I call out to the people beside me,
My voice is drowned out by the boats engine,
Bullets whistle past,
I am scared,
I try to hide it but it is no use,
The beach comes closer,
10 seconds till we make it a shore,
Are these my final ten,
The front door opens forward my fellow comrades charge forward,
I realise that i am the last one off,
I sprint forward straight at the machine guns,
As I get closer I can see the poor man,
He is just a teenager he holds down the trigger,
I see a lone tear run down his cheek,
War is evil,
Its splits communities it takes lives,
This is not normal men killing one another,
This is what war does,
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,008 Literary Works • 672,827 Reviews
Hey! This poem has potential. There are a few niggly little things, though - in the fourth line you say "I am scared," and this is very blunt. I think you could let the reader know that you are scared by giving some description, rather than saying it outright. For example hands shaking, sweating, wide eyes, etc, would all let the reader know the person is scared, and would be a more interesting way of saying it. The last line also looks unfinished, partly because it ends with a comma and not a full stop, and partly because I thought you could elaborate on that thought a little more. I think it's good that you wrote it in present tense because it makes it sound more urgent and exciting. A few tweaks could make it even better.
The last two lines don't sound right, it's just the word "normal" I think before"men" it should be something like, "This is not 'just' men killing one another," or a different word can be used. You can try it.
I think this is great how it has to do with war and how you share your emotions deeply about people in fear...not that it's great that you talk about fear of death...errr The poem was overall excellent. This was good, Keep writing Wiggy!
~Sky