We’re becoming WriterFeed.
The site will be unavailable for at least 2 hours starting 1pm ET on Sunday, October 25 while we make the name-change updates.
Thanks for your patience! We’ll be back as soon as we can.
I do not know how long I've been in this world. It seems like decades though I know that would not be possible. The box I am placed in is rather crowded---full of bits and snippets of who-knows-what. It was an joke, I may be a doll, but I am not 'brainless' (whatever that means). I can make jokes because I've heard many before. Yes, I am a doll; created by a girl who does nothing but sit at her desk and click the strange blocks. I must say she does care for me...
It's another day, the lights open and the Girl groggily lumbers into the other room---the one that has a desk, too. A bigger, rectangular desk that has many chairs around it. After a long time, the Girl comes back into the room with her eyes still half closed. But something is off about her, what was it? Oh, right, her clothes are different---it must have hurt to cut off that fabric, I bet her cottons spilled out (it always does). As I watch, the Girl goes outside and she has an air, an air of someone who's not going to come back for a long time.
It has been a long time, too long in fact. I dozed off several times earlier, but I have not missed anything important or 'entertaining' (It does feel nice to use a new word that I've learnt). Entertaining as in the movements of people. I find it rather fascinating that they can move and I cannot. Maybe someday I would too be able to move.
As I had mentioned, the girl has been out for a long time. It feels longer than when she goes to that stack of boxes after closing the lights. I wonder what they were called... ah, "stairs". She disappears slowly as if she was being cut, and after what feels like ages she would come back as if the cut has been reversed. While I am thinking, I hear the older person saying something into a small very flat box called a "fone". I am not sure what a fone is, but I often see many other people carrying clones of it around. That reminds me of a conversation between Girl and the Older Person, about how many have "overeliance" on fones.
I would not agree with the conversation. It seems to me that the Girl relies more on the oddly shaped box that holds the strange buttons than her fone. Like I mentioned, she does nothing except sit at her desk and click away. It is rare to see her far from her desk---which brings me to, I haven't seen her a single time since the Blue Change. Now it's the Yellow Change, I believe the people call it a "sun set".
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
142,229 Literary Works • 677,054 Reviews
What type of feedback would you like? I tend to give a scattershot approach when not directed properly ^^
Ohh that is an interesting and intriguing observation. It can be something mundane that the doll just doesn’t understand or it could be something sinister and supernatural (I am always in for the latter but I understand that in most stories it’s the former XD)Felt like reading something small and manageable as my final review today so hi and hello~
Hmmm I wonder how our doll MC can understand the complexity of jokes and speech and the like but doesn’t rly understand what the blocks the girl plays with are. Or what her name is?
I wish we knew what made the doll think that. Is it something in the girl’s eyes maybe?
That is such a fascinating way to see the world!
That made me chuckle :3
Very cute beginning!
I think you’re making a good effort in aligning your narration to what a doll would know! Some stuff doesn’t rly line up (like why would the doll “doze”; is it a transformed human?) but for the most part, it works rly well ^^
If you have any questions, let me know!
And don’t hesitate to write reviews yourself. Think abt what kinda feedback you would have liked for your story and give that to the other writers here on YWS.
Happy writing and I hope you have a wonderful day!
Thanks a lot!
I enjoyed this. The concept of a cognizant doll is immediately captivating, and I think the point of view is an especially strong choice. I enjoy that the narrator is a misinterpreting narrator rather than our usual unreliable one. There are several deliberate grammatical quirks throughout the piece; most of them work because they are tied directly to the doll's voice. Some are worth mentioning in case they were not intentional. “I bet her cottons spilled out (it always does).” “Cottons” would not normally be pluralized this way, but it may just be a result of the narrator's developing vocabulary. In that case, the parenthetical would technically agree with the plural: “I bet her cottons spilled out (they always do).” However, “it always does” could itself be intentional if the narrator thinks of cotton as a singular substance despite referring to it as “cottons.” Here, nuance and authorial intention could matter more than strict grammatical correctness.
There are a few grammatical issues that seem less deliberate. “It's another day, the lights open and the Girl...” is a comma splice and would be better separated into two sentences: “It's another day. The lights open, and the Girl...” Similarly, “It was an joke, I may be a doll...” should use “a” rather than “an”: “It was a joke.” “The Girl” and “the girl” are used interchangeably. If “Girl” is effectively the narrator's proper name for her creator, then it should be capitalized consistently. The same would apply to “Older Person,” if intended as a title. One sentence I would consider revising: “She disappears slowly as if she was being cut, and after what feels like ages she would come back as if the cut has been reversed.” It feels overloaded, and there are several tense shifts. “She disappears slowly, as if she were being cut, and after what feels like ages she comes back, as if the cut has been reversed” would read more smoothly while preserving the imagery.
Thank you for this read.
Thanks!