Young Writers Society

As the words were spoken I was hooked, I would change 'was' to 'became'
Every word
Every sentence
Every moment was being stored in my mind. [start a new stanza here]
Hypnotizing me beyond her own recognition,
Unaware of the effect
Unaware of the attraction
Unaware of the possibility I dreamed of. [Start a new stanza here]
Completely positive [comma] spreading happiness everywhere,
Stunning smile
Stunning eyes
Stunning personality that shined through her appearance. I see what you're trying to do here, and I love the repetition of threes but I really think there needs to be an 'a' at the beginning of this line. That or you should work on rewording this a bit. [start a new stanza]
A feeling was developing inside me,
Wanting her
Wanting more time
Wanting to be with this person for whatever time possible. [start a new stanza]Second thing here, you used the word 'time' twice. It just reads a little to repetitive. I think you could do without the first 'time'
Nerves grew as the moment of truth arrived,
I felt nervous Just like the whole time thing, you just used the word 'nervous' so you should find a different word to replace 'nervous'
I felt anxious
I felt like the world was watching me tell her. [start a new stanza]
A simple touch of my hand sent sparks,
A simple sentence relieved me of the nerves,
A simple moment that would be just the beginning. I don't know if you realized this, but with these three lines you swerved from the format that you have. What I mean by this is that I've noticed that you have one line before you repeat the beginning of the line for the next three. If that makes sense. But here you jus have the three repeating lines. Did you do this stylistically or was it just a coincidence? [start a new stanza]
Her smile was now reflected by [mine] my smile,
Every word was special
Every sentence meant something
Every moment was being stored in my mind. [start a new stanza]
I continued falling for her without regard for anyone else, I like this image.
She made me happy
She made me feel things I didn’t expect
She made me feel like finally something in my life was right. [start a new stanza]
Obstacles became a possibility, I would change this a bit if I were you. You say that obstacles were a possibility, but then you give us obstacles in the form of doubt. So I'd say that obstacles were more then just a possibility.
Doubt on her mind
Doubt on her friends’ minds
Doubt was going to try and draw her away from me. [start a new stanza]
A chance is all I needed,
I wanted to make her happy
I wanted to be a reason she smiled Hmm, that's interesting. Typically when people feel this way, they want to be 'the' reason that someone they love smiles not just 'a' reason. I like it. I think it's different, good job.
I wanted every moment possible with her. [start a new stanza] Ok, this line is starting to become a little to repetitive.
She was now a priority to [in] my mind,
When I was awake we spoke
When I slept she appeared in my dreams
When I needed something to make me happy she was on my mind. [start a new stanza] Since you started off this cycle with saying how she was a priority in your mind, I think it would flow better if you changed "she was on my mind" to "she was there"
A happiness I couldn’t even describe,
A happiness I didn’t want to let go of,
A happiness that was growing nonstop. [start a new stanza] Ok, so now I'm starting to feel like this little difference is intentional since this is the second time I watched you break the pattern of your writing. I think it's a clever way to make it fresher while still sticking to the overall emotions of the piece.
Did I care that it would come to an end,
Yes, I don’t want it to
Yes, I wish things were different
Yes, I am happy though[comma] so I can never walk away. [start a new stanza] Hmm, the transition of your narrator being in love to it ending is a little fast. Or I could totally be reading this wrong.
There is not a moment I would replace with her,
From the first time we watched a movie together
From the first time we kissed
From the first time I truly realized how much she means to me. [start a new stanza] The sound of this "stanza" doesn't seem to fit the others.
I can’t get enough of this girl,
A girl I just did not deserve I would switch 'did' with 'do'
A girl I just wish to spend every moment with
A girl that is truly a goddess and has me obsessed. [start a new stanza] I like this ending image here. I think it fits your character pretty well.
Whenever I get to see her it is the best part of my day, I think it would be better for your flow if you combined "it is" to make "it's"
Being able to hold her
Being able to kiss her
Being able to just listen to her rambling stories [always] puts a smile across my face. [start a new stanza] I would suggest changing "across" to "on"
She is mine,
A goddess amongst mortals
A goddess who I don’t deserve
A goddess who’s kiss took [brought] me from the dark to the light.