You are who you pretend to be

This was so sweet! I like the uplifting message. Its really awesome that you were able to complete this in 15 minutes! Great job! I don't really see any mistakes that haven't been pointed out already, so no need to repeat what's already been said. I love it, keep writing!

~Jess

Hi wewinwelose,

This piece really resonates with the message of living a better life. I love the rhyme and the transition from each rhyme scheme is seamless as each stanza is read. I don't see any need to improve or alter anything here. It's definitely a winner, through and through. I like reading a poem which has a positive outlook instead of being drab and pessimistic. Fantastic stuff, this!
A job well done. Keep the ink flowing

Murtuza

Hi there!

So, I am HIGHLY impressed. You said this only took less than 15 minutes??? And it's got rhyme and meter??? THAT takes real talent. I want you to know that up front. I loved this. So so so brilliant.

Now, I'm gonna go through it line by line with my comments and suggestions.

You are who you pretend to be, I would replace the comma with a semicolon
The person that you desire to see,
When the mirror looks back at you. Comma instead of a period
When you stop to pay your dues. I'd say "AND when you stop to pay your dues." Fits better grammatically and with the meter.

And Looking at myself I see,
So much more than was meant for me. Personally, I think it would sound better with "what" between "than" and "was." But that's just a suggestion.
I see joy and I see pain, Period here instead of comma.
I see sunshine, I see rain.

I see happiness, and sadness alike,
I see a life, almost perfect, but not quite. The meter's a LITTLE bit off here... read it out loud and see what works best, if you want to change it.
I see things not meant for my life,
And then I look at the torrents of strife.

Born under a lucky star,
A silver spoon to take me far.
A past wrecked by pain and distress, You might be looking for the word "wracked" here (basically means tortured). It fits better in context, I think. People get wrecked and wracked mixed up all the time.
Childhood taken by abuse and neglect. Start the line "A childhood," perhaps? It's up to you.

But Looking at myself I see, Uncapitalize "looking"
Underneath it all, I can be free.
Because you become who you pretend to be
And I for one, will pretend I’m happy. Beautiful!!

I’ve outgrown my stress and hate
I’ve taken up my rightful place
I’ve begun forgetting, forget forgiving Oof.... grammar here. Try "I've begun to forget, forgotten forgiving." Forgiveness works better, but for the sake of rhyming, we can make that sacrifice.
And I present myself, a new beginning. Not sure I would put a comma in this line.

Because you are who you pretend to be,
And I will pretend that I am happy,
Till a day comes when I don’t have to fake
And then, my life, it shall be great. Good ending! I would re-think the wording though. It feels awkward right now. An idea: "And then my life will finally be great."

Very nice. I really enjoyed it. For a 15 minute poem, this is very very well written!

I really do like this poem. It's very deep and has a lot of meaning to it.
I also like the fact that people could interpret this in many different ways, to make it fit into their own life and their own problems that may be going through.
I see no flaws with this poem at all and I think that it's a great lyric poem, a nice little tune could easily go to this.
I also think that due to the amount of time you wrote it in, it's mostly just your own thoughts, which make it even deeper and personal to you.
Good job.
-Kadi