As the words were spoken I was hooked,
Every word
Every sentence
Every moment was being stored in my mind.
Hypnotizing me beyond her own recognition,
Unaware of the effect
Unaware of the attraction
Unaware of the possibility I dreamed of.
Completely positive spreading happiness everywhere,
Stunning smile
Stunning eyes
Stunning personality that shined through her appearance.
A feeling was developing inside me,
Wanting her
Wanting more time
Wanting to be with this person for whatever time possible.
Nerves grew as the moment of truth arrived,
I felt nervous
I felt anxious
I felt like the world was watching me tell her.
A simple touch of my hand sent sparks,
A simple sentence relieved me of the nerves,
A simple moment that would be just the beginning.
Her smile was now reflected by my smile,
Every word was special
Every sentence meant something
Every moment was being stored in my mind.
I continued falling for her without regard for anyone else,
She made me happy
She made me feel things I didn’t expect
She made me feel like finally something in my life was right.
Obstacles became a possibility,
Doubt on her mind
Doubt on her friends’ minds
Doubt was going to try and draw her away from me.
A chance is all I needed,
I wanted to make her happy
I wanted to be a reason she smiled
I wanted every moment possible with her.
She was now a priority to my mind,
When I was awake we spoke
When I slept she appeared in my dreams
When I needed something to make me happy she was on my mind.
A happiness I couldn’t even describe,
A happiness I didn’t want to let go of,
A happiness that was growing nonstop.
Did I care that it would come to an end,
Yes, I don’t want it to
Yes, I wish things were different
Yes, I am happy though so I can never walk away.
There is not a moment I would replace with her,
From the first time we watched a movie together
From the first time we kissed
From the first time I truly realized how much she means to me.
I can’t get enough of this girl,
A girl I just did not deserve
A girl I just wish to spend every moment with
A girl that is truly a goddess and has me obsessed.
Whenever I get to see her it is the best part of my day,
Being able to hold her
Being able to kiss her
Being able to just listen to her rambling stories puts a smile across my face.
She is mine,
A goddess amongst mortals
A goddess who I don’t deserve
A goddess who’s kiss took me from the dark to the light.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,796 Reviews
Hello William, and a two-week belated welcome to YWS!
Writing about love can cause a powerful effect. Many poems in this world are dedicated to love, lovers, and unrequited/mutual affection. Yet because of the large number of love poems, many of them end up quite general and not everything can leave an indelible mark on the reader's mind. What I really would love to see in a love poem is something that is unique in its own right, so that I can read it and say, "That is [insert poet's name]'s poem".
I know that the emotion is there. That's it's woven between the lines, already deep in its theme. But because so much of the statements are general (like "happy", "I feel"), the original strength of the emotion won't be as strong as I would have liked. I want to see the imagery and metaphor and characterization that will strengthen the theme. I do see something that is special in its own right: "A simple touch of my hand...", "Being able to just listen to her rambling stories...", the hypnosis idea.
Another thing I want to touch on is flow. I've noticed the repetition here, and to me, it hampers the flow. The lack of punctuation amidst the repetition is a part of it, I think. I would have liked to see a smoother flow from idea to idea, line to line. Breaking it up into stanzas and smoothing out the transitions can definitely help the flow.
Overall, this could do with more imagery, something more unique, and some flow edits; but I'm enjoying some of the lines and ideas here.
So that's it! Remember to consider carefully before taking my advice (which could be very off), and to let me know if you have something to say!
Hey there williamk16, welcome to YWS!
Myjaspercat here to leave you a review.
Line-by-Line/Nit-Picks
Spoiler
Overview
Before I get into my own overview, I just wanted to say that I disagree with the previous reviewer. Let me show you what it is that I actually disagree with and why:
--LeutnantSchweinehund
So, for one, you did actually have rhythm in this piece. Yeah it didn't come out with a rhyme scheme or even, perfectly the same syllable lines. But it showed through with the groups of three lines that repeated the same opening. You had a set pattern that actually brought the rhythm to the work -even though it's not super noticeable, it's there.
The second thing I have to disagree with is the fact that even if there isn't rhythm at all, the piece is still perfectly fine to be written in the form of a poem. That's the whole point of free verse, to expand the view and the way you write so you can create something uniquely you. In fact, most free verse poems are typically written more like prose then poetry itself [that's also why there's such a thing called prose poetry -which is poetry that sticks more to the basic rules of prose then it does to the open rules of poems]
My point is, don't be discouraged. You're piece is actually fine being written in the form of a poem, and I find that it really captivated me [as your reader] and got all the emotions across that I'm pretty sure you wanted it to.
Anyway, let's get on with the rest of my review.
One main problem I did notice was the lack of stanzas. Right now, you have given us one large piece of text which can become very strenuous to the eyes and tedious to read. Just as well, like punctuation, stanzas show your readers where one idea ends and another begins. Now, I marked in the piece where I think you should have each stanza break -which was pretty consistent, after every fourth line. You totally don't have to keep it that way, but I think doing so is your best bet.
Second, this is one of the main things I think should be followed in both prose and poetry. If your line isn't the beginning of a new sentence, then you shouldn't capitalize it. Think about it this way, if you were to stick your poem into paragraphs, you wouldn't want to have randomly capitalized words would you. Now apply that reasoning here. I do think; on a side note, that your punctuation fit and was pretty good. I don't think I made any punctuation changes in the line-by-line but I could have, just make sure you read what I wrote in the line-by-line.
Final Thoughts
Ok so other then that, I think that's all I got. You have a really nice piece here and I really enjoyed reading it. If you have any questions please feel free to ask. Good luck and continue writing.
I'm not too great at reviewing poems, so I'll just comment with a few opinions and tips.
The topic, while very common, wasn't really handled all that badly. You mentioned the anxiety that comes with the initial approach. I appreciate that. It made it far more relatable, especially for me, someone who's insanely anxious in these scenarios.
Anyway, I've said this to many poem writers, and I'll say it to you as well. Your work seems far more deserving of being written in prose. You didn't really establish a rhythm to the poem, and even though it's free verse, I don't really see a point in making it a poem at all!
Rhythm is so important in a poem. If it doesn't flow well, it's prose in lines. It seems many people neglect it. One part of rhythm seems to be keeping words of similar length on a line, preferably with the same number of syllables. It gives it a sense of rhythm, and makes it more enjoyable to read.
I know it isn't my place to tell you how you should write, but it might be interesting for you to rewrite it in prose, in a narrative style, and see what you could make. Prose can give you more space for details, and in my opinion, while extremely skilled poets make amazing work, it's easier to put your feelings into prose.
What I also liked is how, near the end, you touched upon the issue of glorification. With the lines "A goddess amongst mortals" and "A goddess whom (I think it should be whom in this case) I don't deserve," you show how many relationships crash and burn. One party puts the other upon a pedestal, becomes dependent on them, and that's just a recipe for disaster.
I like that. It adds a certain subtlety to your work. A cynical aftertaste, knowing what you described cannot possibly last because of those last few lines.