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140,191 Literary Works • 673,040 Reviews
I feel like these two lines "It felt like the end of the world; death stalked people down alleyways until he caught them in his cold unforgiving grasp." should have a period between them rather than a period. Other than that I really like this piece. I espeicially love the image of the candle.
Nice. Great beginning. It catches the attention instantly and doesn't let go. I love the way you end it as well. A complete stranger saving the day. Hopefully anyway. You have a real talent for writing. Good luck
Thats soooo good! I CANT wait to read more
I think I might just die then come back to life when you write a new chapter xD
Like I said, I really CANNOT wait heheh. well, write more soon.
I'll be waiting... That wasn't meant to be as creepy as it sounds! (just saying.. hahahah)
-CookEmonster
N'aww they probably wouldn't suck.
Yeshh I know I'm terribly crappy at spelling, and ICT. 
I don't like the brother either, he's kinda modelled on me ex-boyfriend because I hate him. Tehe 
Hey Wolfy!
I liked this. I didn't like the brother, though. What a jerk.
There are some places where your spelling and phrases get a little iffy. For example:
I believe it is spelled escaped, unless it's been changed recently. I'd be cool spelling it like that. Just make sure it's official.
You have very nice adjectives in this piece here.
I don't have any title suggestions, because mine would all suck until I know more about what's going to happen in the story. They'd probably suck anyway.
Any who, awesome story! I'll like it!
Thank you
I think it was meant to be from Peregrine's point of view but I'm not entirely sure either. I am so bad at grammar so I'm not suprised that you picked up on my paragraph spacing. 
Thanks for the review
Hitting like button now!
Nit picks: (Those things I only give to stories I like.)
You could use improvement on your paragraph separations.
Some of your sentence structure is a bit rough, but that is not something to worry too much about in a first draft. When you go to re-write try reading it aloud to yourself to see how it flows.
Example:
The first sentence is a little odd to the reader. (Although, I have to admit, I have a certain fondness for your description.) The third sentence is not a complete thought and therefore it is a fragment. Try adding to it.
You might try something like this, "The fiery passion in his eyes had been doused with murderous rivers. Looking into them sent a chill through her bones. Her brother was now her captor. Why would he betray her so?"
Another thing, about the question, whose point of view is it being asked from?
Summery:
Watch your sentences. You have quite a few fragments in there but a careful proof reading and some editing will fix most of them. (First drafts are often like this so no worries
I love your descriptions and your begging is a killer! I was hooked immediately!
Keep Writing,
~FW~
Following you now....