Published July 26, 2007
i see the pathetic girl
staring back at me from the mirror
i see her
i loath her
i hear her cry
yet i dont know what to say back
she weeps at night
with no one around
she thinks of nothing
but pulling the trigger
and falling to the ground
she hides her feelings
behind her painful smile
in this girls eyes
hell is all i see
yet from the mirror
she stares back at me
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140,588 Literary Works • 673,542 Reviews
Okay. First off this is a common theme so, if you wish to tackle it then may I suggest that you try to put a different twist to it. Right now it's just a skeleton, and you really need to add more, tune it up.
Okay. Well, if your aim was to make me pity you--you succeeded. Not in the way you probably intended, though.
Do what whence and something_euclidean suggest. And then don't pick up a pen for a very long time.
Also: read poetry. When you're learning to write poetry this is one of the most important things you can do. Read from different eras and styles; find what's constant about how people write poetry and what changes. See what interests you the most, what pulls you into a poem, what makes you want to read it again. From reading you'll get a sense of what's possible and what you should try to do in your own work.
Where to start....
Emotional Poetry
Punctuation.
Well then... I'd try writing in a way that lets readers relate to the characters or situations; that way, they'll actually care what's going on, and thus you'll get emotional responses.
Don't worry too much about the finesse until you've got the basics down, so for now, just focus on word selection and writing in a way to illicit feeling.
Augmentedly yours,
~Ed