Pirate, cyclopes.
That's what they called me.
Some of them still do.
Clumsy ole me.
It hurt then,
hurts now.
If it happened to you,
you'd be hurt too.
You can't change how you were born,
but you can change how you see.
Whether your blind in one eye or can glance around perfectly.
Learn to see with your inner eyes.
Look beyond appearances,
ask before you criticize.
Don't comment keep those stupid remarks inside.
This is my first reason why.
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Canary word: Present
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,830 Reviews
Hi there,
Wow, this was...wow. I really was touched by this. It was short and raw, and conveyed your message perfectly.
In my opinion, there's nothing to edit content wise- any other nitpicks have already been mentioned in earlier reviews, so I'll leave it at that.
Once again, awesome tone and style- I really enjoyed reading this!
Keep Writing,
-Briggsy
Hi there! I shall be your reviewer today
First, a suggestion for your title! I think it's strange that you used the plural since this is about someone with one eye, and I also think it doesn't give enough information or enough of a lure. Your title can be the difference between someone reading your poem or not. So! Maybe you could play with the word sight, hmmm. Possibly something like 'Sight alone' or 'Eye-Slight' that could be quite a fun pun, obviously playing on eye sight but... yeah. Anyway, on to the poem!
Line-By-Line
Overall
Okay so I'm not sure about your ending. You started a little slow, built to a good message in the middle and then the ending just sort of fizzled out for me. But I do think you've got something to work with here. You just need to work on imagery a bit more and find your persona's voice. There are inklings of it here and there, in the use of 'ole' but generally the words you've chosen are standard and it's hard to decide if your narrator is old or young, if he's meek or firm.
What I'd suggest is to squirrel this idea/ theme away somewhere and move forward, write other poems and learn a bit more about the way language works and the techniques you can use to aid you. Read some more poetry, that should help you understand it better, then you can return and give this another go or by then you might have come up with even better ideas.
Either way, I hope this has helped a little and I wish you luck. Feel free to pm me with questions and stuff!
Heather xxx
This has a gorgeous message! One in which we should all abide by, whether we're blessed with vision in both eyes, one eye, or no vision at all. After all, we are all human.
That being said, I do quite adore the fact that not only was the very personal and intimate to you, but it connected itself out in the end, giving way to the image that someone who is blind but is true and good can see better than someone with full sight who remarks and makes crude jokes to towards others.
Now, onto the critique.
You have a powerful message and an interesting way of intertwining it in. That being said, because of the fact that you have such a good understanding of what you wanted to get across, you need to be able to hone your skills so that the poem, in itself, will come across as being strong and powerful all the way through. You're proving a point with this. That being said, make sure you prove it.
What do I mean by this? Well, here's a few things that could be fixed up.
First off, give these very interesting, strong lines like;
These are strong. Really well rounded and to the point. That being said, you need to follow up with something equally strong, and if not that, at least something that will compliment it greatly. What you wrote was this;
You try very hard to make it rhyme. Why is that? Because of this line, the flow and rhythm get completely cut off. I understand the point you were trying to get across, but what you really should work on doing is making that point look and feel more poetic and more interesting to the reader. Structure and rhyming schemes will all come at a later date.
Which brings me to my next point, surprisingly enough.
You don't appear to care for stanza's or structure at all with this one. I was curious as to why you decided to space it out in the way you did. Was that for effects purposes? I like the idea of short and long lines together, if done tastefully, but why have spaces in between every line? Of course, this is where you could probably get away with the poetic license excuse. In any case, it kind of looks like you were trying to fill up space a little bit, whether that be the cause or not.
In any case, I liked this. I liked the message and I liked that you made this personal and very you instead of the basic 'don't make fun of each other, people!'. You made this unique, whether or not the subject matter is on the cliche side. So props to you!
~Walker
Ok, this is good, but I have some suggestions if you maybe want to build on it. First, I liked how you start with the nicknames. It was a good hook. And I like the overall message of it, that you shouldn't care what others think about how you look because you're just born that way. But you might want to just sort of weave the message through, instead of stating it outright. Also, you should try to balance out the number of syllables in each line to create better flow. But it's good the way it is, too. Keep writing, and I hope my review helps.
I absolutely loved this. It is short but completely fulfills your idea and emotion clearly. I can't see anything wrong with this to be honest you did rather well. Keep up the good work and I hope you get many helpful reviews. Soulkana<3