Published May 29, 2009
Pain
Some may think it’s a game
Like it is an art
But it’s so hard to tame
When it’s felt in the heart
Now its here to stay
I want really want it to go
Please someone take it away
I’m feeling so low
It was caused by love
People say it has to be a lie
Thinking that it is like a dove
Well I think that bird can go die
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I liked it ok, but it really kept me guessing at what you were trying to get at. You kept good ryme but just try to make it more clear.
Hey there Winter! June here!
Thanks for the review on my poem, To Lily. Glad you liked it.
Let's have a look at your poem here:
I understand that rhyme is one of the main things that you would like to achieve in this poem, dear, but, we kind of feel a sense of forced rhyme as we read this stanza. The line "Like it is an art" is really throwing us off at this point; we cannot actually connect the previous line and the following line with this, dear.
To speak, I would rework this, tinkering a bit with the line "like it is an art". As you can see, it disrupts the rhythm, seeing as the line is the shortest in this stanza, and kind of throws the ideas around.
Again, dear, we're kind of getting the whole "forced rhyme" feeling with this; we're confused at this point, because we're kind of unsure what you want to go.
Also, the second line here is "I want really want it to go"; it's an easy thing to overlook, but I'm not so sure if that's meant to be? I believe it's an error there, dear, and I think that the first "want" should be removed.
I understand that the dove is very often connected to love, often symbolizing love itself (and I wonder, is that because it rhymes? I mean, why of all birds would they choose the dove? xD) but, here again, it's kind of shaky with rhyme.
The main thing that's making this poem suffer is it's restricted creativity, dear. You will find that many, many modern poets do not use rhyme in their poetry, and this is because of how difficult it is to rhyme consistently, still make sense, and have all of your ideas properly conveyed.
The problem with rhyme is that it restricts immensely. You need to be free in poetry; it's a time to just get feelings, emotions, and anything out onto a page so that your audience can relate. For now, we are only grasping the rhyme of this, dear, not really catching on to the other aspects that make up this poem.
It's confusing, however, to have so many ideas in one stanza. You have to abandon one idea to start another for the sake of rhyme and abandon that one all too fast.
I would suggest adding to this, dear. =] Take a moment and expand on these ideas and connect them so that one idea is in each stanza.
Nice job on the rhyme though.
Juniper
Hello! XYZ here to review!
First of all, I don’t know anyone that thinks pain is a game. Or are you talking about love? If you are, this is kind of confusing, as the title of the poem is “Pain”. I suggest you say what your taking about. Also, “it is an art” read kinda funny for me. Oh, and I really like the third line!
That needed to be “it’s”.
This whole paragraph sounded a little forced. “People say it has to be a lie” doesn’t flow that well with the rhythm. Maybe change it to something like “They all say it’s a lie”. I would change the “it is” in the third sentence to “it’s”, and maybe get rid of “that”. I would get rid of the “go” in the last line.
Overall, I really liked this poem. Considering it’s structure, ABAB, it’s surprisingly not forced. I think this is a nice, sweet little poem. Good job!
-Y