Published July 16, 2009
Unseen
No one can see me
For who I really am
In the dark is where I be
Hidden by the judging, damn
I doubt anyone cares
To them Im just a geek
They give me all their stares
Now Im the freak
Sitting in this sit alone
Being very unnoticeable
I wish I had some backbone
To no longer be invisible
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140,662 Literary Works • 673,584 Reviews
Hey I am going to review yours today! although I reviewed it before I didn't critique!
In the first stanza I can see where you are coming from, and I like the image you have created, I am unsure about the 'damn', it sounds a little forced to fit with the rhythem, for it doesn't really fit with the mood. You start all solemn and then in one word turn harsh, it's not necisary. you could put 'Hidden by all the judging' or something that won't change the feel.
the second stanza really gives us a sense of where you are, and whats going on, but I really don't understand where the freak came from if you are already a geek, just because you are cleaver doesn't mean you are a freak. There are usually more than one so I am sure you wouldn't be alone
Obviously you mean seat, and wouldn't you sit in a seat on your own anyway, you wouldn't usually share one, don't you mean table or bench, sounds a bit forched, but the last lines are very emotional
overall it is good but it could be better, you just need a bit of tweaking!
Hi!
I understand the message that you are trying to convey in this piece, but I have a few problems with it:
Firstly you are over forcing a rhyme. You needn't do this; to choose the right words is much more important than to stick to a rhyme scheme. If you read some of the greatest poets you'll find their rhymes inconsistent.
Secondly is that you are providing the reader only with physical description and straightforwardly 'telling them'. Do not tell them - show them through imagery.
Thirdly remember punctuation! It's 'I'm' - not 'Im'!!!
I really enjoyed this despite what I said above
Keep writing because with a little bit of work you can become splendid!
Jemima
hay their ... en.lite.d.art.here
like the poem ... brilliant flow and most importantly you constantly relate back to the context of what this poem stands for without straying off course which is a good strength that gets neglected frequently
'No one can see me
For who I really am
In the dark is where I be
Hidden by the judging, damn'
my personal favourite stanza .... "in the dark is where i be " goood choice of wording
keep up the good work
Hey!!!!!
I liked this poem. You had a very powerful poem, and I found I could relate to it very well.
Now, on to the review....
Okay, you had a very good first three lines, but then your "damn" jarred the image. I would find another word that rhymes with "am"; like Shina, I feel that you're focusing a little too much on the rhyming. Freestyle's good too, you know.
This stanza feels different from the other stanzas somehow. I'm not very sure why. And line 2 sounds weird. I would suggest rewriting that line.
Everything else has already been said! Great job!
Keep writing!
zOe
hey winter, this is dogs here
I liked your poem and i totally relate to the message. it flows nicely and it sounds pretty good. however i have some quick suggestions
i really like the first stanza. but on the last line you say "hidden by the judging, damn" that extra "damn" really kinda ruins it for me. i think that you need to find someother word or just take the damn out and leave it as "hidden by the judging" which i think would sound really good
also in the second stanza i don't like the entire "freak" notion. it kinda disrupts the poem. you should find something that relates to your beginning stanza so you can tie it all togeather
the last thing i wanted to say is MAKE THIS LONGER. this poem is yours to write all you want to write. so go ahead and do so. best of luck =D =D
TuckEr EllsworTh
this is really sweet, and very sad
the other people have done all the nit picky stuff so I'm over with that.
I like the fact it's based on judging because thats what people do all the time, and even I am sitting here now judging your work
but I like the fact it is also based on a normal everyday situation that could make everyone see.
well done
Hey Winter ^^ Shina here for a review
Okay, so this first paragraph already tells me that your rhyme scheme is eating up the whole poem. Freestyle is a great alternative for poetry. Remember to choose meaning over word, dear
Also, you can just end the second and fourth line.
The last line doesn't really make sense, and the third line changes the voice. "Be" isn't proper grammar, yet in the rest of the poem grammar is fine.
*I'm
*I'm
Also, I think the last line would be better as "Because I am the freak"
*I think you mean "seat" or "spot"
I don't really like the wording here. Rhyme scheme is eating up this poem.
It should be "I wish I had a backbone"
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Winter, I totally get the idea you're trying to express here, but your rhyme scheme is eating it up. I might suggest trying free form. There's nothing wrong with free form ^^
You might want to check out Evi's "Let Me Leave With Spectrum Shades".
Also, this poem reminds me of one I wrote, also.
http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic48876.html <--- this is it.
-Shina
This is a cool, powerful poem
I think you should change that last line a bit. The rhythm is wrong. Maybe you should change it to 'hidden by judging, damn.' or something like that. Take out a syllable.
Again, the last line has rhythm issues. My advise, add a syllable by changing 'I'm' to 'I am'
in the first line, did you mean to say 'seat?'
This is very good. Fix the rhythm problems and it could be great.