In The End

You haven’t been on in forever, Winter :c (Happy review day . . . oh wait, you aren’t participating o.o *shamessssss you*)
Anyhoo, I’m here to give you a review, amongst my personal opinions ^-^ (go Tsunami Tyrants! Let’s do this thing! hehehe)
Anyhoo, here I go!
To begin my compliment sandwich, I’ll begin with the fact that this piece has your “mark” on it c: Personal style, great atmosphere, exciting, enticing, and you always seem to have a . . . “darker” edge to your writing. It’s hidden keep within your writing lol I like it, though.
A couple of things left me confused, or rather, “uncertain”. Making me feel a bit disconnected from the “piece” a bit, BUT NOT THE CHARACTERS. You write sensation characters, I gotta say. Very deep and emotional, and very life-like. Overall it was a heart-wrenching piece, very nice. It flowed really well and I didn’t spot any grammatical errors whatsoever c:

Keep writing !
Catnip~

Skyler Lestrange here to give opinions, advice, help and, most importantly, LOVE AND PEACE! :I HERE I GO!

OK so I was listening to Nights in white Satin whilst reading listen and it went perfectly with it! Just saying. Listen to it sometime Also I thought this was gonna be a Black Veil Brides fanfic cause you like them and they have that song 'In The End'. But I guess you cant judge a book by its cover.

I'm not really into fantasy but this is a pretty cool story!

"Vic was his partner they got through everything together"
I think you have to put a full stop between 'partner' and 'they'. Remember to check your work before submitting it.

So I'm curious. Who are they running from? First of all I thought the people who were running after them were, like, bullies or haters. Care to explain a bit?

Anyway, thank you for your time.

It was a gripping read, high paced and exciting. The kind of thing that tends to hook me on a story and as such I reckon this would be a good prologue if you ever decide to take the story further. I won't go too much into the technical but have another read through this and you'll spot a few missing commas, you've also mixed tempus at two points and written "shakes" instead of "shook" and "nods" instead of "nodded."

As far as the story goes I'm left wondering a few things, the kind of things that answering would fit very well into following chapters. For one, why are they forced to killing each other? Has it anything to do with the sun not rising and what caused the sun to disappear? Here in Sweden, in the northernmost parts the sun doesn't rise at all during the long winters. The cold and dark atmosphere made me think of that.

There where a few parts where I'd liked to have seen some extended dialogue for extre emotional impact. Where Fin tells Vic what he's done with the young boys and Vic's telling fin how proud he is.

The emotions portrayed by the two characters seem genuine to me, which isn't always an easy thing to accomplish in fantasy writing and in situations where most of us wouldn't know how we'd react. The exchange, (glances, words, emotions) between Vic and Fin is quite good!

Write more and when you're not writing, read. It is easy to see that you've got a storyteller in you that wants to come out. Keep up the good!

i liked it. The ending was perfect.

This story broke my heart and i almost cried. I felt really connected to the characters and what they were feeling. I could feel the loss as he lost his friend to the cold clutches of death. I loved this story.

This story was beautifully written no flaws or errors that i saw. It is a beautiful piece of writing , in my opinion. I could feel it flow through the pages and saw how it developed and changed it was moving and every part of it worked together.

Reading this story was like falling into a leaf pile. It wasn't hard to read it was easy to comprehend and i liked that. It didn't have a lot to it but what it did have portrayed the message so clearly that you didn't need a lot. It was beautifully written with nice grammar and great sentence structure.

Great job!!!!!! I wish you luck with your writing. XD

This story broke my heart and i almost cried. I felt really connected to the characters and what they were feeling. I could feel the loss as he lost his friend to the cold clutches of death. I loved this story.

This story was beautifully written no flaws or errors that i saw. It is a beautiful piece of writing , in my opinion. I could feel it flow through the pages and saw how it developed and changed it was moving and every part of it worked together.

Reading this story was like falling into a leaf pile. It wasn't hard to read it was easy to comprehend and i liked that. It didn't have a lot to it but what it did have portrayed the message so clearly that you didn't need a lot. It was beautifully written with nice grammar and great sentence structure.

Great job!!!!!! I wish you luck with your writing. XD

Hi, EatSleepRead here.
This was a great story to read! I love the characters.
Buuut, there were some errors. I'm just trying to help, not insult. Example:
"...farther into the darker pats of the forest." I know you meant to say 'parts', but just maybe little things like that could be prevented if you read over your story.
Dont worry, i did that kind of stuff too.
Hope i helped

"Fin stood in the forest with his wooden bow in his shaking hand"

Hello there Winter! Dogs here with your review. Ok, quick note that I'll be rather persistent on... always omit all useless words whenever you can. This line sounds smoother with something more like: "Fin stood in the forest with his wooden bow shaking in his hand" rearranged the words a tad and it just sounds smoother. Total nit pick thing.

"It was so cold out there for him. The sun hadn't come up in days"

Ok, you have two fragment sentences right next to each other. In short stories you have more leniency on using fragment sentences, but if you can avoid using them do so. It will help the flow out, so just connect these two lines with a comma.

Ok, nice writing with the plot line up to here. Although you never describe Fin going to Vic's side to give him his shirt. Of course, being stunned is the first reasonable action but quickly followed up with him running to his side and pulling him to the safety of the trees.

"He than proceeded to tare..."

You don't need both "than" and "proceeded" in this line. You can take either or out to help it read smoothly.

"they were still firing at them all around"

Well I'm a little confused by this line because you never described them shooting arrows at Vic and Fin other than the one that struck Vic. Maybe describe some arrows whistling past Fin as he ran to Vic's side.

"Vic lifted his head half out of it"

Out of what? What was Vic resting his head in? Try to avoid using ambiguous words such as "it" unless it is clear what "it" is.

"He pushed the cold metal blade into Fin's hand"

Yowsers! First time I read this I thought he was just impaling Fin's hand with the knife. Try to clarify your meaning.

Nice, ending. A little over done but it works. All and all good writing with just a few missing bits. I enjoyed reading this piece and I look forward to reading more of your work in the future. Let me know if you ever need a review! Keep up the good work!

TuckEr EllsworTh

Heya, here to review and all that shazaam.

Firstly and foremost, a warm welcome to our odd ranks! May you find your stay pleasant. ^^

The idea, though extremely cliché, has potential for a massive outburst of emotion, and if handled correctly, can really pull at your heart strings. This didn't get there. Though there's blood and tears and dead bodies, they all seem two-dimensional, and seem to only be used for shock value. I don't feel any sympathy for the main characters, and couldn't even tell them apart at times. They both seemed the same, bland shaky-I-don't-wanna-die boy. And this brings me to the main problem I think this story had. It just was. It didn't have a spark to it, nothing that set me off and made me want to read more. It was a recounting of happenings that seemed detached and uncaring in its approach. For example, the last paragraph almost sounds comical when it's trying to be serious.

Now, this might all sound harsh as heck, but I'm just trying to get across that there is room for improvement. Improvement being the keyword, let's get to how you can fix this up so that it works as an emotional piece.

When you think of emotion, do you think of them as objective or subjective? This might seem a stupid question, as the answer is obviously subjective. Look over your writing. Does it seem intimate and subjective, or detached and objective? My money's on the latter. The main advice I have for you is to show us what happens instead of rattling off happenings as if they came from the List of Objectiveness. The easiest, and often most effective way, to do this is to show us the happenings through differing senses. Your MC is not a deaf, numb, hard of hearing robot who only relies on his sight, so show us that he is organic and capable of utilising his senses. Instead of stating, oh look, there's blood, imagine what it would feel like, what it would smell like. It's the senses that make the real world 'real', and to get a reader to experience an alternative real world, you must encompass them fully. Experiment with adding the other four senses and you'll notice that you'll gain a lot of new depth to your writing. It will make it even more enjoyable to write, as well.

Other than that, I'd cut out the stupidly cliché lines like:

Fin was so worried for Vic’s life; he couldn’t do this without him! Vic was his partner they got through everything together, Fin wasn’t going to let him die.

In a weak voice Vic told Fin how proud he was, and that he could still make it without him, Vic blocked Fin’s protests and assured him that it was going to be alright.