Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for mature content.
Author's Note: Hey guys, this is for a High School English assignment. I'm looking for feedback as I have a lot to do before this is due but I've hit the wall with Writer's Block. Any help would be greatly appreciated! Thanks!
You’ve lost you. That is, you’ve lost who you were. There’s nothing left but a shell, smiling and waving at the souls around you. A mess of issues and heartbreaks have left you empty and devoid of hope. You sit in the dark, cold and alone, praying that the light will rescue you from this void soon.
You look at them and ask yourself how they do it. How do they manage the perfection that you’ve spent so long striving for? You walk between them with a pressing on your chest, an all-consuming wave of jealousy threatening to get the better of you if you let your guard down for a second. You’ve lost you while trying to be one of them. One of the crowd. You look at the light and beg for redemption that’s not coming.
But even though you can’t see it, it will come. Eventually you will find the hope that you’ve spent so long looking for. Time heals all wounds even if it looks like the pain will never stop.
You can’t pick yourself up and dust off the words and dark thoughts. It’s not so simple. We all need time to heal. You must be strong, or at least be strong enough to push through to a sparkling future where the pain slowly eases away day by day.
They watch you and know that everything isn’t as it should be, you seem hurt yet no one takes the time to ask whether you need someone to talk to, a helping hand or a shoulder to cry on.
All of this occurs to you as you stand high above the raging waters of a storm swollen river. Rain mats your hair and clothes to your thin frame. You close your eyes and listen to the rusty bridge scream in protest of the weather. Escape from the personal hell you have been enduring is so close you can almost taste it. All you have to do is tip yourself forward at a miniscule angle and it would be done.
Then there’s the freefall, seemingly endless and silent.
Impact.
Suffocatingly cold.
Impenetrably dark.
Then, nothingness.
And then, out of nowhere, arms encircling you. Pulling you upwards and onto solid ground. Hands scrambling to pump on your chest forcing you to breathe. Forcing you back into the world.
“You cannot bloody die on me now” you hear from somewhere above you.
Lights dance behind your closed eyes as your body forces you to breathe in the cold night air. Your encircled by arms again as the Samaritan hugs you, thanking some deity and promising you that you’ll never have to be alone again. You’re partly relieved but deep down you know that the little shred of disappointment at having your escape ruined wouldn’t be going away for a long while.
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,781 Reviews
Hey there!
Budding writer here for a review. Ok lets get started:
Nothing much to review really. I really loved your work. Your way of writing so eye catching and that made me want to read more. The issue which you focused on is so prevalent nowadays and there are lots of people who write about it. The trick lies in how you present it and will make it catchy and different from what others write. Another thing is that even though its quite a dark subject its not really necessary that you have to write about it in a really dark way. And that is exactly the way you have written.
I specially liked this:
Then there’s the freefall, seemingly endless and silent.
Impact.
Suffocatingly cold.
Impenetrably dark.
Then, nothingness.
Its creates an even bigger impact then just writing continuous sentences.
I loved the way you wrote it. Never did I feel that it was too fast paced. The length was exactly what it should have been and you really portrayed the feelings very nicely. Very sad and touching.
-Budding writer
Hi there,
Crosa here for review:
This is a really engaging piece and sad to read. The use of one liners towards the end are excellent. I think that structure really adds strength of feeling to the story.
I do have a few suggestions though. I have a few minor things in mind but taking into consideration your "authors note" and how you want to develop this piece into an assignment I thought I would suggest something a bit larger.
I think that the piece is strong but I also believe that it needs slightly more direction to really nail the concept. I thought after reading the third paragraph;
"But even though you can’t see it, it will come. Eventually you will find the hope that you’ve spent so long looking for. Time heals all wounds even if it looks like the pain will never stop."
that there is a voice, that doesn't get much say apart from here mind, that is trying to convince the protagonist against her suicide. I think this aspect of the story could really be developed and that it would help the ending as well. I would try to structure it so that its almost like a struggle between the protagonist and the narrator.
So maybe as an example have the first paragraph
"You lost you. That is, you’ve lost who you were. There’s nothing left but a shell, smiling and waving at the souls around you. This mess of issues and heartbreaks have left you empty and devoid of hope. You sit in the dark, cold and alone, praying that the light will rescue you from this void soon.
But I know your strong, I know its hard but you can wake up from this nightmare...etc etc."
then go on with the against which is so beautifully portrayed in the next paragraph and so on. It doesn't have to be quite so structured as that of course but you get the idea.
I thought this could also really help your ending because this is the bit I think needs a but more work. The concept is fantastic but it's your use of an unknown Samaritan that I don't particularly like (just my opinion of course!). So my idea was to change it from Samaritan to:
"My arms encircle you...."
"My hand scramble...."
""You cannot die now" I hear myself say somewhere above you (I took out the bloody but that's just me)"
"I encircle my arms around you, thanking some deity I promise you I will never leave you alone again. "
Does that make sense. This is just an idea of course, and I know it would make a total restructure of the piece and I want to make it clear that I think it is brilliant as is. This is just an idea to further develop the two characters (protagonist and narrator) and the story in a way you may previously not have considered.
I hope that is helpful and is the kind of thing you were after.
Keep writing I would love to read the final copy of what you hand in for your assignment.
-Crosa
Oh my gosh, thank you so much. I love all of you're ideas that you've explained! I can't thank you enough for all of your help. I will definitely post the final work up here, at the moment I'm adding in your ideas because it would help the story so much! Thank you for taking the time to write this out, hopefully I finish with most of the changes by tonight.
Oh my gosh this is sad! But it is so well written! I like how it's not first person, but it's not really third person either, or that could just be my tired, tested mind. I hate standard tests! Anyway back to the topic… They jumped off a bridge… The descriptions are wonderful, I will hunt down your teacher if she doesn't give you a hundred, because you said that this was an assignment, right? I just came to YWS, and I am so glad that this is one of the first short stories I read! Anyway, Great job!
Thank you so much for your kind words!