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I didn’t want to die. Who would? I died in a car crash, on a late Saturday night. It was painful, more painful then someone could ever imagine. Yet, at the same time, it was almost pleasing. It was a feeling of pain and pleasure that no living person would ever feel.
As I lay on the road, feeling myself labor for breath, feel myself bleed, it occurred to me that I was dying. Dying. I was only sixteen, and I was dying. There were so many things I hadn’t done. I guess it taught me right for being the bashful, blushing, innocent one. I heard the sirens, somebody trying to get me to breath. I felt feel my heart beat slow down.
I finally felt my life slip away, and I had finally left earth.
****
I opened my eyes, surrounded by a fine, gray mist. I stood up, slowly, and looked around. I couldn’t remember anything, just the accident. I take a cautious step forward, and hear the loveliest voice I had ever heard.
It was calm and bright, a clear female soprano. I started to walk towards it, under the spell. It was creating threads of magic around me. They were small and blue, sewing themselves together to create a ball of magic around me. I reached out to touch one; it avoided my touch.
I followed the singing through a quiet wood. My bare feet sunk into the warm dirt and the trees seemed to talk to me.
Come, they said, come with us. We promise to fulfill your every dream and fantasy. I shook my head. I was supposed to be dead. Somehow I knew I wasn’t in Heaven, and not in Hell.
I pressed my hands to one of the tree trunks. I coud feel the laugh vibrating through it.
Come, it said, come with me. I could smell the tantalizing smell of the fruit from the trees. I wanted to reach up and eat one.
“You know, that if you eat one, you’ll be sent to eternal hell.” It was the woman who was singing. Her talking voice was deep and throaty, with a thin Italian accent. I looked around, and up, and she was sitting in the tree. She jumped down, landing easily on her bare feet. A dark blue ribbon wound up around her ankle, off-setting her dark blue eyes. Her long auburn hair fell over her bare shoulders, her short dress not even hitting her knees. Her wings were black, fluttering behind her.
She was beautiful.
“Beth Adelaide Jameson.” She said, looking me right in the eye. She looked me up and down, making a clicking noise with her tongue.
“You will do. Come with me.” She said, holding out a hand. Reluctantly, I took it, and let her lead me out of the wood, and into a little forest.
“My name is Allegra Larosa, Queen of the Fatina.” She said, sitting down in the emerald green grass. I felt my heart start to race, and I didn’t know why. I wasn’t scared, I wasn’t nervous.
“You may call my ‘my Lady’,” Allegra continued, “please, sit down.” I slowly obeyed,“Now, Beth, I have a preposition for you.” She said, beginning to weave a few blades of grass together.
“What is it, My Lady?” I asked slowly. My hands begun to shake. I was scared. Scared to know what she would say.
“Now, you can spend the rest of eternity in Hell.” Allegra began, talking deliberately and slowly. She really was the leader of this place. She held herself with confidence and power, even while sitting.
“Wait,” I said, “where am I, exactly?” Allegra laughed, a high, chiming sound.
“You, my darling, are in the land of the Fatina, the Faerie.” She explained, “I rule this wonderful place.”
“Why?” I asked, “I’m human. I am most defiantly not a Fatina,” I tried to copy her accent, but made myself sound ridiculous.
“You are right, my darling, you are not just a Fatina. You are a Protezione.” Allegra laughed.
“What is that?” I asked, almost annoyed with her laughing. She made it seem like all of this seem like something I should have been taught in school.
“A Protector. My darling, you were born to protect.” Allegra said, “which brings me back to my preposition. You may spend eternity in the underworld, which is a terrible place, or you may become immortal, and protect a mortal boy. Once you choose, Beth, Darling, there is no going back.”
I bit my tongue. I knew exactly what I wanted. The underworld sounded horrible. I got the mental image of thin children in dirty rags, and people dying of starvation everyday.
“Earth.” I said quickly, “I’ll take earth. I’ll take the boy.” Allegra laughed again.
“I’m glad you said that.” She said, then pressed her dark red lips to my forehead.
I’m not sure what she did to me, but I suddenly felt prettier. In life, I had been acne ridden, with dull greasy hair, and a nose I hated. Now I felt like my acne had disappeared, and I became one of those models in a teen magazine.
“Go look, my darling.” Allegra said, pointing me towards a pool of water. I slowly stood up and crossed over, bracing myself for the worst.
I was now actually pretty. My acne had cleared, and my nose had straightened. My hair was long, and obsidian colored, that glinted in the sunlight. I dropped down to my knees to get a better look. My once dull blue eyes had become bright and glinting, with streaks of gray. A pair of dove blue and dark gray wings slowly fluttered behind me.
“Are they mine?” I asked. Allegra let a playful grin cross her face.
“Yes, my darling, they are. Why don’t you try them out.” She replied, tucking her lugs underneath her.
I stood up, my back facing the light wind. I let the wind propel my wings, until they were beating faster, and faster, and I lifted off the ground.
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Okay, this is curious enough. It makes me think of Greek mythology, like that one lady/person/thing who was cursed to live on an island alone for eternity. But, you have quite a few mistakes, even if the plot is interesting.
"It was calm and bright, a clear female soprano. I started to walk towards it, under the spell. It was creating threads of magic around me. They were small and blue, sewing themselves together to create a ball of magic around me. I reached out to touch one; it avoided my touch."
How does she know it's magic? If it were me, I'd be flipping out--scared to death.
“You know, that if you eat one, you’ll be sent to eternal hell.” It was the woman who was singing. Her talking voice was deep and throaty, with a thin Italian accent. I looked around, and up, and she was sitting in the tree. She jumped down, landing easily on her bare feet. A dark blue ribbon wound up around her ankle, off-setting her dark blue eyes. Her long auburn hair fell over her bare shoulders, her short dress not even hitting her knees. Her wings were black, fluttering behind her.
You shouldn't say "who was singing", you should say "who had been singing". Otherwise, it just doesn't flow quite right. There are a few other things, like how you finish quotes without putting, say, a comma and a quotation mark and you follow it with a capital letter. But, I mean, I like it.
Please continue? I mean, NaNoWriMo is awesome and you should try to make it to 50,000 words! I already have 7,000 words...so, yeah...
Hey Wicked
I love this piece, it's really flowy and awesome.
I'll start with some things in noticed.
A preposition is a part of a speech. There's another one in there, you might want to correct.
A small typo here... you're just repeating.
Alright so another thing I see is that you don't use the coma after your dialogue. Before the quotation marks, after your dialogue there should always be a coma, link the two parts of the sentence because '"Earth,"I said' is a sentence. And, 'Allegra laughed again' should be with the next line because it has no links with the other one since you are not talking of her until the next line.
And finally, you need to be carefull to choose a verbe tense, either past or present, and stick with it for the whole story. Now, it's a bit confused, you're switching back and forth between the two. For example, I'll take this part, #0000BF ">present #FF0000 ">past
See how it's confusing? If you're making this part like she is telling it after, remembering, then this should be all past. But if you are in the moment and it's happening in the present, then it should be present.
Another example:
I loved that part by the way
I cannot really comment on the plot yet but it's really a great beginning. A bit cliché but I'm sure you'll do something great with it
-Tuth-