Published January 23, 2011
This is a first draft that I wrote in about ten minutes, so be harsh, cause it needs a lot of work I'm sure.....
I'll pick up my weapons,
You pick up you're bow.
I'll bring the power
would you bring the show?
We'll take you down,
tear you apart.
We'll start with your weakest
then go straight for your heart.
You told us we were worthless
so now you shall see,
just what happens,
when you discard an army.
We will fight this war,
and I promise we'll win
and you'll know for sure
not to leave us again.
You know how you hurt us,
how you tore us apart.
We loved you to death
right from the start.
Yes you know what you did,
even if you won't admit,
but I promise you'll know,
not to do it again.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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Besides the thing that Kafkaescence pointed out i like how you didn't directly say what the poem was speaking about. it made the poem that more interesting. and when you spoke of weapons you made love sound exactly as it should...a war!
This is very good. Not a bad start for a poem. Really, there is actually very little I can say about this regarding improvement on this. It’s not a bad draft, so it sounds like the finished work is going to be amazing.
One thing, you probably should consider adding another stanza between the two already existing stanzas that you have, just to stretch out the tension a bit more (there is tension in the last stanza and the most powerful and hard hitting one of the poem, so you’d wanna deliver like a gutter punch or climax to the person who’s reading this).
Apart from that, a very good job of this all round. Well done and keep writing. And I hope we will be able to see the finished work soon!
I love this! I don't like the poetry that's so in depth you can't understand it, so this is perfect! Possibly using more descriptive words at points would be good, but I know that can be hard with rhyming. Well, overall I'd say the poems pretty good, considering you wrote it in ten minutes! Good job.
P.S. I liked how you chose to say weapons and bow at the start, instead of two different kinds of guns. But I also think instead of weapons you could've said sword, because sword goes better with bow than weapons.
Hi wewinwelose,
This was a really good poem! I think the wording was really great. Um, things you need to work on? The rhyming scheme. It's good, but it makes the poem feel a bit too happy, I think perhaps it should feel a little less joyful. And the last few lines at the end, really break the rhyming scheme. So find something more serious in the rhyming scheme.
Otherwise, I thought it flowed nicely. Best wishes for future writing!
RedLeaf
Ohthathurt. Even if you wrote this quickly, it's always a good idea to proofread your work before posting it up. It saves the reviewers time and frustration as they won't spend a lot of it pointing out basic spelling and/or grammar mistakes and can instead focus on improving the work as a whole.
Now, that said, the punctuation really distracted me here as it seemed quite inconsistent. Poetry follows the same general guides as regular writing with regards to grammar and punctuation, and unless you know exactly what you're doing, it's best to adhere to these guidelines.
Another thing you need to watch out for is your meter. Right now, it is a bit inconsistent, with some lines being longer than others and having completely different patterns of syllable stress. With rhyming poems in particular, having a consistent meter, with rhyming lines of equal length and a fairly regular pattern of stress, is very important. Without such a regular rhythm, rhyming poems tend to fall flat, sounding unnatural and/or wrong.
So proofread your work more closely, fix up the punctuation, and try to even out your meter.
This is a great poem. You wrote this in ten minutes? Wow. I wish I had your skills
-Kafka