off the radio.
“What?” Dylan asked, “don’t want love?” Max rolled her eyes.
“I’m not into that type of music,” she said simply, as if that explained everything. Max didn’t really feel like talking; she felt sick to her stomach and tired. Everything still seemed surreal to her, like she was back in her basement bedroom, still fearing her father. She gasped. Calm down, Maxine. He’s gone. You did it yourself. He can’t hurt you anymore. She gripped the steering wheel tighter, trying not to let her heart rate increase. She didn’t want to show that she was scared, or nervous or anything. She had always thought that emotions were for saps.
They kept driving along the roads, Max #BF0080 ">was constantly in thought and Dylan politely kept quiet beside her. Time passed, and Max finally made it out of the city.
“You didn’t have to do this.” Max said, breaking the finally comfortable silence. Dylan kept his gaze out the window for a second, then turned to face her.
“I know,” he said simply. Max sighed and spotted a restaurant. She began to slow the car down, turning into a parking lot.
“So, why did you?” Max asked, “You’ve only met me a few hours ago,” Dylan smiled a slow mysterious smile.
“I think we can all have one dear secret, Max.” he said, putting a hand on the door handle.
“I guess.” Max said, slipping a pair of oversized sunglasses. Dylan shot her a look, but said nothing. She opened the door and stared at Dylan.
“If anyone asks, I’m blind.” She said, “the news has probably got out that I’m missing, and my eyes are really uncommon.” Dylan nodded.
“Understood.” He said, climbing out of the car. He opened the door, helped her out and together the entered the fast food restaurant.

Wicked! as always you leave me speechless! but this one was quite different from the others,maybe because it was longer and it involved murder xD. Anyway,this might be my favorite among all your story!
Keep on writing!
~ Book Person~

i like this one. ))

Thanks for the reviews, guys!
I have another chapter to post, once review day is up!!

I like this story. At first, I was confused about the interaction of characters, trying to piece together and see whom said what. Unless you're going to mention Sasha later on in the story, there's not really a need to name her in the intro, to try to keep the focus on Max. Some of your sentences seem short, continually. I use small sentences too, but it almost seems somewhat choppy when they're grouped together. Also, have you formatted your writing into paragraph form? The way it's laid out makes it more difficult to follow. If not, it doesn't really matter, it's your own choice. Overall, the story kept my interest, which is definitely good. Keep up the beautiful writing!

Hey Wickedwonder!
First, I think you can go pretty far with this. It's defenietly interesting and I want to know what going to happen next! Your writting is great The only complaint I have is that Max kills her father, and I know he hurt her... but it's still her father right? Is he like that because what happened with her mother? If yes, maybe a bit of emotions on that, on how he is now, how he was before would be good. I feel she might be a bit dangerous... because even if she doesn't like her father, she doesn't feel anything at killing him To give more of a sense of danger with their relationship (or just to give her a concrete reason (that we know of) to kill her father), you could maybe put a little intro of her life at home? I'd maybe put a bit more numbness on her part for this. Just some suggestions. Ideas, ideas...

Also, I just thought it was weird to see Dylan calling her just like that and already knowing something was very wrong with her when they only met that very same day. That made me think... is there something fishy happening with this guy? Is he who he pretends to be? Great questionning. I have to find out more!!

There's nothing I saw that was wrong with your grammar. It defenetly has a lot of potential!
You can PM me if you have any questions.
Keep writting!

-Truth-