Published December 2, 2010
I'm watching you,
watching her,
watching her with those eager eyes,
beautiful eager eyes.
Because she is beautiful,
full of grace,
that angel face,
she is all i'll never be.
Your eyes they trace her face,
yet she stares the other way,
and still i sit here,
watching you ,
watching her,
watching her with those eager eyes.
She holds your heart in her fingertips,
i hope she doesn't slip and trip,
for your beautiful heart would break,
before my eyes.
She wears her wings around her neck,
unaware she stares the other way,
yet still i sit,
watching you,
watching her,
watching someone else.
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It was more than a good peice of work it was beautiful. You had put it together great with repitition, imagery, and irony. If your grammar was a little better than it would be perfect.
I think punctuation would help create a better rhythm in the poem, but the language and repetition added a great effect.
I love that poem!
Your writing is amazing.
I don't know why people MUST comment on punctuation!
But that was really beautiful.
I was wondering if that actually happened to you.
Well minus the angel.
Unless you saw an actual angel.
Sorry, I talk a lot.
What i mean is, where u really watching someone, who watching someone, who was also watching someone else, when you got your inspiration for this poem?
Again, I thought is was wonderful!
~JVM
Hello there and welcome to YWS!
I think the biggest turn off about your poem is the lack of punctuation. For that reason, it's hard to grasp any emotion, originality or captivating elements. You know, a full stop and a comma or whatever, can say a lot in a poem. Other than that, there is not much I can say. Just keep on writing.
I look forward to seeing more work by you.
PM me for anything.
Try to use punctuation with your stanzas, it gives the reader more of a feel how to read it. Also, correct your grammar (capitalization mostly). Other than that, great poem. I love the emotion put into it. Very well done.
Nice.
This like a love rectangle, right? You like someone that likes someone that likes someone else?..
( by " you" i mean the narrator)
Ohter than that, nice job! I like the whole watching you thing-thing.Good Job.