Young Writers Society

Hi I really love this poem, it's really creative and realistic. I know a lot about depression and have been through it, so I completely understand what the speaker is talking about, I do hope that this isn't how you really feel but if it is I hope you get past this. People who go through depression really just want a happier life and someone who loves and really cares for them.

Anyway well done! I hope to see more nice poems from you!

Hey Wish!


Let's see here. When I was reading this poem, there were bits that felt a little out of place, and I think it's because you have different rhyme schemes for each stanza. You have ABCB for the first stanza (and the only rhyme you've got - closer/over - is just barely there), then you have AABCB, ABCDB, ABCAB, and finally ABCDB like in the third stanza. This variety makes it harder for the poem to be whole, together, if you know what I mean. Your rhyming hops in and off and there's not that solid feeling in the poem because of it, plus that it makes the overall mood seem a bit rushed.

If you haven't yet, you should try reading this poem out loud (actually, you should always read your poems out loud). That way, you'll notice if some lines sound off or don't fit in with the others, or the places where you need punctuate to point out the pause. Reading out loud makes the poems feels more human, too, and by this I mean that you should notice if some words or phrases sound completely wrong and forced. Which again helps you polish your poem to make them perfect!

Another thing. Your poem is titled "Depression Calls", and you repeat the word depression or depressive in every stanza. This is something that will surely divide opinions. Some people love repetition more than anything, but some tend to avoid it with all their might. I'm more in the middle - repetition can be good if it's done gently, but it can also be very annoying. Also, the great thing about poetry is that you can describe, tell, and talk about things without actually using the real terms at all. You can kind of disguise the subject of your poem to something totally different, which makes it actually a little like theatre, drama, only with words and not people. This is a very interesting aspect and I think you should give it a try. Right now, you're just repeating it about depression, but instead you could try making it more abstract. I mean, people will lose interest quickly if I wrote them a poem about a red apple and the poem would be full "This is a red apple. I have a red apple." That's one-dimensional, and it gets boring really fast. So you could try challenging yourself and look beyond what you want to say. It's not very easy, but it gets easier the more time passes and the more you write.

And one nit-pick:

and see more then just this day.

Good job! I love it.

The only thing that bothered me is the second stanza. The rhyming rule doesn't fit in with the rest of the poem. See if you can play with it a little to try to work it out.

Great job otherwise!

zOe

wow that is really good. i wish i was that good of a poet