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Rabbit Hole

by woahhitherepal


"Tick Tock," you yelled.

"We're going to be too late."

And you ran,

you ran from everything you knew. 

You ran from me.

I chased you,

in hopes that you wouldn't forget me

and that's when everything fell.

2/5


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206 Reviews


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Reviews: 206

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Thu Nov 16, 2017 6:53 pm
DeerInBacPac wrote a review...



Hello, E.E here for a possibly quick review and maybe some utter nonsense! Grim is here as well, drinking hot cocoa and being a slacker. *Grim looks over, glaring* So, lets get started. :smt020

*sees poem and knows that this review is late but does not care because it is an Adrian poem.*

So, the first thing I notice is that the second line should have an exclamation mark, not a period. The reason why is because the last you had said "you yelled." You need to show that a person yelled some how besides just plainly stating it. It will make the poem more urgent. The last thing is that the line "in hopes that you wouldn't forget me" needs a comma. Otherwise, the poem flowed well.

Now is when I dissect your poem and see if I can't get its meaning right! So, in your poem you are telling us, the reader, that the person is running form there problems. They know that they are running out of time to confront them and you want to get through it, you don't want to lose them. And then you went to help them and then they official lost it. They lost themselves in a place that you cannot go to.

Overall, I loved the poem and keep up the good work! Happy Thanksgiving! I really need to go now Grim has souls to reap and he needs more cocoa. He has a problem, seriously. Cheerio and fruit loops to you!




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Sat Nov 04, 2017 6:48 am
Radrook wrote a review...



Thanks for sharing tis poem. It is short but full of meaning.

My understanding:

The reason that the person is running is related to time. That is indicated by the expression "Tick Tock". It wasn't just calmly stated, it was yelled. So the time issue in the relationship was deemed urgent. The person doping the chasing did not agree. That's why he chases in order to prevent the dissolution of the relationship. But as a consequence the situation becomes worse which is indicated by everything falling. Some might imagine this to be a relationship between an older and a younger person where the younger one panics as the effects of aging become more noticeable and he realizes hat time is running out for him or her as well. So the person makes a run for it.

Punctuation suggestions:

"We're..."

"You ran from everything...."

"You ran from me."




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364 Reviews


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Fri Nov 03, 2017 11:39 am
zaminami wrote a review...



Hello woahhitherepal! Kara here for a (hopefully) quick review as requested!

Give me your soul.

With that aside, I'm not the best at poetry but here we go!

Bold = grammar and flow issues.
Italics = suggestions and overall
Strikethrough = remove
Underline = krazy Kara komments.

Spoiler! :
"{Tick tock}," you yelled{.}

"{W}e're going to be too late."

and you ran{.}

{Y}ou ran from everything you knew.

{Y}ou ran from me.

I chased you{,}

in hopes that you wouldn't forget me

and that's when everything fell.

2/5 {Why is this there?}


My interpretation:



You are talking about someone who you love but you believe is leaving you, ignoring you, running away from you, etc.

Overall:



Overall, I liked! The metaphor with Alice in Wonderland was well done and the only confusing thing was about the last line, which I didn't get. Keep up the great work! :D

Why haven’t you given me your soul yet? --

Kara

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54 Reviews


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Fri Nov 03, 2017 2:41 am
woahhitherepal says...



@flumadiddle @DemonGoddess NEW POEM!!




zaminami says...


I SHALL REVIEW




Only the suppressed word is dangerous.
— Ludwig Borne