Published June 23, 2010
Everything was bright. The walls, the lights, the bed, the furniture. Everything. That wasn't me. I was the kind of 'screamo' music kid. Black hair, long sleeves. I would have smiled at that thought. Echoing emptiness would have filled my throat, my head.
I couldn't feel anything. That tube that everyone was stuck in, stripped people of their nerve endings, emotion. Until, of course, you turned fifteen.
That was seven years ago today.
*
Sound almost seems like a shout in my ears. The tube was opening. My eyes burst open. The light would have hurt, but the pain receptors weren't working. Yet.
People, at least what I thought were people, were above me. I'd guessed that when they put my brain into a 'iComa' the memory got some wear and tear.
"Give him some morphine, his pain receptors will be working ina second," a husky voice said.
"Kayle? Are you awake?" a female asked quietly. Aching claustrophobia settled in my brain. I'd felt like a giant in that tube.
"Mmmeh," was all I could force out.
"Good." she replied, a tone of taunting and secrecy rolling off her tongue.
Heavenly pain spread through my arm, up my neck, and into my brain; the source and small needle in my index finger on my left hand.
It kept going until it seemed to cover my whole body.
What had the nurse done?
Again, a taster to see what you think. x
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
142,057 Literary Works • 676,494 Reviews
Hiya, Biffle! Coco here as requested. Hope I don't disappoint!
Okay, here goes...
So, I'm confused by this sentence. Are you trying to say that the walls, the lights etc. isn't to your character's taste? If so, I think you should try and figure out a better way of phrasing the sentence. Maybe you could have something like: "so prim, so proper, and so not me..." Do you see how much better it sounds? Not only does it make more sense but by saying something like this your adding personality to your MC before you even describe them.
So, I was confused by this whole paragraph. One minute I thought your MC was in a bedroom or something, then your describing your MC and then you suddenly mention a tube?
You have some awkward sentences here that need to be looked at:
Try and re-phrase the first sentence, as for the second one, I think you should think of using more creative words than 'open' since you've mentioned the word twice.
Okay, so after reading this I'm getting the idea that your MC is being experimented in some sort of facility or lab, right? I think you should have made that a little clearer in the beginning since all you mentioned was a tube, which I didn't understand when I read it first. Also, what does the beginning description have to do with where your MC is now, because bright walls and furniture isn't something that I'd associate with science labs.
What you need to do is make things a little clearer for your reader. If your intention was to create a kind of suspense than you only have to mention several little hints in order to keep the suspense but still inform the reader so that they aren't confused. Maybe your character's eyes could slowly open and he could see a blurry image of doctors around him and the operating light blinding him, things like that...
I giggled reading that line. Were you trying to create comedy here, if you were it interrupts the tone of the piece, if you weren't trying to create comedy I'd suggest you take it out and put something else in it's place, maybe a "Wha-" or something.
I liked this line, this is the first time we're getting a hint of personality of the 'operator's' - I think you should play with this longer, maybe describe what the woman looked like and her facial expression when she's saying this - just to give your character's that extra intrigue and flavour.
So maybe it's just me, but to me, 'heavenly' and 'pain' shouldn't be used in the same sentence, I mean, how can pain be heavenly? Well, unless your MC has issues which I doubt he has
I like this ending, not many people are a fan of having questions at the end of a chapter but I think that, if used correctly, it adds an element of mystery and intrigue. Good job
So, I hope I didn't come across too mean, I apologise if I did. The thing is that I think this piece has a lot of potential, but at the same time it also has a lot of room for improvement.
What I'd recommend is that you go through this piece with a fine-tooth comb and ask yourself how you could make it more dramatic and more punchy. The best way is to get family members or friends to give some opinions. Another way is to make a proper plan of your story so that you can give your piece structure, consistency and fluidity so that it is easier for people to read, enjoy and understand.
Another thing I'd recommend is to explore your MC, right now we don't know much about him which is understandable as this is only a first chapter - I think there could have been more moments where you could describe how your character was feeling, maybe even hints of how he/she ended up here in the first place.
Like I said, I hope I wasn't too harsh. I really wish you carry on with this, I'd love to see you take this piece to the next level.
Please feel free to pm me if you have any questions and when you post up another chapter. I'll be more than happy to review again
Happy writing!
*coco
I like this! It kind of reminds me of Avatar (have you heard of that?) I want to see what happens next!