I looked around again, wondering why all this was happening. Hoping that this is all some sort of sick dream. It had only been a month since that horrific day, but I knew that those god forsaken memories would stay, forced to an eternity in my mind. How could they be gone? The question raced through my head like a swarm of Africanized bees. I stumbled down the stairs, listening to the echoe of my footsteps in this deadly silent house, still trying in vain to hold back the memories, those damn memories. I said goodbye to life as I knew it and walked outside, into the darkness, into the unknown. To face reality, in all its heartless glory.
As if they were beckoning me, the car’s headlights gleamed through the darkness like the glow of a
light house. The only difference being that I would have gladly crashed into the rocks before I followed
it. But there was no chance of escape from those lights, the car was my future. So I got
in, dreading the inevitable chat I’d get with the driver, oh how I dreaded it. I opened the door and got
in with deliberate, lackadaisical movements, sporting a solemn look, signaling to the driver that there
was no chance of conversation.
“You ok,” they asked, I guess they didn’t take the hint.
Who would be “Yes,” I murmured
“You know, it doesn’t do ya any good to bottle things up.”
Like you know anything “I’m not” I snapped.
“Listen, you’ve been through a lot, but if you don’t talk about it with someone you’ll end up all
messed up.”
Damn, do you ever shut up? “Ok I’ll keep that in mind Gramma.”
“No you won’t, just remember you’re not alone.” She moved restlessly in her seat, “We’ve all
suffered a loss. They were great people.”
Something came from deep inside of me; I knew there was no chance of holding back any longer. I broke down, going through bouts of hysterical tears, reliving that awful day. I continued on with my fit, trying to silence my sobs so I wouldn’t be over heard by the driver. Too late. “I know its hard honey, but we’ll get through this,” the driver said, acting as if she had gone through what I did, the bitch; she hadn’t seen my parents die; she hadn’t heard my mother’s final, painful words; she wasn’t there, she never would be. I was alone, from that day on, I was alone. They were good people,
my parents, but they’re gone now.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Wessie,
Hello! How are you on this ever so warm autumn day? Anyway, before I review your piece, something very important. Very, very important. The 2:1 ratio.
See, before you can post anything at all of yours, you have to write a critique for two other people. As for the next, as for the next. So, for every one piece of yours that you post, you HAVE to critique two others. ^^ You do that, then.
Quote:
The question raced through my head like a swarm of Africanized bees.
Very nice sentence.
Quote:
I stumbled down the stairs, listening to the echoe
Echo.
Quote:
The only difference being that I would have gladly crashed into the rocks before I followed
it.
This can’t stand as a separate sentence.
Quote:
But there was no chance of escape from those lights, the car was my future.
Run on. A run on is a sentence in which a comma can just as well be a period, and the two parts could be separate sentences without any modification.
Quote:
I opened the door and got
in with deliberate, lackadaisical movements,
Scary word.
Quote:
“You ok,” they asked,
“You ok?” they asked,
Quote:
Who would be
Hmm? Why’s that there?
Quote:
Like you know anything
Period.
Quote:
“Ok I’ll keep that in mind Gramma.”
Comma before :Gramma:
Quote:
She moved restlessly in her seat,
Period.
Quote:
heard by the driver. Too late. “I know its hard honey, but we’ll get through this,” the driver said,
Substitute with something that second “the driver”.
Quote:
my parents, but they’re gone now.
This is to last sentence, or no?
Okay, the beginning paragraph is cool. But what happens afterward (visually?) That looks scary… hmm.
As for other comments - this was a nice, short piece, though I don’t approve of the “b” word up there. It just seems out of place, you know? Looks odd, a bit.
Anyway, will you be continuing this? Remember about the review (:
Cheers,
Esme
I'm glad this is the start of something and you're definitely carrying on with it as it is really good...I'm nitpicking with my suggestions here but its up to you whether you take them on board!
Tense-wise, I don't think this fits in...just sounds odd and stands out against the tone of the rest of the piece
I would changed the word dead to "deadly" or maybe change it all together because its quite a cliched description to use....
I'd split this into two sentences and leave "To face reality, in all its heartless glory." as its own little statemet. It makes it sound more poignant.
Don't like the repetition of the word "light" here..
sorry there are no indentations, I wrote it with them, but they just wouldn't come up when i posted it. Oh ya, and this is just the beginning of a story I'm writing. More to come.