A Life Like Them... ?

On a cold , crisp winter evening with the chilling breeze moving in soft circles , she is walking alone down the road with tears blinding her perfect brown eyes. She is not hungry and she throws her just-bought burger in the nearby garbage bin. She is holding a new book which she just bought from the street titled, "10 Ways To Suicide" .She clutches her thin coat closer to herself, as if to protect her not only form the shivering cold but from something else too, she moves as if in a trance, towards nothingness.

1.

The past two hours have been a blur...I rewind the events which led me to feel this much….upset ? No that won’t be the word..I feel like my soul has been ripped apart…Last Saturday, I was working at my desk as usual and I got so engrossed in my work that I did not notice my boss coming towards me with a cup of coffee in one hand." You work too hard Riya.”, he said. “Prateek is working overtime to pay our home loan as soon as he can so I thought I would also give him a hand by working overtime." I give a tight smile to Ashutosh, my boss. “Yeah, great give my regards to Prateek.” He says in a casual tone leaning down towards my desk and looking at me with a strange look. “Here’s your coffee, dear. Don't work too hard. And Good Night.” “Night”, I say."

Why does he make me so uncomfortable?? And deep down I know the answer , its because my female-spidey-sense tells me to stay away from him , plus many times I have caught him staring my ass or checking out my legs. Banishing such thoughts from my mind , I gulp down my coffee and stifle a yawn. Back to work, I say to myself.

I wake up disoriented. My head hurts and I check the time, its 8 in the morning. I am warm in my bed and Prateek is sitting and working on his laptop. "Are you okay, Riya?” he asks looking like my mom as if I have fallen ill, his black eyes and his taut face are filled with genuine concern . "Um...yes" I mean I think so, I am feeling a bit exhausted and I feel different other than that I am good. But, I won't tell him this otherwise he will fret." What happened? “, I ask.

"You blacked out yesterday in the office, I guess you were tired or something. I must have called you approx 50 times but you didn't answer. I was about leave for your office when Ashutosh came and told me that you had fainted and he showed you to a doctor and everything is fine and it was just exertion, maybe from working overtime , Riya , baby we will pay this loan off but you need to take care of yourself Okay ?”, he says in a soothing and a scolding tone as if I am an eight year old. “Ashutosh brought you home and even insisted that you take a day or two off.”, he says. " I don't remember all of this!”, I practically shout. Okay now I am really acting like a little child. I must be pretty tired I guess and I cover myself with my favourite red and white quilt and fall asleep once again.

When I wake up, I find Prateek gone. My phone pings and there is a message from Ashutosh, my boss. I expect a “How are you?" message.

But as soon as I scroll past the message and see the video attached with it... I go numb and I feel all my plans, dreams, hopes shatter to pieces. My plans for a family, a career, a happy life vanish and I see only darkness and loneliness. No positive quote, no hope comes to me. I rewind that video shot by my boss of his raping me in my mind and scream loudly. I want to run from this life and undo yesterday. But, I can't and that pains me. He wants me to come to office on Monday, so that he can again use my body and tear my soul.

That's what exactly happened today. When I came in, I felt his greedy eyes on me as if mentally undressing me. He took me to his cabin where, I felt my integrity fall to the floor with my clothes, bit by bit. After he was finished he left me there with my soul dead and my heart bleeding.

Now, I am walking through the streets aimlessly. Shall I tell Prateek? Whom should I talk to? Mumma? Will Prateek accept me? Will I ever have a family?

A car passes by me and I see a man driving the car, his kids and wife chattering away happily , with not a thing to care about in the world and I wish I could have a family like him... a life like him...

2.

My wife is happily chatting with our children Aditi and Adi. Oh! My children, I am very worried for them...how will they react to this news? I don't know how Sanya could do it. I remember when she broke the news of our divorce two days back..."I want out.” She says her tone cool. “Why?” I ask desperate. “You know why.” she says. “I and Ashok have become very close and I finally feel that I have found the true love of my life. He is charming, supportive and rich. Very much unlike you, Shivam. You can’t even afford a better school for our children! House loan is paid on my salary and you don’t even take me out somewhere. When was the last time we went out? On our honeymoon I guess. So, it’s over.” “No, it isn’t, I won’t sign the papers and you can’t leave me like this.” I say pleading. “It is. If you don’t sign willingly, you will have Ashok’s lawyers kicking your ass off .” she says as a matter of factly. “We will keep the kids, Shivam. You can meet them as and when you like, just don’t create a mess. Leave me in peace and no will be hurt.” she says her tone calm, cool and devoid of any emotion.

We have not told the kids about all this yet. Sanya has decided they will be sent to boarding school for a year while we carry on the formalities for the divorce. She says I haven’t supported her. I guess she forgot how when her parents passed I was the shoulder on which she kept her head and cried. I searched jobs for her, I made notes for her interviews, I was the one with whom she shared her problems. When did this bastard Ashok did came? She was my pole star, my solid ground. How can she end a marriage of seven years within seven minutes? I feel like a big hole has been dug in my chest which I won’t be ever able to fill. My future plans and retirement plans and plans to see my children grow are smashed. My heart has been deforested of these hopes and dreams… Keeping my eyes on the road ahead I see a sleek , jet black , Audi R8 and I wish I could have that much money so that my Sanya would always stay with me…I wish I could have a life like the person in that car…

3.

I am gazing out the window of the new car which my dad bought last week. It’s an Audi, of course and I am going to my dance classes. To be honest, I don’t care whatever my dad buys because it’s just for my brother as he is “The Boy” of the house. Since my childhood I have been told that I have to go and marry a rich guy and get settled. I am 16 now and I have finally decided that I would become a teacher. “This is not the career for girls like you, Neha. Girls who belong to such families.” my relatives say. Well, go to hell people I am gonna become a teacher even if I have to fight my parents for it. My problems don’t end here… I am not very good-looking and I have this set of braces and glasses. I look a geek and that’s why my boyfriend left me because he can’t tolerate comments by others on me. So no matter how much money you have you don’t get the love of your life. I am depressed as hell and irritated because of the jokes cracked on me. I sit alone and no one pretty much says Hi to me. I guess they all are right ; maybe I am good for nothing… no love, no life. I just read books and listen  to songs. Every teenager has some self-negativity to an extent but still they have friends but I have not. Then what’s the use of this money? My parents didn’t even for once ask me that How am I ? They are too busy in running a business and they don’t even that I have started taking drugs. Yes, drugs. I know they are harmful and shit but it makes my life feel a little less fucked up. The relief a sniff provides me is immense. I am doing the wrong thing but is life fair to me ? Giving me no love no friends ? As these thoughts fill my mind, I see a an old couple sitting on the footpath, huddled close together and feeding each other lunch… I can give all of my money to get someone to love me like that… I wish I could have a life like them…

4.

Finally, almost after a week of hard work I was able to afford a full day’s meal for my beloved. She is sitting close to me, on the cold footpath and eating chapattis. I can see the satisfaction in her eyes. Even old she looks beautiful. “Even old you look handsome” she says between mouthfuls. How does she do that? “Speak your thoughts?” she says again and laughs at my insect-like astonished expression. We do love each other we really do. But, we don’t have long together… last month we went for a free-medical checkup, held by an NGO, I was diagnosed with stage three lung cancer. “Lung Cancer, Stage 3” they said and hearing this I instantly regretted every single puff of cigarette I ever took. “You have approx one year” they said and dismissed me. There is this funny thing I realized about death, if you come to know the exact time when you are going to go then it feels more painful. If we hadn’t known that I had cancer, then probably one day I would have stopped breathing and my wife would never have known that it was cancer. When I told her, she didn’t even blink an eye, no tears, nothing. She knew that we didn’t have any money to afford two-square meals so cancer treatment is out of question. I mend shoes for a living and these days’ people prefer to buy new shoes rather than getting them mended. After a year or so I will not be there anymore and I shiver at this thought. I am not worried about my death because death is inevitable but I don’t know what she will do without me. After forcing her a lot, she agreed to learn my work so that she could earn something and at least survive after I am gone. I see a guy of about 25 years running; probably doing an exercise … I wish I could have a health like him… a life like him…

5.

With a hot-pulsating beat blaring in my ears, I am running down the pavement and the people around me are a blur. My thoughts are somewhere else entirely. Last year, I was the victim of a drug-taking ring. To be honest to myself I wasn’t the victim I was one of the criminals. But fortunately my dad had the right contacts and I was saved. Otherwise my sports career would have ended then and there. Now I feel how a drug addict should feel. I have vowed not to use steroids but how can I control myself? They give me the relaxation, the energy, the confidence which no one can provide. I crave for drugs like a child does for a candy. But I need to control myself because if I get caught again then my reputation is finished.They say that leave drugs they are harmful for health and addictive. But have they ever tried it? Health is required to live life. But what is the use of living long if you don’t do what you want? Oh! I mustn’t think like that. I feel like my soul is fighting off itself. One side I want to go and buy a little of heroine , just a sniff but a part of me knows if I do that I won’t be able to control myself from taking another sniff and so on. I find myself alone and isolated. I need counseling my dad said. But no counselor can know how hard it is to fight with yourself. No one tries to know how I feel or what am I thinking. Everyone sees this fit body but no one can understand what I am going through. I feel the best way to end this problem is to keep running until my legs bleed… I wish I hadn’t committed that mistake when I was young… I see a rag picker of about 17 years old eating a burger happily and in his eyes I see satisfaction , he may have problems but he is enjoying the moment…Seeing him I wish I could get that age back…

6.

That teary-eyed girl left me a totally clean burger, not even the wrapping removed in the garbage bin. I am happy beyond words! I had finished my rag-picking for the day and was about to leave, when I saw her throwing something inside the bin. On a second thought I went to have a look and found the burger! I am damn happy. Okay, climate has taken a sudden change and it will be a bit difficult for me to spend the winters but I manage that every year.

I roam back to my friends who live in the temple. “Hi! Shiva ji” I give a hi-fi to Shiva ji’s statue. Then I sit on the steps and finish my burger. Now the darkness has enveloped the city and all (thanks to Edison) street lights and temple lights are switched on. Following my daily schedule, I take out my books and start to read the brand new book which Ramu chacha , a scrap dealer gave me as my birthday gift. Well, I really don’t remember my birthday but Ramu chacha has made it a custom to gift me books every year as my birthday present. He is a very nice man you know.

After my not-so-rich parents passed, I had nowhere to go.No shelter, no food nothing. Yes, I felt hopeless and confused. I was 15 years old then. Slowly and slowly I got accustomed to the fact that in this world no one has got your back, you have to take care of your own self. I started working as a newspaper boy cum sweeper cum rag picker. I survived somehow. Then my interest in reading increased and I used to read the stories in the morning paper. I also started working part-time in Ramu chacha’s shop and all the time I used to look at people and wished that I could have a life like them and how God was unfair giving me all the problems. But then one day, Ramu chacha was talking to me on this topic and I told him that what I think and he said in the most kind manner,

“Well son, we all have problems everyone is so busy thinking about their own that they don’t notice the other one is also suffering from some or the other problem. You might think that no one is having problems. But my son, someday forget about your own and just gaze out on the road … you will see a warrior in each person, everyone has their own battles and everyone is walking towards a set aim or goal. Someday, sit in a temple and hear to the prayers of the people praying. Someone is asking for a promotion, the someone for good marks, or someone else prays for a good husband or cure from an illness and so on . Someone has no love or some has suffered a great loss or betrayal. Problems don’t end, they change with time. We give ourselves hope that everything will be fine in the near future, without realizing that maybe some two-three years ago we must have said the same thing to ourselves.”

This made me realize that we all have something to worry about or some problem to solve because after all, what will be the use of life then? Solving our little problems takes us one step closer to greatness and don’t think that when you will reach your destination your worries will never end. There is no such thing as “Happily-after” then let’s make the most of this moment . Smile a bit and I promise you that won’t do you any harm, take a deep breath and live life.

***

You are getting it right? I mean I know it’s too complicated but just stop for a second and turn the pages of this story and see the problems you just read, the girl who was raped and has to face her boss day after day, the guy who is struggling to save his marriage, the girl who has views against the society, an old man who does not have a life, a drug-addict in rehab and an orphan child working to meet ends.

Your problems are bigger than these? I guess not, even if they are then there is a tiny-miny light called hope which reminds us that there is no question paper without an answer key!

So, people it’s enough now, crying over your problems. Get focused, work hard, set an aim, and work for it. Collect all your problems in one place and create a mental list. Make a note that you can only solve your problems! No one else can! Your life will change for good and you will make that happen! Everything happens for a reason! It’s simple… understand your problem, work out a solution and then… then what?? Just do it, dude! : P

THE END