z

Young Writers Society


12+ Mature Content

The Village

by wizartjay


Prologue

Three boys, riding a bike through a crowded bazaar lit with yellow lanterns in the dark midnight. The bazaar floats like a little patch of light on the completely dark hill. The people continuously looking weirdly at them, their dull gaze following the 20 something olds wherever they go. One of the boys recording everything with his camcorder. The people recording them with their dead eyes.

Few months later, far away in the city

Ronny was just cleaning up the dust gathered since last night on the glass counter when he noticed an interesting man reaching towards his shop, taking a look all over the place while walking.

He had already started the morning Puja in the corner of the counter when the man entered, now looking more sure of himself, Ronny, still murmuring hymns towards the god pictures, was judging the man by his simple but expensive looking clothes. "Lucky start of the day" Ronny thought to himself, while closing the prayers for the morning.

"Hello sir" Ronny interrupted the man's introspection of his shop, making him to look at him and give a customary smile.

“Someone told me about your shop” - The Stranger continued “You sell Old items?”

“Of course sir, what do you need?, phone, camera, speakers, watch you will get everything in a good price, new / old doesn’t matter” Asked Ronny finally coming to the side where the man was standing.

“You sell lost items also?” Responded the man, leaning into the glass.

Ronny was taken aback, and then got a little worried too looking at the surety in the eyes of the man, for he did sell things that he did not really acquired from buying from the real owner. He had been careful to buy only the stuff that did not look too expensive from his few business partners. That was a safe structure of business which he followed, where the “business partners” would get stuff, by any means, owned by rich and possibly filthy rich people, people who would not spend their time to find that one tape recorder that they bought for their kid on his/her 6th birthday, that they did not even use maybe, and then one day it got missing from their car. Ronny’s surprise was because of this assumption, and the tinge of worry was because of his slight disbelief on his sellers.

“There is nothing stolen, we don’t do that kind of business sir” Concluded Ronny with enough made up conviction.

“Too bad, I was actually interested in buying any item to be honest, I like lost and found things, I am willing to pay good amount too for something interesting.” Responded the stranger, a casual tone in the stranger’s voice.

Ronny listened to the stranger like a child expecting more knowledge with a stupid look, a little bit of worry still lingering on his forehead.

“hahaha” the man laughed away some tension. “Do not worry, I am not someone who is going to bust your little operation, also not an owner who is here to claim something and create havoc, I am merely a…. collector, the name is Vivek Ghosh”

“A collector! what do you collect, uhh.., Mr Ghosh?” asked Ronny with a childish innocence, on which the man chortled grunt, and replied “I collect stories”

“We don’t sell stories here sir, a bit difficult to acquire without the owner’s knowledge” Replied Ronnie, joining in with the easing up of the tension.

“Hahahahha” This time the stranger laughed genuinely, giving it to the expected but slightly witty reply. “Well, someone did tell me that you are a sly mouth”

Ronnie joined in with the laughter, then said. “Alright, I will show you some of the items we got in last few weeks” with this reply Ronnie opened a back door far back the shop, and went in. The stranger scratched his brow.

“Not much here…, there is this book, that nobody wants to buy… this set of tea pot… one car radio….” Ronnie went on, still rummaging through his store room items.

“Shall I come in and look?” Mr Ghosh’s question got unanswered with Ronnie’s reply “Umm… and this camera…”. continued Ronnie, with a little bit of hesitation in his voice this time.

“Bring all of it” Said Mr Ghosh in a commanding voice.

Ronnie came out of the store room, with dust covering his fingers and shirt. and a box full of the items, all mostly dust covered.

Ronny came to the counter and put the box in the front of Ghosh.

“All junk…” retorted Mr Ghosh as Ronny laid out the items out in the counter.

“Umm… ohh this…” Ronny’s worried reply was interrupted with Ghosh’s sudden head turn to his left, It was like he was thinking something, then he removed his glasses and cleaned the sweat off his eyes with his hand.

Then calmly said, as if coming back to his act. “Although, I would like to know the story of this camcorder. how did you get it?”

“Umm… I wouldn’t suggest.. actually it is not even supposed to be here, I told them to throw it away… this shouldn’t be here… its too…”

“Stop!” Mr Ghosh said curtly to stop Ronny’s blabber. “As I said I collect stories…”

“But sir this is bad news”

“…I collect all kinds of stories. Now, calm down and tell me. If it is cursed, belongs to some gangster, or aliens, I am all ears. As I said, I will pay.” Mr Ghosh interjected, a kind of strictness in his voice, mixed with a failed attempt at calm Ronny down.

“Okay, alright… uhmm… I will tell you… after listening… you decide if you even want it. because I will throw it out as soon as I complete”

“Okay, makes perfect sense, now drink some water and calm the hell down. You have created enough hype around it, now I dont want you to ruin the story with your uhmms and buts.” Mr Ghosh replied, coming back to his casual jolly tone, and gesturing Ronny to sit down in a seat near by. Ronny came and sat, the stranger also took one seat beside him.

“Okay” said ronny giving a questioning look at Mr Ghosh’s face, which beamed like a child listening to a bed time story.

“Have you heard about DOC?…Dutta Oil Corporation… they have a red logo, shaped like a fish for whatever reason.”

“Ohh yes..”

“Well I had a friend, whose parents used to work in that company…”

“Uhmm sorry to interrupt, but can you tell it like you are not talking to me, but writing it down on a diary or something? It makes the storytelling better. Sorry, continue”

Ronny continued the story after giving another questioning look “So… Raghav, my friend, Sunny and Christopher, they were studying at that time, at NIT. Sunny was in some film making course, I didn’t even know they teach these kind of stuff in colleges, and the other two were doing engineering.

“Anyway, they went to their village, uhm.. Raghav’s maternal grandparent’s house, Its somewhere in UP, dont know the exact place. Don’t even want to know.

“Raghav and his friends, were, uhmm.., well they were, like any other college kids, too excited for the trip. They were supposed to visit the place for Sunny’s college project, he was to make some documentary about a workplace, Raghav‘s parents were at good position at the Delhi headquarter of DOC, they could have made their project there but these kids were in a mood of having a vacation, and Raghav had made his friends a “Raghav promise” already , so who was going to stop them?. Raghav’s parents were very resistant at first but its their fault they didn’t raise that kid to be obedient.

“And then they went to the place, but with a condition, that they will be accompanied by Raghav’s maternal uncle, strict army man, was on a week long holiday at his hometown, perfect man to keep these punks in line. It was supposed to be this guys holiday, but what I am going to tell you, is not gonna make it look like a holiday.” Ronny shuddered a little bit, but continued.

“On the day they arrived in the village’s railway station, it was reported a few incidents of landslides, somehow he managed to reach them and receive them in his jeep. It looks like he didn’t like them much from the start, maybe his disciplined demeanor didn’t digest three teenage men throwing stuff outside the car like idiots, shooting every the passerby people in their camcorder, … probably even zooming on the girls they see passing by, and talking smack about the poor villagers, I knew those three boys well enough. Although he didn’t say anything to them as he was supposed to just look upon them for two days, not more.

“That day, as I said because of the incidences of land slides, the road back to their grandparents house was heavily traffic jammed, poor guy was already annoyed and those kids probably annoyed him more by constantly nagging about why he didn’t take the higher road that joins back to their way to the destination later.

“Apparently that road was much less travelled, there was an old and abandoned factory building up that road a few miles, and the kids wanted to go by that road, but the army man was not someone who would change his mind, the reason he didn’t…”

“Uhh.. Wait” Interrupted the man “Just a little storytelling tip, If its going to be the something very interesting and revealing, don’t tell it mid way, tell it around the end of your story, sorry continue”

“Alright” Said Ronny, a bit annoyed “So as you can guess, the kids didn’t like him either, they probably found him too straight for their liking, as their excitement was dropping as they were spending more time under the hot sun on that jeep.

“Alas, they reached their grandparents house, one and a half hour later than they were supposed to, they greeted the grand parents and probably spent the rest of the day washing, eating and resting. Everything was going fine, the kids were also under control, the army man got a little eased up. But things changed too early, the same night the kids went missing.

“Upon searching around the house their grandfather found out that his motor bike was missing. That was the last straw for the army man, apparently the kids took the bike and were probably triple seating in the village. He was supposed to take care of them, so it made him worried and angry both at the same time.

“He took his Jeep out to search for them, he patrolled around the house, asked a few people around, only to figure out that the kids are doing exactly what they were not supposed to do…

“They were visiting the road they were told not to, the road less travelled. No idea what was intriguing about the place to them, maybe they saw the abandoned factory, and being the obedient kids they were they wanted to see it up close. How stupid is that! going out like this in the middle of the night!

“These were probably the thoughts going through the army man’s mind when he was going towards the road.

“And then there he was, at the cut which takes him up the mountain..”

“The road less travelled” the man added, intrigued.

“Yes, that one, and then when he was probably just going towards that road, he saw the three buffoons, triple seating the bike, coming towards him, laughing, as if they didn’t have any reason to be remorseful of their behavior.

“The man went mad at them just when they came close, it was then when they started rationalizing their act to him. that made him even more furious, he realized words do not work on these kids. He knew what they were going to say, even then he let them tell their story.

“Of course they said, how they could have taken that road in the morning, there was nothing troublesome over there, in fact there was a village in that area, and how they visited the late night bazaar in the place, how they enjoyed visiting the crowded market. Even though all of the people in the market were looking strangely at them.

“They were looking strangely at you? asked the man in a furious tone, Were they saying something while staring at you? did you go close to the factory area?

They nodded nervously

“’People don’t have late night markets in villages, they close everything before 7’ said the man in a voice mixed with reason and anger.

“They say none should take any decision when they are angry, and that was the mistake the army man did when he got to know that these kids lost their camera.

“when Sunny suddenly realized, that he had lost his camera, he started talking about going back to get it.

“That really angered the army man, the notion that, even after verbally telling them so many times, and even after logically telling them, these kids don’t seem to budge, they still don’t really believe in the dangers he is designated to save them from.

“He decided, in his anger, to show them instead of telling, the reality of the village they just visited.

“He told them all to get onto his jeep, and he himself drove them to the road, they kept guiding him to the direction, and he kept driving, until they reached finally, near the factory. Near the village.

“But one thing was majorly different this time, one thing that made the three kids drop their jaw, loose their shit. The feeling of fun, turned into pure horror and bewilderment in just few minutes.

“There was, no village, no bazaar, no, lights.

All the houses they saw just few minutes back, were all gone, all the weird people who were staring them, all gone. not a single thing. just one little red light beeping on the ground. And that was, their camera, this camera.”

Ronny pointed towards the camera.

There was a weird shakiness in his voice after this. Somehow he completed the story. The man didn’t ask any questions in between after that. His intrigued expressions turned into seriousness of a stone when he was told that all three kids died a few weeks later, one by one due to extreme fever.

“When they found out that the whole village was a dead peoples zone, the people they just saw few minutes back, they started developing a weird fever. They understood the coldness of those people’s eyes now, how they felt lifeless in their memory.

The army man, told them the story of the village, death of a whole village is something that nobody can possibly forget”

“How can a whole village die?”

“Chemicals” Said Ronny after a cold sigh. “The closed factory, which was owned by DOC, is closed now for a good reason. The factory used to throw all their chemical waste in that lake, illegally. First the kids started getting weird fevers and coldness, after just few days, half of the kids were dead, and complete village was ill, they probably tried all they could, but the only people who survived were the ones who finally left the place. And even those were very few.”

The man started to look at the camera.

“I can sell you the camera, but be sure, do not look into the footage, ever, I found out that all three friends decided to look at the footage, only after that their fever worsened, and they died. It is not a thing of good luck”

“Its fine, I won’t look at the footage, but do tell me, what can I pay you for such a good, but sad, story?”

“Whatever you feel like, 5 thousand, 6 thousand…”

That made the stranger look towards his left and really laugh. But Ronny was confused, when he heard the man laugh away “You did tell me that he is a sly mouth”.


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5 Reviews


Points: 282
Reviews: 5

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Fri Jan 19, 2024 4:32 am
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LunarAirPollution wrote a review...



Hi! This was such a cool story concept; you did well bringing it to life. You did a great job building up Ronny's storytelling to the climax of the story about the camera.
I am so fascinated by the character of the stranger; a mysterious rich man collecting stories for who knows why? And then giving people tips on how to be better story tellers! What an interesting MO.
I also really enjoyed the way you perspective shifted from narrator to Ronny telling the story. This style of writing tends to add a level of mystery and characterizes many really great horror writings such as Mary Shelley's 'Frankenstein' or 'The Turn of the Screw' by Henry James.
One thing that I think could be improved is the flow of the leadup to the storytelling part. There were a couple places where I got distracted (and slightly confused) by run on sentences that could very easily be spit of to provide more clarity and cohesion.
I also wanted to comment on how the dangling mystery of the camera footage is also very well done. It combines the trope of The Ring death video with an intriguing vagueness of questions gone unanswered. I can't help but wonder if you storyboarded this or just started at the beginning and let the story take you where it flowed? Either way; incredible!
Overall, I think you did a marvelous job and I really enjoyed reading this story.
Keep on writing!

xoxo




wizartjay says...


Really glad to know that you enjoyed my little short story! so grateful of your constructive feedback, the fact that you analysed and pin pointed exact areas that can be improved, is amazing!! I will surely work on those areas, again thank you so much, xoxo back to you!



wizartjay says...


And to answer your question, I did not storyboard it on paper, but what was going to happen in the story was pretty much in my mind for like a year. While putting it on paper I just added a few more details.



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6 Reviews


Points: 246
Reviews: 6

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Thu Jan 18, 2024 8:42 pm
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Marshall2 wrote a review...



Hi! wizartjay, I just read your story.

I really enjoyed the mysterious atmosphere you've created in the story. The introduction of the character Vivek Ghosh adds a interesting element, and the all the mysteries around him makes me want to read more, and know more about him.

I also really enjoyed reading the mysterious backstory of the camera that Vivek Ghosh was interested in. The unfolding mysteries and cautious warnings in Ronny's story makes the story really unique and interesting.

One of my favorite parts of the story was when the army man brought them back to the village, but the whole village was completely gone!

"The feeling of fun turned into pure horror and bewilderment in just a few minutes. No village, no lights. Just a beeping red light on the ground. Their camera."

I really like this unexpected plot twist, which adds even more mysteries to the story, and also makes the readers worried about Vivek Ghosh who is about to buy this camera.

I also have a few suggestions for this story:

I noticed some grammatical errors around the story, like missing periods, capitalization and missing quotation marks.

For example, for this:

'Ronnie joined in with the laughter, then said. “Alright, I will show you some of the items we got in last few weeks” with this reply Ronnie opened a back door far back the shop, and went in. The stranger scratched his brow.'

I would change it to:

'Ronnie joined in with the laughter, then said, “Alright, I will show you some of the items we got in last few weeks.” With this reply Ronnie opened a back door far back the shop, and went in. The stranger scratched his brow.'

and here you're missing a quotation mark at the beginning of the sentence:

The army man, told them the story of the village, death of a whole village is something that nobody can possibly forget”

But other than a few technical errors, I really enjoyed reading this suspenseful, mysterious story, showing the consequences of exploring the unknown, and ignoring the warnings of others.




wizartjay says...


Hey Marshall2! thanks for reading my short story. Its a lovely feeling that somebody took their time and read my story and also gave a constructive feedback!! You are so awesome for this. Surely I will lookout for the grammatical and other technical mistakes. Glad that you enjoyed the suspense! <3




Too often we crave the extraordinary in life, without even learning how to cherish the ordinary first. Friend, I promise you this: if you can learn to take joy in the simple mundane things in life, the extraordinary will take care of itself, it'll be on its way, hurrying towards you. But if you skip the first part, it'll ever evade you.
— Arcticus