Do forgive the spelling in Romeo and Juliet because I tried to find one of the screen play that I used the first time and it did not work out for me! So it is a different one and if they seem different from the original text of what it is supposed to be in Shakespearean. That is why the spacing does not match and it would not fix on its own. Sorry guys!
The candle’s light seemed to flicker with excitement as the mother and her child sit down upon the bed. The mother gently picks up the candle with grace, the fire dancing in the wind as it was a festival. As the candle was set on the table next to the mother and her child, the mother opened a book on the bed. Thus the mother began the story of two lovers.
“Two households, both alike in dignity
From ancient grudge break new mutiny,
Where civil blood makes civil hands unclean.
From forth the fatal loins of these two foes
A pair of star-crossed lovers take their life,
Whose misadventured piteous overthrows
Doth with their death bury their parents’ strife
The fearful passage of their death- marked love
And the continuance of their parents’ rage,
Which, but their children’s end, naught could remove,
Is now the two hours’ traffic of our stage --
The which, if you with patient ears attend,
What here shall miss, our toil shall strive to mend.”
As the story has begun, the flame of the candle flickers with excitement as the story continues. The mother and her child get comfortable in their bed, awaiting for the story to take it’s course. The flame flickers faster and faster, almost like a heartbeat, the mother continues the story.
“JULIET
Good pilgrim, you do wrong your hand too much, which mannerly devotion shows in this, For saints have hands that pilgrims' hands do touch, statues of saints and palm to palm is holy palmers' kiss. shaking hands, pilgrims'
ROMEO
Have not saints lips, and holy palmers too?
JULIET
Ay, pilgrim, lips that they must use in prayer.
ROMEO
O, then dear saint, let lips do what hands do; They pray: Grant2 thou, lest faith turn to despair.
JULIET
Saints do not move, though grant for prayers' sake.
ROMEO
Then move not while my prayer's effect I take. [kisses her] Thus from my lips, by thine, my sin is purged.
JULIET
Then have my lips the sin that they have took.
ROMEO
Sin from my lips? O, trespass sweetly urged!
Give me my sin again.”
Soothing as the story read from the mother’s lips, the flame stopped bouncing around. It was calm and smooth, listening to the story of two lover’s with fate untold. The child's eyes slowly close as the story continued on it’s path.
“TYBALT
I am for you.
ROMEO
Gentle Mercutio, put thy rapier up!
MERCUTIO
Come, sir, your passado!
[They fight]
ROMEO
Draw, Benvolio, beat down their weapons! Gentlemen, for shame, forbear this outrage! Tybalt! Mercutio! The Prince expressly hath Forbidden bandying5 in Verona streets! Hold, Tybalt! Good Mercutio! [draws and tries to disarm them]
[Tybalt stabs Mercutio]
MERCUTIO
I am hurt. A plague o' both houses! I am sped. Is he gone and hath nothing?
BENVOLIO
What, art thou hurt?
MERCUTIO Ay, ay, a scratch, a scratch. Marry, 'tis enough. Where is my page?—Go, villein, fetch a surgeon!
ROMEO Courage, man, the hurt cannot be much.”
The death of Mercutio caused great pain in the candle’s self beating heart. The tears of wax slowly slid down it’s long stalk. The tears of the candle were hot, almost like a burning passion left with them. Making a pool at the candles feet. As the wax began to pour faster, the story continued on its dangerous
path.
JULIET
Go, get thee hence, for I will not away.
[Exit FRIAR LAURENCE]
What's here? a cup, closed in my true love's hand?
Poison, I see, hath been his timeless end:
O churl! drunk all, and left no friendly drop
To help me after? I will kiss thy lips;
Haply some poison yet doth hang on them,
To make die with a restorative.
[Kisses him]
Thy lips are warm.
FIRST WATCHMAN
[Within] Lead, boy: which way?
JULIET
Yea, noise? then I'll be brief. O happy dagger!
[Snatching ROMEO's dagger]
This is thy sheath;
[Stabs herself]
there rust, and let me die.
[Falls on ROMEO's body, and dies]
As the story soon unraveled itself, the candle was now a small piece of wax. It had fallen short of what or who it used to be. The flame barely flickering at its wick, nothing more could come from it. As the child was now put in bed, the child’s mother now closing and finishing the book they read together. All the candle could do now is sleep. Sleep ’til the next night it should be needed again for another story.
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hello
I have arrived as promised!
I enjoyed reading this; it was something new to incorporate an object such as a candle throughout the story to keep it going, and show the emotions evoked by what they were reading with a candle. I think it was creative how you did this.
My main problem with this piece of writing was that it was 25% your own writing, and 75% the story of the Romeo and Juliet. And because the story of Romeo and Juliet wasn’t exactly altered in any way to make it new or unique, I felt like there was too much copying going on here. If I were you, would I perhaps change the original story. Edit it, make it you your own. Have a poem of yours that displays a slightly different story as the prologue, and shape the two characters around it. Otherwise this is too much copying and something I’ve already seen before.
Or, if you would like to stick to the original play, narrow down how much you use from it to quotes from one speaker at a time, only choosing the most important quotes. Then, you can add in more of a story. If you do this perhaps you should focus more on the people. Tell us a bit more about them – names and background. You could even show the background by explaining why each quote matters so much to the mother, or her child and how the story effects them. Maybe to the child it’s more a sense of magic than anything. Or maybe the mother lost a husband the story brings her back to the sweet love they used to have. And you could also still keep the candle in it, because those parts were good. It would only liven up the story more, add in variation and less or a been-there-done-that-already feel to it.
I think you can see my problem with this already. Although there is a sentence in between these two, it was still very clear that the ‘upon the bed’ was repeated twice (at least, very closely the same). My advice is to cut the second one because it’s unnecessary. We already know they are on a bed from the first sentence. Also later on they are getting settle inside the sheets, so they would probably have it in their hands or on their lap anyways.
Mostly the same thing here – the story is repeated twice in the same line. My advice would be to keep the meaning the same and change the wording. Something like ‘the tale begins and the flame of the candle… etc.’
*gets nervous* I don’t feel like I should be one to correct Shakespeare because this was in the play bit, but shouldn’t that be villain?
This is a minor thing but I noticed it quite a bit amongst the play writing… why are there random numbers scattered in it? They need to be cut because as far as I see, they share no proper intent.
It seemed like a gracious and sweet ending. My only problem with it, is that you said the candle was melting, getting smaller and smaller and losing its layers. So why would it be needed again tomorrow? You create the impression that it’s too small for that. More likely is that tomorrow it will be replaced. More of an appropriate ending (based on what you’ve said here) would be:
All the candle could do now is wait. Wait ‘til the next night where it would be replaced by another, to start another story.
You could also slip in some nice symbolism that way of how each person is different, with their own story
Deanie x
Hello whitewolf! I have to say this was a very interesting way to rewrite a story as old as time. I like the way the story unfolds, and gives things a personality. It kind of reminded me of the book 13 reasons why. That being said, There was one thing that I thought you could more of is the little girls thoughts and perspective. I think that there should have been one or two more thoughts from the little girl. I think you could spin this into a much larger short story that I'd gladly read, though you need to have that balance between story and the girl's thoughts. It's fine to have one paragraph or two focused entirely on story, or one or two paragraphs focused on the little girls thoughts to break from the story. It's all about finding that balance:)
Actually... The girl is not my main character. The character is the candle. That is why the thoughts are processed as well as it should be. You know what I mean? The child and the mother are just two other sub-characters within the story. See what I mean?
In which case I think you should write those paragraphs in a first person POV from the candle because I thought it was the little girl thinking about the candle.
Oh no xD ha- I will think about it. I like writing it this way but I will add the detail of the candle's thoughts and what not. This is the first time I have written a story like this so. Thank you!
Wow, I don't know where to start. The concept, I can't deny, is really interesting and has alot of potential. I like the personification and the overall idea of it. Umm, I know you said you couldn't find a grammar-correct version, but a quick search via my iPad pulled this up-----http://shakespeare.mit.edu/romeo_juliet/full.html.
I feel like your representation was clumsy---the bold set and the way you used [ ]'s to symbolize action within the story, for example. I would've preferred it if you had paused the woman's narrating and portrayed her talking about the action that occured.
Errrm, what else, what else .. The italics for the candle's POV didn't do it for me, nor did the poor control of grammar, spelling, and word order. Plus the flow of the sentences was, for lack of a better word, not very good.
The beginning wasn't so bad, but I felt like as things progressed, there was a declination, and I get the feeling that even if you cleaned up the grammar errors and fixed the flow, this piece wouldn't be much more than a cutesy but bland, insignificant story.
When I was reading it, I didn't feel like you were saying anything, you know?
Try again. Do better, because I know you can. Add another element, be bold with your words.
~
At the beginning for what I said, I said it because I couldn't find the same website I used. that is why the spacing is different. It is supposed to be like it was spoken a lot time ago. Though I don't agree with you at all through the rest of the comments, thank you for your time.