Young Writers Society

It was too simple for me. The story behind it is nice, but it doesn't have much poetics to it. What is the difference between this and story? It's in verse, thats all. Like Misty said, that little bit is all you really need. The rest of it is telling, and it's more personal for you than it is for the reader because we aren't in that situation, and you really locked the reader out from it. Consider new ways to express the feelings, through metaphors and imagery. Currently, this poem is just too plain, simple, and full of unnecessary things to be enjoyable.

Best of luck.

It seems a little bit plain, to me. It has a saddness that should be brought to life even more. It's pretty good, but could be better with less cliche, more dramatic appeal. Good luck!

I liked this. It flowed well and was very deep in emotions. I think some people could relate to this poem, and I think that is what makes a poem great.

You used two first great lines in first verse and they are sure to capture the readers attention, as it did mine.

It's quite a sad poem, and I admit I'm not an enormous fan of these kind, but I enjoyed reading this, and that is definately a first. So well done.

You had me thinking for some of this poem that the narrator had died which was pretty interesting. Then I got such a shock when I realised what had really happened. I thought that was cool.
I think this was quite a good idea but some bits of didn't seem very poetic, more prose-like. Such as:

So I tried to visit your side once or twice,
but you’d changed.
I found out you weren’t just on the other side,
but in a completely different world-
one all your own.

So I went back
and this time I stayed there,
not content, but willing to leave your world alone.
Though I’ll let you come back to ours, if you’ll try.

We got older, though-
not by a lot, but by enough.

So I tried to visit your side once or twice,
but you’d changed.
I found out you weren’t just on the other side,
but in a completely different world-
one all your own.
You smiled when you saw me,
but his hand was the one you held.
And I knew then-
that you’d changed.
That my best friend- the little girl of long ago,
that loved me and thought boys were gross-
didn’t want our world anymore.

So I went back
and this time I stayed there,
not content, but willing to leave your world alone.
Though I’ll let you come back to ours, if you’ll try.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

We had the world, you and I.
It was ours, our very own,
and we did with it what we wanted

We got older, though-
not by a lot, but enough.

Excellent!

"we didn’t mind;'"
That kind of stops the flow. Maybe put it in the next line, or maybe delete the "When" in the beginning of the sentence.

"it was I that went away"
A bit confusing. Set me off. Maybe, "And now I was going away"? Or "And now it was me that went away"?

"Though I’ll let you come back to ours, if you’ll try."
Um... change it? It kind of dispapoints me. Thinking..."Though I'll let you come back to ours, if you like
I want you to."
Something that ends with a bang! A metaphore, or something.

Okay, so for the chunky parts.

Nice. I liked the last half, but the first half seemed isolated. Maybe add some clues that it's about a friend growing up, leaving childhood, flying away from the nest...Add some spice to the first half. Maybe even add some spice to the second.

Also, you should work more on the originality. The way you show us your idea needs to be moving, inspiraitonal, entertaining, and extremely fresh in order for a poem to be the best. This one has potential. Make it have pizzazz!