Young Writers Society

This is such a dramatic piece! I *loved* the plot twist. You have created a romantic atmosphere through the speaker’s confessions, showing their (forbidden) relationship to be like any other couple’s. The reason why they couldn’t be together shocked me. I couldn’t have guessed if you hadn’t mentioned it!

However, I believe that the story could have ended at a fine-tuned note if you had revealed the big secret differently, mainly by changing the sentence structure. For instance, you might put the last sentence on its own, as if the speaker’s out of breath and realises that they are in the wrong.
Perhaps, something like this:
"Times when . . . she hates being his sister."

Perfect.

Very interesting plot twist. Definitely was not expecting that. It has great drama as well!

Wow! really good! i really could feel the drama! i loved that constant pattern and the emotion with each one. you left no strings unattached. you wrapped up the story nicely in a neat little package but at the same time you left it open for reader to wonder about the relationship. you story had a nice arc and followed a good pattern. very well done and i cant wait to see more

In my opinion, there are pros and cons of involving one self into incest. I dismiss them completely since I dislike incest due to many reasons.

But this story really is dramatic. I can imagine myself in her shoes, the pleasures I'll get, etc. It's not hard to do so it's relatable to me. Your descriptions are good. I think this is the best aspect in the story.

Okay, the repetitive parts. Repetitive can be efficient if not overly used. Sadly, this one is. Take the last paragraph for example.

"There were times when she never loved being his dirty little secret. Times when she remembers she cannot love him. Times when she remembers why people cannot ever know about them. Times when she hates that reason. Times when she hates being related to him. Times when she hates being his sister."

The words "times" is redundancy you can remove. It would be like this:

"There were times when she never loved being his dirty little secret. When she remembers she cannot love him. When she remembers the reason why people cannot ever know about them and when she hates that reason. When she hates being related to him and hates being his sister."

This is merely a suggestion. For me, it would make the reading less tedious. And there's still repetitiveness in the first line of each paragraph which will emphasis the time.

That is all. Keep writing!

Ah! I was already wondering whose parents you were talking about.
I like the style of your writing, but I think the verbs in the first and second part should be in past tense, it sounds better.
So this is for instance "Times when they shared sly glances from across the room" instead of "Times when they share sly glances from across the room" and so on. I'm afraid you'll have to change a lot of verbs this way.
If you don't like to do this, you can change the very first line to "There are times when" etc.
That way the rest of the verbs can stay this way.

Another thing I was thinking about is this sentence: "Times when he whispers sweet nothings to her ear." First of all, I love your words 'sweet nothings'. But I wonder if you meant "into her ear" instead of "to her ear", because you did say that in the second part.

The last thing I noticed was in the last line of the second part. "Times that make her feel alive and used and tainted." I think you could better use another word than 'alive', since this is rather positive and you already used it in the first part. I was thinking about something like 'numb' or 'paralysed' or something that shows that he takes away her energy. 'Drained', maybe.

Anyway, I hope you find this review useful. I loved your plottwist by the way.