~Based on Leona Lewis' song, Light Up.~
Light up, run.
All they can do
is catch you.
Joints burning,
sky blazing,
you look into
the setting sun.
Cop cars surrounding,
heart beating,
time is up,
time to run.
Feet hit pavement,
voices strain,
you turn to see them.
Light up, run.
All they can do
is catch you.
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Thanks for the reviews. Okay, I seem to be reallt bad at putting a point accross. The word 'joints' (originally, 'joint') is marijuana. Not a burger joint. And it IS based on a song, so thats why it may sound lyric-y.
Again thenks for the reviews.
~~~Biffle
Time for this review you requested!
So...overall, I like the IDEA behind the poem - a criminal running away from the police after having committed a crime (which may or may not be arson - I also can't tell from the way you've written 'joints burning'). This is new, and fresh and so innovative. It's not often we get to read poems about the antihero that glorify their actions and try to excite us.
However, the manner (as opposed to the matter, which I've addressed above) fell flat because of the repeated use of shorter lines, which would have made this more fitting for the 'lyrics' secion. I can actually imagine putting this to a tune with a guitar and singing it aloud - however, for poetic purposes, it tends not to work as well.
Let me explain further - we use shorter lines to make every line count for more, right? Shorter lines help to create that 'impact,' that immediate 'wow' feeling. But if you KEEP using shorter lines, they actually lose their impact, especially if the imagery is being really truncated in the process. Currently, the lines consist of mostly two or three words each (with a max of 4 or 5 words), and this actually makes the poem sound empty, lacking depth. You would achieve a far greater effect if you made some of the lines longer and in doing so expanded on an idea or an image.
This was not the most interesting beginning for an escapade of this sort. I've already said I LOVED the idea behind it - but from the first few lines, I wondered whether I was reading lyrics or an actual poem. You don't want to confuse your reader like that. Plus the 'All they can do is catch you' part is a little...cliche; truth be told, it reminded me of the gingerbread man first time round. That is too snuggly an image to even hint at! For the idea of a criminal burning a place down to be plausible, we have to be given more details about it. The vague 'Light up, run' sounds cool, but doesn't stand up to much thought - it doesn't make me want to 'light up and run'.
Expand on each of the ideas a lot more. 'Sky blazing' is also lovely, but it has less of an impact, since we find it harder to imagine. Expand on this, like: 'the sky blazes, fleeing from the slash of red that swallows its edges' - I'm sure you can do much better
There was very little imagination here - the language is all literal, and sounds like lyrics, again. Personify some of the action. Throw in a metaphor or two. Liven it up a bit more.
Not the strongest ending, either - leaving the character running like crazy, and it makes it sound as if he's not really sure where he's running to. For a cleaner finish, I'd say think about a whole, overall story. Ground it more - details are your friends - put in the who, what, where, when, why, how; or at least plan them out and subtly incorporate them into the story behind the poem. A poem tends to function better when it's got something tethering it down and making it more real, and if you describe the sequence of events in a logical fashion, it can only enhance the impact you are going for.
I hope that has helped, and feel free to PM me with further questions if you need to.
Oh, and, just one last thing: toss it in the 'lyrics' section and see what the critics there think!
It's a nice poem, but I feel like it's only a part of something bigger. Maybe that's my love for precision talking, but it seems to me like there could be more context, even just a few words, on the why or the how or the when.
Here, the way you go from body/sky to sky is a bit awkward: the first two lines are directly linked, 'joints' and 'sky', but then you come back to the 'you' before going back to the 'sun', which is almost like you're backtracking. I'd say just change 'sky blazing' into something related to the effort that's occurring.
Also, "Cop cars surrounding," is a sentence fragment, and looks very lonely there with nothing around it to support it.
Nice, Biffle. Sorry I'm not a great poet but here's what I have to say. It's pretty good, but since I'm not big on poetry, I'm not sure it's up to me to say it. I like what it's about, and how each line is so short and doesn't waste my time. In other words, I like it! Good job
Hey there Biffle. I am crap at poetry, so if this review isn't helpful I'm sorry. xP
I like that it's about a criminal, and I like the way you phrase it. Honestly, I like this poem. I just have one nitpick - the whole joint burning. I kind of stumbled there because I thought at first it was a burger joint or something. >>" Maybe turn it into joints burning? 0o
So yes, that is honestly all I have to say. I'm sorry it's short. >>"
Sincerely,
Kara