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Young Writers Society



Going through Time-Chapter Twenty-One: Over the River and Through the Woods, to Camp We Go

by erilea


     Kronos stood there, breathing heavily. Golden ichor was dripping from the gashes Hades had managed to land, and his scythe was covered in scratches and burn marks. I gave my dad some of the ambrosia I had, but he declined. "Jaz, ambrosia is the food of the gods. It heals demigods as well. What do you think would happen if a Titan ate it?"

     "Something bad?" I guessed. Kronos nodded wearily. He suddenly seemed like a regular dad, not an evil Titan who tried to bring down Mount Olympus and kill my friends. I almost forgave him.

     "Um, sorry to interrupt the moment, but now that we've defeated Chaos and Hades, shouldn't we travel back to camp?" Will asked rudely. Kronos shook his head gravely. "Will, Chaos and Hades unleashed hundreds of monsters into the real world hoping to destroy the mortals and make the world new. However, I'm afraid they are heading for both Roman and Greek camps."

     My blood froze and a cold fist grasped my heart. "Then we should go to Camp Half-Blood." I said weakly. My friends nodded and looked at me. "How do we get home?" Sadie asked.

    "I don't know. I'm not the leader..." I trailed off as my friends stared at me like, Really? In that instant I knew that I was the leader of this quest. I had gotten my friends into this mess and I was going to get them out.

     "Um, okay then. Well, how about if we contacted Chiron and asked him if we could borrow the pegasi? One of the campers could come and take us back." I suggested, and they al, nodded. I pulled a drachma out of my pocket. "Wait one second. How can we get a rainbow?" I asked. Nobody answered.

     Suddenly, a bright light flashed, and a rainbow arched from Will to Kronos. "Iris at your service! One drachma, please."

     I was shocked, but quickly deposited the drachma and said, "Chiron, Camp Half-Blood." I feared up at the thought that monsters were invading. Chiron showed up in front of us. "Jaz? Kronos?" He asked, surprised. I quickly explained what had happened and asked if we could borrow the pegasi. Minutes later I saw a black blob in the distance that looked like a crow, or...

     "Blackjack!" Sadie cried happily. Following behind him were Guido ad Porkpie. They landed in front of us, wings buffeting the air. Percy was riding on Blackjack. "Jaz, Sadie, Will. And-" he stopped short when he saw Kronos standing next to me. "Kronos?" I sighed. "My dad. Long story, don't ask." Percy seemed a little confused but he gave him Guido. Will rode on Blackjack with hi and me and Sadie shared Porkpie. We soared through the clouds until we saw a familiar baby blue building. All three pegasi plummeted towards it and in no time we were on the ground. Chiron met us with a grin.

     "Chiron, I have terrible news. Monsters, hundreds, are coming to attack both camps soon." I rushed, before Chiron could say a word. His grin faded and was replaced with a frown. I told him what Jronos had told me.

     "Also, your time traveling has sent the mortals rumbling through time. When you manipulate time they are affected as well." Kronos admitted. I was silent with horror, but Chron nodded. "We must prepare the campers and...father." Chiron said reluctantly. "You must prepare as well. We need all the help we can get."


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Sun May 31, 2015 4:24 am
Dracula wrote a review...



Off to camp? I'm getting excited!!

"Jaz, ambrosia is the food of the gods. It heals demigods as well. What do you think would happen if a Titan ate it?"
I hate to imagine what would happen, but at the same time I am sort of curious to know what you think would happen. Maybe have Jasmine imagine it and add some description?

"Blackjack!" Sadie cried happily. Following behind him were Guido ad Porkpie. They landed in front of us, wings buffeting the air. Percy was riding on Blackjack.
Percy to the rescue! :P

Will rode on Blackjack with hi and me and Sadie shared Porkpie
him*

I told him what Jronos had told me.
Kronos*

I love your fanfic, this was another exciting chapter. :D




erilea says...


Thx! Typing on an iPad is hard...>.>



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Thu May 28, 2015 11:30 pm
Chaser wrote a review...



Hello.

As I read this story, I found myself enjoying "what" happened, but was at a loss a few times as to "how." Things like this:

"He suddenly seemed like a regular dad,..." - Could you give a bit more detail about how he seemed this way? Moments like this could provide a lot more depth and pathos, and to base it off Kronos just "nodding wearily" doesn't seem to cut it.

When the light flashes from Will to Kronos, it's fine if you don't explain it right away. But to keep it from bugging the reader, you might want to either explain it a bit later or highlight the mysterious aspect of the event.

You could use a bit more all-around detail as well. Chiron simply grinning seems slightly out-of-character, so you might want to add an adjective to make that action more Chiron-ly. In another example, the way Percy notices Kronos is a bit...flat. People who spent an entire series fighting each other just meeting with a few confused glances and words just seems a bit off. I dunno though, I might have missed something in the previous chapters.

Well, that's it. You're mostly spot-on with grammar, but you have a few misspellings. Nothing major to point out here. Cheers.


-Chaser




erilea says...


Thx.




I lingered round them, under that benign sky: watched the moths fluttering among the heath and harebells, listened to the soft wind breathing through the grass, and wondered how any one could ever imagine unquiet slumbers for the sleepers in that quiet earth.
— Emily Bronte, Wuthering Heights