Published October 22, 2010
His living space is the fourth floor of the house. It has that distinct boy smell that I love. He leads me to his bedroom, which has clothes littering the floor. I step gingerly around the articles and sit on the messily made bed.
“So.” I say slowly. Jacob sits next to my and runs a hand through my hair. Then, before I know it, his lips are on mine.
I am not a slut. What is wrong with a few innocent kisses?
Cigarette smoke is on his breath. He slipped his hands under my shirt, inching up towards my bra.
I am not a slut. We didn’t go all the way.
My shirt joins the mess on the floor, revealing my lacy bra. My jeans, however, remain on. My heart is racing, my mind whirring. In the back of my head, I know this is exactly where I want to be.
Then the doorbell rings.
We both stop, and curse. He gets up, passes me my shirt, and exits his bedroom. I hear him rush down the stairs.
“Isabella?” Jacob reapers at the door of his room, “um, the police are here for you.” I stand up, my heart racing. The shootout at the club. Jacob had made me totally forget. My heart squeezed as I remembered Lana.
“Yup.” I say, stonefaced. I brush past him, kissing him quickly on the cheek.
“Don’t worry,” I say, “I’ll be fine.” Then I rush down the stairs.
The police are waiting for me at the front door. One is female, small and stocky, the other is large, well-built and African-American.
“Isabella Marie Hererra?” the woman asks. I stare at her. Hererra? Is that my last name? Nothing special.
“Yes ma’am.” I say, with a small, nervous smile.
“We want to take you in for questioning on the shootout at Delightful last night.” The man continues. I nod, swallowing heavily. I hope they don’t suspect me of anything.
I’m taken down the driveway, and put into the back of a cop car.
“Are you taking me down town?” I ask. No answer. I guess it’s obvious.
I watch the streets as they pass by, staring at the homeless people, looking at drunken people stumbling across roads. I giggle quietly. Watching drunken people has always been a source of amusement for me.
The car pulls up at the downtown station, and I unlock the door. The female officer gets out of car, and opens the door for me. I climb out, looking around. The building is bland and grey, with ‘Grey Police Station’ above the doors. The male officer leads me towards the front doors, and waits for me to walk over.
“You don’t suspect me of anything, do you?” I ask. He laughs.
“If we suspected you of anything, we would have cuffed you.” He said, then entered the building. I wait a second, to calm my beating heart. Then I push the door open and stride through, not letting my nervousness show.
They escort me to a room that is metal and gray. Already lined up are Kaitlyn Anders, Julia McFarlane, and Esme Carters, also known as, wrath, sloth and avarice.
“Hey, darlin’.” Esme says. Her voice is rough and harsh. She’s a smoker, “d’you know why were here?”
“Because of Lana.” I say. “She is still missing.” I sit down beside black-haired Kaitlyn, who sneers at me and turns her knees away, so we aren’t touching. The female officer takes a seat in front of us and pulls out a folder.
“I know, this isn’t ordinary.” She begins.
“I know.” Julia mutters. She’s the only one of us girls who’s been arrested. She pushed a lock of dark blonde hair behind her ear and leans forward. The female officer sends her a look.
“We want to find Miss Goodwell as fast as possible.” The officer continues. The man sits beside her.
“My name is Officer Brian, that’s Officer Perry.” He says. “Let’s begin.”
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141,624 Literary Works • 675,243 Reviews
I'm here for my last review!
I can sympathize with her because with the brief details you've given us, it's clear that she doesn't have a nice home life. A drunken mother, unknown father, could soon be evicted from her house.
I'm hoping that this one might be a bit more detailed and specific. As well as a review for the fourth chapter, this will be a review for the novel so far overall. At the end of my review, if you have any remaining questions or comments, just drop me a PM or ask me on my wall. I'm happy to answer any questions that you have!
What I like the most about this novel is the originality of it. You don't see many novels about exotic dancers and strip clubs, do you? Although your MC is an exotic dancer, I like her. I was rather prejudice at the beginning, admittedly, and thought that she might be a bit of a slut. She doesn't come across as a complete slut though, even though she's gone to meet a boy after only kissing him once.
As for this chapter, it's nice to see that Isabella is thinking about what happened at the club a little bit. It's good that you remembered to bring it in as well as Jacob's house. Speaking of Jacob and his incredible house,if Jacob's so rich, how would there be so many drunken people and homeless people around his neighbourhood? You described Isabella laughing at drunken people and tramps as she passed through the streets, but it strikes me as a weeny bit odd. I'd consider thinking about that.
Now, as for the novel overall, I have a small list of critiques for you. You don't have to agree with all of them because it'll be only natural for you to maybe disagree with some of them. It's just what Iv'e noticed you doing throughout the entire novel so far.
- Telling, not showing
- Could do with a bit more description
- Be a bit more detailed about some things
- Don't rush through scenes. Take time to describe what's happening in detail
- Express Isabella's emotions a bit more
I've given a brief example and explained most of these in my previous reviews, so I won't go into a load of detail about them again. Another thing I'd like to mention is something that I forgot in your first review. I would have adored for you to have described the shooting scene a bit more vividly. It was kind of like, one second they were dancing, the next, they were out of the building. Describe how her heart was racing, her mind spinning, and al that she wanted to do was get out of the place. Make the scene more dramatic.
This novel definitely has potential. All that it needs is a bit of tweaking, and if you do that, this could be a wonderfully written piece of writing. If you need anymore reviews, just let me know!
Keep writing,
xoxo Skins
Hello Wicked! Booky here to review ! ^^
Okay, have I ever told you that I love your work (as in your stories)
I couldn't find anything wrong with it, but Idrazz does have a point :O
What happen to her shirt? O.o
So,thats about it! =D
Oh, don't forget to to post chapter 5! I cant wait to read it XD
Keep on writing!
~Booky~
"The building is bland and grey, with ‘Grey Police Station’ " This made me laugh. I'm assuming she puts on her shirt, but it never says that. Sorry, I'm one of those people who wonders 'what happened to x object' when the author doesn't specify. Like, if a character's holding a cup one second and then, the next second it's gone. I wonder did it vanish, did the character put it down...what happened to the cup? This is just a minor point though. “If we suspected you of anything, we would have cuffed you.” Is this true? "“I know.” Julia mutters. She’s the only one of us girls who’s been arrested." How do we know she's been arrested? This is good. I like the way it flows, but I feel it could be longer. If you don't want to describe what the officer said, you could just skip to the scene after, within the same chapter. Also, what kind of room are they in? I know you said it was metal and gray, but was it cramped? Was it dimly lit? Did it smell bad? Was it as she had imagined it to be? Can you describe it a little bit more please? I can't wait to read the next part!