Alright, I did a character sheet (For her) and rewrote. What do you think?
You should regret it. Out of everyone on earth, you should be the one feeling bad. After all, it was your idea.
I had only been dating you for a month. I had only known that your name as Nate, and you like the guitar as much as I did. You only knew I thought autotune was dead and believed I was a good singer. So, when you came up to find me strumming a guitar and writing into a little notebook, I was hesitant to follow you.
One look into you big, denim blue eyes, though, and you won me over.
“Come on, Ally.” You said, pulling me up with both hands. You knew I hated my name, Alouette. The name Ally was a private nickname, just for you.
“Where are we going? Someplace romantic? Or someplace gritty?” I asked, pushing my thick black hair from my eyes. You’re grin turned mischievous and I was sold.
“We are going to play a game.” You said simply, pulling me towards your black Toyota Camry.
I knew, that if I asked what, you’d only shoot me a wicked grin, so I got into the car, twisting the plastic ring you got me for my seventeenth birthday.
Your idea of a game was going to the rich part of town and stealing. You tried to steal a car. It was a beautiful, black Bentley. I got a thrill when I laid my fingertips on the hot hood, but that was it.
“Cars? Nate, are you insane?” I asked, keeping my voice low. I put my hands on my hips, where my coroset top pulled my hips in, making an hourglass shape.
“it’s just a game.” You said, leaning over the drivers door.
“This will get us arrested.” I argued. The wail of sirens echoed through the empty street, and I jumped, looking around. Then I looked up, to a small pale, round face in a window. A little girl had been watching us.
Before I knew it, we were cuffed and stuffed into the back of the cop car. They didn’t stop to take our names, they just took on look at my outfit and drove off.
I didn’t talk to you the whole ride to the police station. I was too angry. Well, a large part of me was angry. The other part wanted to make out with you in the back of the cop car.
I couldn’t face you. When the car pulled to a stop, I kept my head down as a cop escorted me from the car and into the station.
The station was cold, and the hairs on my arms rose as I was sat in a metal chair. I leaned on the rusty metal table, letting my hair spill over my shoulder.
“Was this your idea?” he asked me. I stared at him for a second.
“You’re asking me?” I asked. He looked around, noting that we were alone. He ran a hand through his hair.
“Yes.” The cop said, “I’m asking you, But remember, if you say it wasn’t your idea, you’d be sending your little boyfriend off to jail. Nathaniel Callahan, already taken in four stealing three times. This is his fourth and biggest. If you say it was a mutual idea, then you’re both off to jail.”
“Really?” I asked, “that seems sort of extreme, doesn’t it?” The cop shook his head.
“You’re dressed like a hooker.” He said and I wrinkled my nose. That hurt. Just because I liked my corset tops and skinny jeans, that did not make me a hooker.
“So, what is you decision?” the cop asked me. I rubbed my arms, trying to get the circulation moving in my bare arms.
The video camera that was set up across from me began to beep; a high, annoying noise. I looked around, and everything seemed intensified. I thought of you, I thought of what you were doing at that moment. I hoped you were telling the truth, or saying nothing at all.
I raised the plastic hear pendant you got me to my lips and kissed it, then pulled it from my neck.
I wasn’t sure what you were doing, I wasn’t sure if I was even in love with you anymore. I looked up and at the cop.
“What is it going to be?” he asked, almost impatiently. My heart started to race. I was going to become a fashion designer and start my own line. My life wasn’t over. I thought of you, and one single tear came to my eye. I kissed the ring, pulling it from my finger.
This was for my future job. This was for my future kids.
“It was all his idea. He pulled me along.” I said, my voice shaky.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,027 Literary Works • 672,769 Reviews
THanks guys.
I decided not to enter, anyway, so although I love the advice, you critiques aren't needed at the moment.
Locking.
Thanks though!
The liberal use of spacing in this story kills my will to read it.
I disagree with the comments above saying that the cop scene was unrealistic. I like the cops being characterized as irrational and rude; it makes you like and support the narrator more. But it still needs work, lots of work.
I do agree that there needs to be more dramatic background that gives the ending more effect. Maybe describe how much they had been through, loved each other, ect?
Also, if he steals a lot, why doesn't he steal her real jewellery and not plastic?
I agree with everything Meep said! Additionally, "denim blue eyes" is a weird image, since denim can be different shades of blue and is generally very grainy. And he comes up to her strumming a guitar -and- writing in a notebook (for unknown reasons that're never explained), yet still is able to pull her with both hands? Think about things like this-- he can't pick her up until he sets the guitar down, which brings in the whole question of where they are in the first place. Also, when you mention his mischievous grin and say "then I was sold", it's repetitive because you said he's already won her over.
As far as overall points, there isn't enough build-up or conflict in their relationship to make the climax (her choosing to throw her boyfriend under the bus) dramatic enough. I also felt like some minor details were out of place-- the uniqueness of her name (Alouette, really?) and her outfit, which is never described to us, thus making the police man's insult less biting. Not to mention that it's really surprising a police man would say such a thing! And the choice she makes (say it was his idea and not go to jail) is unrealistic; they wouldn't let her off so easily just because she threw him under the bus. Oftentimes "It was his idea" doesn't get you out of punishment.
Anyway, just flesh this out some more and make sure it's believable. Best of luck, and PM me for anything!
~Evi
Hi there! I'll try to be of some help if I can.
Well, this was a short piece, too short in my opinion.
There was no defining climax/resolution, just little bumps in the story resembling them. I feel that you could expand it more, add more plot even though it's a short story, otherwise it'll be rather bland. At the end of the story, I went: "That was it? D:"
Oh, and the police scene struck me as a tad unrealistic, maybe due to law being enforced differently here? I didn't think cops would 'encourage' you to confess to something you didn't do in order to cut some slack on your boyfriend.
P.S: If a policeman insulted me by saying I looked like a 'hooker', I'd sue his pants off.
Two things I saw that could be changed:
"One look into you big, denim blue eyes, though, and you won me over. " - "into your (not you) big, denim blue eyes though, and I was won over."
"They didn’t stop to take our names, they just took on look at my outfit and drove off." - I was shocked at the 'drove off' part because I thought they were letting her go/couldn't be bothered to arrest her. It took me a few more words to realise that they drove off *with* her in their custody, so you should probably make that clearer.
Don't be discouraged by my comments because this story has every potential to develop into something great!
Feel free to PM me if you need more help!
Have a good day,
Meep(: