Sarah is Dead
"I don't care for Sarah all I about is Calvin" said Tiara.
"You think of him every minute Tiara" Sam said.
"Whatever now lets think how this happened" said Ashley.
"What is someone in our school did it" said Sam.
"That is imposable and I was with Calvin that night" said Tiara.
"Stop talking about him" sais Sam. "Some people were in the school at that time" said Ashley."That is how she died that night".
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Canary word: Present
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,776 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okayyy well this is quite some start here. Its a bit on the shorter side as far as things on this particular level are concerned and not much really seems to be going on here. As far as something meant to be a part on its own is concerned this one of the shortest pieces I've ever run into. Now surprisingly enough, this does seem to have some sense of a story, so that's a good sign.
It seems we've got this whole situation revolving around the death of this one person who judging by the dialogue here appears to perhaps be a student and the ones discussing things here appear to be friends or at the very least classmates considering that while these people appear to be intrigued and sort of shocked perhaps they aren't necessarily all that sad which suggests they weren't really all that close.
This and a few other details there especially on how this one person appears to be very certain this whole murder situation has to do with the school do create some interesting moments here, which is quite a lot of interesting moments for something as small as this one and for that I do have to say this is quite nicely done, its not too often that you get to see things being quite this detailed at such a small scale. However despite this being this interesting, a bit more description in general for the setting, for these characters, even the situation at large would be a good idea I think. The only situation where something this barebones yet interesting would work is if this was a bit of a prologue, which this one is not.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
[quote="winterbaby"]
"I don't care for Sarah all I about is Calvin" said Tiara.
this is wrong absolutely wrong you forgot to put all i care about "care is missing ! lol sorry for being a bit touchy but I'm bad at spelling but i cant stand it when somebody miss's words completely .
and when your wrote "what is someone at our school did it" is ,is supposed to be a if.
also when you said "sais Sam" sais is supposed to be said .
OK that clear things up a little bit Oh, and its absolutely to short to even be consider a feeble paragraph
review you latter :wink:
Oh, what am I to say?
Well, first, this isn't a story. I am sorry to break your heart. A story consists of a beginning, a middle, and an end. True, you say, "part one" but... even this is a bit too small for a part one. It's just a few lines of dialogue, not even enough to tell me what happened to cause the conflict, who the characters are, what about them... the beginning of a story has a lot of things it needs to do before you can move on to the rest of things.
As to the actual text here, you have a lot of grammar and spelling issues. Words missing all together, typos, and your grammar for dialogue is... missing. I suggest you read over what you post a few times before actually posting, so it is in the best possible condition.
Otherwise, all I can suggest is that you go to your local book store and pick out a book on writing. Spend a while reading it, understanding, and practicing. This is no insult to you or to your writing; you're young and still learning. When I was thirteen, I had no idea how to write either. Everyone starts somewhere, you know? I started where you are now, and so did many, many other people. ^_^ So don't take it the wrong way, I'm just giving you the advice that I wish someone would have given me earlier.
Best of luck, and if you have any questions about something, go right ahead and PM me.