Very confusing first draft, I KNOW it's confusing, but if you can follow it you'll know what it means.
I wish it was as simple as 1,2,3
I wish it was as easy as A, B, C
I wish I could choose so easily
But life seems to hate you and me
I want you as mine
That'd be just fine
But the world is bent
On makin us cry
I can't see your pretty face
Without some form of extreme disgrace
You know what I say?
I say fuck this place
Fuck the world today
And you and know what?
I wish it was as simple as A B C
I wish It was as easy as 1,2,3
But life seems to hate you and me
And I can't chose this easily
How can I leave
My whole world behind?
I'd have to decieve
All my own kind
And I can't hurt
The ones I love
Even if it means
Giving up
On us
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,016 Literary Works • 672,852 Reviews
Hey,
this was really good. Great job with the rhyming! I can never make my poems rhyme.And I didn't think it was confusing at all. I feel like "Fuck the world today" seems lke it doesn't fit. Other than that it was great!
Hi,
this was so good (: I loved your rhyming scheme and it flowed nicely
so I would say job well done (:
Hey I'm Amie and I'll be your reviewer today
Absolutely love the ending, so poignant and perfect for this piece! And I'm sure it's relevant to a lot of people.
Firstly, well done with the rhyming
"Without some form of extreme disgrace" feels too convoluted to me whereas most of the rest flows easily - that fact alone makes this line stand out to me. I know you're restricted because of the rhyming but I'm not sure if there's a better word you could use in place of disgrace, it just doesn't feel right to me and isn't painting the picture I think you want it to. In my eyes I'm expecting (her?) face to be more sad as opposed to disgraced...? Just a thought.
"Fuck the world today" I keep reading it over and this line isn't sitting right to me, it seems out of place even though it's not. If that makes any sense? Again, it stops the flow. I just think there's a better line to go here.
"And you and know what?" - And you know what?
Good work, keep writing!