Januzaj held the limp body in arms. The rain shot down on him, like cold bullets unable to break the skin. The pitch-black clouds hung over the horrible scene like a mysterious curtain. Januzaj grimaced as he reverently laid the lifeless body on the ground. He had had enough. Anger he had never felt before swelled within him. Nothing would stop him. Every member of the so-called New Republic must go. And he would be responsible.
Januzaj trotted back to base. Life moved on, whether he liked it or not. A tall, lanky young man stood up from his seat shortly after Januzaj entered into the building.
"Hey, guys! Yanni's back!" Another boy with bright red hair looked confused.
"Yanni? Where's..." Yanni's glare told him everything they all needed to know. The tall boy sunk to his knees, his face sheltered by his hands.
"No, no. Not Asamoah. Not Asa." Yanni put his hand on Rakitic’s back.
"He died a hero's death. We must not waste time mourning." Helping Rakitic to his feet, Yanni described the ordeal to everyone present. Then, turning to the red-haired boy, he asked about any other missions that day.
"Oh, right. Rogic and Cahill left this morning to scout, no word from them. De Luimar and Toty left to complete operation 235, which, after radio communication, was successful, and then there was you and Asa." Yanni nodded. He turned to face everybody.
"We will have a meeting tonight when... or if... these two parties return. It is extremely important. I expect everyone to be there. Rakitic, come with me." Obliging, Yanni and Rakitic walked over to an unoccupied room. Yanni closed and locked the door.
"What do you need, Yanni?" Yanni slammed his hand down on the table.
"I need answers, you idiot! We both knew that Asa was the only one who could have..." Rakitic shot up from his chair; it fell to the ground with a loud bang.
"Your anger gives you no reason to insult me." He spat. "You and I both know the position I stand in. You were not the only one who has been affected by Asa's death. He was my brother." Rakitic's eyes blinked, clearing tears.
"Sorry. You know how I get during tense situations."
"And that's why I'm here to make sure you don't killed." Rakitic gave a smile.
"Anyways, I need to talk to you about a mission." Rakitic was used to being called on these. Except, as far as he knew, only Asa and Rogic and been personally called to a mission by Yanni himself. Both cases were incredibly dangerous.
"What's it going to be? Supply run? Weapon bargaining? Scoutin..."
"No. I need your help in kidnapping someone." Rakitic had been only been a part of one kidnapping before, via Asa's invitation. Trying to act calm and collected, he responded.
"Sure. Who will..."
"This is different. I need you to use your powers." Rakitic stumbled back in shock, almost falling over the tipped chair. His voice became dangerously low.
"Yanni, are you sure about this?" In an equal tone, Yanni responded.
"Yes." A wicked grin spread across Yanni's face.
"You, me, and three others will operate this mission. Everyone that has a power will help." That meant that six people in total would be doing the operation. Yanni sat down, hands folded. Rakitic picked up his chair and also sat down. He leaned back, studying Yanni. All of the rebels had decided to tell one person they could trust that they had powers. After voting, they decided that Yanni, (whom they all still called Januzaj then) would be the best choice. After three months, it looked like they had chosen right. Before Rakitic could respond, the main doors of which Yanni came in to get inside of the main building were opened. The cocking of weapons followed. The huge, main doors were locked. Were locked. Yanni and Rakitic bolted out the door, only to find other rebels forcing a short boy with spiked blonde hair to put his hands up. The boy was drenched from head to toe in rainwater. The rebels pushed him through the crowd, guns pointing at him, to the room Yanni and Rakitic were just in. As he passed, the boy slipped a piece of paper from out of his pocket into Yanni's hand. It happened in a fraction of a second. Yanni discretely read, along with Rakitic's widening eyes.
"Hello, Yanni. My name is Jabarkinhos. You might want to make it seven."Yanni turned to Rakitic. Normally, Yanni was a calm, collected being. But this boy and note completely melted is cool away.
"What does this mean?"
"I-I don't know." Yanni walked over to the red-haired boy.
"Scotts!" He turned around.
"I need to know where this kid came from and if he's with the NR." Scotts turned around again and started typing on a gigantic keyboard. Five large, black screens above were turned on, their lights casting an eerie glow across the three boys' faces.
"I'm going to go have a chat with this Jabarkinhos." As Yanni walked away, Rakitic couldn't help but smile. Wherever Yanni walked, whether it be a serious meeting, or a greeting with a friend, Yanni always looked like he was in a hurry. And for some reason, that amused Rakitic.
"About time."
"Calm down. At least you got here without getting shot."
"Anyways, I've come to ask for a proposal."
"Of what kind"
"A deal." Januzaj leaned forward.
"Tell me."
"My squad is... interested in joining forces with you."
"How many?"
"Four others."
"Small number."
"Small chance of being caught."
"You all have powers?" Jabarkinhos looked shocked.
"Why, off course. We have a Thick, a Sonic, A Freeze, and..." Jabarkinhos leaned closer, their faces so close the could both feel each other’s breath.
"A Shifter." His voice rasped the words, like the name was too holy even for him to say. Yanni shifted his weight. As far as he knew, there were only all but five Shifters left.
"My deal is simple. We will join forces to help you with your kidnapping if - and only if - you allow us - us meaning my squad - absolute knowledge regarding who has powers here." Yanni wasn't surprised. He would quickly agree with the deal, but one of the power holders had an even greater ability than a Shifter. And he was the only one left.
"Deal." They shook hands, and moved quickly towards the main hall. They were late for the meeting.
Yanni was glad to be able to hold the meeting. He was able to clear much confusion about Asa’s death, Jabarkinhos’s invitation, and the announcement about the kidnapping (he, though, just explained it as a top secret mission). After further talk with Jabarkinhos, Yanni and his squad would meet up with Jabarkinhos’s group at a rendezvous point. There, they would talk about the fine details of their plan; making sure every possible outcome and problem could be assessed and dealt with was key. Then, according to an agreement between the two parties, they would share their powers with everybody. even though Yanni knew every power in his base, nobody knew that he too had one. For, if everyone felt like they could trust him in telling him their powers, who could he tell that he had powers? The person who did know was dead. Along with this interesting showing of power, there was also Rakitic’s… perplexing position. Yanni agreed with himself that he would be happy when this rendezvous was finally over.
Three o’clock in the morning. Yanni got up. he didn’t get much sleep; his anxiety seemed to be too much. Standing up, he walked out of his room and down the hallway. Jabarkinhos was leaning against the wall.
“ ‘Bout time. Let’s get this show on the road.” Yanni then went into the rec room, where his team was waiting.
“It’s time.” Silently following Yanni, the group went with Jabarkinhos to the rendezvous point. It was time to meet Jabarkinhos’s squad. As they stepped outside, the group of tired boys were welcomed by cold, dark skies. Slowly, rain came down, the clouds unable to hold the moisture anymore. The rain brought a bad memory to Yanni. The last time it rained, things went horribly wrong. The last time it rained, Yanni was unable to help. Unable to help his dying friend. Yanni did not like the rain.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Hey, Sybil here to share a thought.
'entered into' sounds redundant. It could go on with just "entered the building"This short was nice and actually intriguing with the plot line. I liked how its just going on and on with a particular scene leaving me mystified with what will happen next or what did happen before the opening. The scenery was also consistent, though a little bit more description on their hideout would make it better...
This part was a little confusing. Try, "...left to complete operation 235. Its radio communication was successful, and then there was you and Asa." I understand the kind of serious ambiance you're trying to portray, but it is also important to make sure it isn't misunderstood by readers.
As krazywriter said, the You, me and three others...thing. And its supposed to be 'Everyone who (you are pertaining to people, not things) has powers....'
Add a question mark there.
I also agree that you should add those taglines of "he/she/I said" too.
That's all. Hope you continue this, it looked interesting
Keep on Dreaming!
-Sybil (WaltzingDreams)
Hello and welcome to YWS! Krazywriterr here to give you a review.
First of all, I'd like to say that this is a very interesting story! I'm anxious to know what happens next. You did a very good job writing it, too.
A few corrections:
"And that's why I'm here to make sure you don't killed."
don't "get" killed, I assume?
"...only Asa and Rogic and been personally called to a mission..."
Rogic "had" been
"Rakitic had been only been a part of one kidnapping..."
"had been only" or "had only been" or, better yet, "had been part of only one"
"even though Yanni knew every power..."
Capitalize "even"
"he didn’t get much sleep;"
Capitalize "he"
The paragraph beginning "You, me, and three others will operate this mission." is confusing. See if you can find a way to clear it up.
One last thing: Your use of quotations and tag lines needs some work. It's hard to identify at times who said what. The tag line (ex. "he said") should be in the same paragraph as the quote. Some quotes look like they were said by the wrong person.
That's about it. Great job! Keep writing!