i've posted this before but i didnt get a reliable answer
I called and then again i tried
until the moon grew full i cried
couldnt move
couldnt speak
fell to the ground
for i was weak
pulled a gun
from the drawer
stood up
and fell back down to the floor
my life was lost
my hopes restored
my love at last
and the pain of death adored
and now the gates of hell are opened
and there i sit
for eternity
gun in my hand
bullet in my head
and a smile on my face
that i was finally dead
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125,016 Literary Works • 672,852 Reviews
Heylooo.
So, depressing poem! It's well written though (although the fact that you didn't capitalise your I's made it seemed more rushed and less professional; change ca!) and interesting to read. I enjoyed it in a sick sort of way.
Floor and drawer don't sound right together. They almost rhyme but don't. And the line where the narrator is falling on the floor is tooooooo long, me thinkies.
Je ne comprende pas! So, he/she is dead, but is hopeful... and her love is at last...what? What is her love? Am I being really stupid?
definitely the best bit, and an excellent ending. Although the last line was a bit... odd. maybe change the wording, "For I was finally dead," or just, "I was finally dead." Either of those, I think, would be better.
xxxx
Creepy! Very macrabe, as well. I'd suggest a rating of pg-thirteen. Also, as a heads up, if you write some lame-o post on your own story such as 'oh well, no reviews yet,' it will come up under the forum on the front page again. No need to use up those precious points that you'd otherwise have spent....
It took me a while to figure that one out, too. Now, as for the poem... First, put in the freaking darn punctuation!!! I can't stand reading it if it isn't punctuated. As in, the apostrophes in the contractions and such. It drives me nuts! Second: the phrasing is pretty awkward. Tell more of the situation, make us love this character and be sad that they died at their own hand. I want more. I don't really love suicide poems just because of the grim and cliche nature, but they can be written in ways that are very interesting. So work on it. It has potential.
Cheers!
--Voxina
Hi there!
I agree with everything above, but I definitely loved this!
But I am a grammar freak so to improve your poem, your grammar must be correct 8not only to me, but in general, it's best if you don't have any mistakes).
It really does has great potential but you could work it up, and make it a great poem!
So, review this and then PM please!
Keep writing!
- Kat
I hope mine is reliable enough.
First off, I'm correcting all your grammar in bold.
Okay. Grammar usually seems pretty trivial, especially in poetry where the rules aren't clearly defined, but there are basic things you need. Anyway, now that's out of the way, I'm moving on.
First of all, I have no idea what this poem is about. I mean, I know it's about suicide, but why is this person killing themself? In the first line, it says, "I called again..." but you never follow up on that.Called who? why? What happened to push them over the edge? Is the suicide just an impulse or was it inevitable? You need elaborate.
Second, this poem does effectively TELL us exactly the narrator did to kill themself, but it does not offer any kind of insight as to why (as I mentioned above) or give readers a peek inside the person's head. No one is thinking rationally when they do this to themselves, so you can't just say "I got my gun and shot myself." Show us how this happened, and why, and what led to it, and what the person was thinking.
This has good potential, but right now, it's just okay. Give us some emotion and insight and it will be wonderful. And don't hesitate to PM me if you need any more help.