Published June 8, 2009
I bite my lip and you smile.
You pull me close and the pain goes,
even if only for a little while.
Your voice, your smile bring out a strength
in me I didn't know I had.
You make being me not so bad,
and nothing in this world is too hard for me.
When I'm with you, I'm not crazy.
You whisper (I love you) in my ear.
And somehow you know exactly
what I need to hear.
I lay my head on your chest,
and by just feeling your heart beat
I can forget all the rest.
Forget the pain I've felt, the pain I've caused,
for in our world there's just
you and me and no one else.
Your lips, your kiss makes
me glad I'm still here.
When I'm with you, you take away my fear.
You grab my hand and hold on tight,
I know you worry when I'm out of sight.
But I want you to know,
I love you more then I let show.
And I want you to know that
I'm not willing to let this love go.
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140,790 Literary Works • 673,688 Reviews
I liked this. There were a few parts that didn't flow nicely, but the overall message was developed greatly. My favorite stanza was probably...
You whisper in my ear
And somehow you know exactly
What I need to hear
I liked this one because of the word placement. Very nice job. Keep it up.
I bite my lip and you smile.
You pull me close and give me a dose
even if only for a little while.
Your voice, your smile bring out a strength
in me I didn't know I had.
You make being me not so bad,
and nothing in this world is too hard for me.
When I'm with you, I'm not crazy.
You whisper (I love you) in my ear.
And somehow you know exactly
what I need to hear.
I lay my head on your chest,
and by just feeling your heart beat
I can forget all the rest.
Forget the pain I've felt, in my heart
for in our world there's just
you and me and no one else.
Your lips, your kiss makes
me glad I'm still here.
When I'm with you, you take away my fear.
You grab my hand and hold on tight,
I know you worry when I'm out of sight.
But I want you to know,
I love you more then I let show.
And you can know for shure that
I'm not willing to let this love go.
good , this is all I have .......
Hi! This is real an awesome poem. The emotion of love and its soothing effect is really beautifully put in by you. Keep writing.
I especially liked the last stanza. Good work!
Quick review:
)
Well the past reviewers already touched base with your spelling/grammar so I'm not going to do that.
For me I found the rhyme scheme to be simple and mundane. The concept has been butchered and done with. There is nothing new with this piece, in fact, some stanzas are very cliche; it's as if I've read this before or heard it from a movie/song. The imagery is brilliant.
Overall (you might find this shocking), I loved it. The simple rhyme scheme combined with the cheesy lines emphasized your final message very well plus, I felt that you illustrated young love perfectly especially the naivety .
Pros: Imagery (very clear and imaginable), nice flow (choppy at parts)
Neutral: Message (concept has been butchered but they're still nice reads
Cons: Simple rhyme scheme, Lacks complexity
Things to improve on: Change up your rhyme scheme, hit them with the rhymes when they don't expect it.
My 2 cents.
Keep writing. You're good at it. ^^
Hey wishiwerent! I'm Kat, and I will review this piece of yours
Stanza by stanza comments!
The first sentence sounds so... empty. I think you could do so much better with the word choice, so that we can better picture that scene and how it makes you and the other person feel.
In the second line, you do a 360º spin on the subject. Try to make that change a little bit more softer. Maybe add another line, and connect these two themes a bit more. Also, when you read it out loud, it looks like the line wasn't finished. As if an away is missing after 'goes'.
This stanza as ok/nice. Cute, even. But not something that would normally draw me in the poem very much. Alas, you do have to improve on your depth, meaning. Have you heard of imagery? The not show, make us feel thingy? Improve on that area
In the first line, there's a comma missing after 'smile'. You give 'your smile' as a second definition, an extra, so to say, and so that should be between commas
When you read the first two second out loud, the brake seems off. Maybe try to add more words and brake the first line, adding the 'in me'. Like this: "Your voice, your smile, give me a strength" or something like that. Don't know; just reconsider it.
Wow! The third line has some serious tense problems! You put all kind of tenses together, dear! Let's just bring it down to one, 'kay? Like this: "You make me feel not so bad" (actually better would sound prettier instead of not so bad).There are words missing in the third line. I think there's an 'as if' or 'like' missing.
Oh, so you're crazy? Care to explain? In which way?
I love you doesn't need to be in brackets, dear. Instead of a period in the end of the first line, put a comma and dis capitalize the 'and' on the second line.
These lines, I'm sorry to say, but a overused. This is a very common theme, and to make your poem interesting you need to make your point original. You can say the same message as every other poem, but still make it better; original.
This was really good, I just noticed one mistake. When you said "Your lips, your kiss make me glad I'm still here." It should be "Your lips, your kiss makes me glad I'm still here." or "Your lips, your kisses make me glad I'm still here." Saying "your kiss make..." is not the right format for this sentence. It might have just been a typo but I'm just letting you know. But the thought behind this is very good, and it is very well written.
Keep on writing!
I love this I thought I reviewed it earlier, guess it didn't save.
Anyway its great. Keep writing.