Published February 6, 2010
**Please critque as you see appropiate! I am having a hard time choosing a title, so suggets on that would be highly appreciated. Thank you for reading!**
Chapter One
Too Fast
Sophie
My foot inched downward on the pedal as I sped past the innocent drivers I angrily cut off while driving on the interstate. My mind was buzzing; too fast for me to keep up. My head felt as though it was spinning so quickly, it was going to fly off any moment. I swiftly glanced over my shoulder before swerving into the right lane. Why in the hell do my parents think that getting a divorce isn’t going to affect me? Yeah, I am seventeen years old, but-I hesitated admitting this to myself- I need my parents. I slowed down as I pulled up to a red light. I kept my eyes on the road ahead, hiding behind my Mazda Rx-8’s dark tinted windows. The music blasting from my stereo was surely traveling into the cars beside me, and probably into the stores on either side of the street. It took all my self control not to run the red light and the people that were standing in my way as well. I tapped the to the beat of the music on my steering wheel as I counted down the seconds for the light to change green. Three…two…one…I shot off; much too fast. I kept driving, fueling my anger into the car’s speed. What the hell are my parents going to do? Just spilt? Where am I suppose to go? I shook my head, forcing the thoughts of what-will-happen out of my mind. I flew past the stores and the town I have lived in my whole life. Suddenly, something darted out in front of the road, and I was going too fast.
Ayden
My legs kick out from underneath the covers, enjoying the cool air. My eyes flutter open, then I pull them tightly shut. Ugh, another freaking day. I grab my pillow from off the floor, and through it over my head, blocking the sun light.
“Ayden! Get up! You have practice,” dad called from downstairs. I ignore him, hoping sleep will come even though I know it won’t. I wonder if that girl is going to be there today… My thoughts travel back to yesterdays football practice. I was running the field when I saw a girl probably my age, with bright blond hair sitting in the stands. She had been reading… My dad’s foot steps broke me from my revere. He was pounding up the stairs.
“Ayden, get up son. Do you want to get into college or not?” He said, as he threw the door open. I yanked the pillow that I was laying on and threw it at the door. Once he walked in, of course he threw it back; harder.
“Okay, I’m up,” I moaned. I tightened my grip on my pillow before he could snatch it out of my hands.
“Down stairs. In ten,” he barked, then walked out of the room. I reluctantly crawled out of bed and grabbed some clothes that were on top of my dresser. I glanced at the clock, 6:45 am. Gah, I can’t even sleep in in the summer.
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Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
Hi Kate! Thanks for the PM, I wouldn't have caught this otherwise. C: And once again I did enjoy it.
Anyways, on to the review!
Main issue: Paragraphing! Just insert a paragraph when you go onto a new topic. I see with Ayden's part, you've got dialogue paragraphing nailed. Just keep fighting to get rid of blocks of ext.
One quick thing with Ayden's part: Lowercase "h" on "he". Typo, I see from how you've got it right with the other speech tags.
I love both of your characters' voices, they both seem real to me. And with Ayden I can totally get the whole stying-in-bed-on-a-college-morning thing. Urgh.
Keep it up! Write more!
...And please PM me again when you post more.
Happy writing!
~Emma
This is good. I'm really curious, so hurry up and write more!
You did a great job again! I like how you described things good and used descriptive words. I could see the image in my head so clearly. I also like the mystery in it. I have to read more! message me again once you write more!
