Published May 1, 2010
The blood on the trigger,
it must taste so good.
The blood on the trigger,
from his chest.
He stares at me,
dead, cold but breathing.
I must be crazy.
I pull the trigger again,
again, and again.
He gurgles and spits
on the white, hard floor.
The blood on the ground,
it must taste so good.
Heat washes its way
around my body, in my head.
A raise of an eyebrow,
a scream in the hallway.
They see me there,
sitting in a bath of blood.
Before they run at me,
before I die,
I look at the blood;
on the trigger,
on the floor,
all over me.
It smells so delicious.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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*EDITED*
Hey Ol! Well, it's a little on the short side, but that's okay, but you might want to try putting it into separate stanzas. It makes it easier to read, and lets you separate different ideas. So on with the review!
How is he dead, but still breathing? If this is some kind of weird mental thing going on with the narrator, then you need to make that clear.
Okay, if you're going to have a poem this short, with a sort of plot in it, it's not good to add it dialogue because it's just annoying. I don't know why it's his fault, and I don't really want to because it's a poem, not a story
I love the repetition here, and the slight change in it is awesome.
No. Just no. That's not how you're going to end it, is it? It's too bland, too boring, too straight forward. The poem itself is alright, not great, but alright and this just ruins it. It's a huge letdown, so change it okay?
Overall, very sick and twisted, I hope that's what you were going for because you definitely got it.
Anyway good luck, and keep writing!
Hello Biffle!
This was a good little poem. I liked the title, by the way. It is what made me want to read this in the first place. I did have a couple of issues with this though:
Saying again four times is overkill and it is also to the detriment of the rhythm somewhat. It would sound better if you lose one of the 'again's from the second line. This is just a suggestion, I just found it hard to get my tongue around this bit when I read it aloud.
Just a typo, easily fixed: 'ground' instead of 'groung'
I didn't like this line, it was too blunt and too obvious. Instead of stating that the voice of the poem tastes the blood why not describe to us and use imagery to get that idea across. It would take a little more work but a the moment I feel short-changed. I would like to know more
Other than these points I really enjoyed it. It was a very different sort of poem and that was nice from the usual cliche stuff. I love the repetition of 'trigger' and 'blood' throughout the poem, it keeps it moving nicely and ties it all together.
Well Done,
If you have any questions about what I have written then do not hesitate to PM me.
Keep Writing,
~Lydia