z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Trapped Inside My Own Body

by wolfgang87


Trapped inside my own body.

Is it fair I should not breathe?

Left in pain and agony,

Normal is all I ask to be.

Life as ordinary as ever,

Till a shock rushes to my heart,

And tears it apart.

Leaving me in a state so frantic,

Losing myself in panic.

Deep breaths,

Deep breaths.

The kind that put you to sleep.

Except when you're trying to sleep the gasping won't stop.

I need air! I need air!

I'm only human, you see.

If only I had known, I would never have worried.

To live thinking something was wrong with me,

To live thinking I was going to die,

Was it worth the risk?

I think not. I disagree.

But that is besides the point,

I brought this on me.

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29 Reviews

Points: 103
Reviews: 29

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Tue Jun 20, 2017 10:32 pm
deleted1967 wrote a review...



Dear wolfgang87,

Wow. Your poem very clearly addresses the issue of feeling really different, like something isn't right about you and you really just want to be normal. I enjoy poems about that theme but that's my personal opinion, not really a critique.

I like how you ended it with "I brought this on me." Because to me I went along the poem and I was like yeah okay, it's probably talking about panic attacks and how most people aren't able to function with it. Then it talks about death and something being wrong about you. Which kind of seemed to make sense, then I continue to the last line "I brought this on me."

I got a little stumped. But realized that perhaps you meant that (and when I say you I mean the character, just because it's in the place of I) you had the thought that you weren't normal which triggered the panic, but it could also be seen as a even bigger analysis and thought that perhaps it's almost as if you are the reason why you are different. I mean, you're personality is different, which of course makes you different, and your realization gave you that panic. Is this making sense? I think I might be analyzing too much, or rambling. One of those.

Anyways, I loved your poem. It's a poem with a theme I would definitely like to see more of. I hope you have a good day/night! Don't let anything get you down ;)

Sincerely,
Bailey Matwiiw




wolfgang87 says...


thanks for the review! If you were really wondering, the line "I brought this one on me." is referring to the fact that the panic attacks were caused by me allowing myself to worry and stress. If I had known stress attacks were so awful and stress caused them, I wouldn't have stressed about my problems. Thanks so much for the review!



deleted1967 says...


Ah, yes that's pretty much what I was thinking. I just tend to ramble, haha. Have a nice day!



User avatar
13 Reviews

Points: 497
Reviews: 13

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Wed Jun 14, 2017 5:14 pm
37Anatassia73 wrote a review...



That title is perfect for this poem. I really get the feeling of being trapped when I read this.
So a few things I liked:
Redundancy, I like how you repeat important phrases they stand out.
I love poems that start will the title, I don't know why it's jut me but I really really liked that.

A few things I noticed that could possibly be better:
Rendundancy, maybe try reapeating it three times. You know threes a magic number, I think would would flow better when reading out loud three sounds better you can get more emotion out with threee.
Punctuation. I don't think you need punctuation at the end of every line. It also get kind of distracting.

Over all I liked your poem.
And don't only take my advice (I'm not good at writing poems myself so maybe get and expert's advice on this one)





I have writer's block. I can't write. It is the will of the gods. Now, I must alphabetize my spice rack.
— Neil Gaiman