z

Young Writers Society



Leisure of Mind

by weallfeardeath


Preface

I felt his cold, elongated fingers brush almost tenderly across the bandage on my wrist and up my restrained right arm.

"YOU'VE DONE IT NOW" He hissed into my ear, the tip of his forked tongue flicking my ear lobe and his cold breath seeping down the back of my neck and across my face.

My eyes snapped open but I refused to roll over and face him. I didn't want to see him, I wouldn't see him. No. He was supposed to be gone, I was supposed to be gone...When I dragged that knife across my wrist, it was all supposed to go away...

"BUT YOU'RE STILL HEEEEEERE" He chuckled rudely now from across the room, leaning against the opposing wall and looking down upon me. He stood slightly over six feet tall and wore a black down mohawk that reached just below his stern jaw line. His eyes were completely black which contrasted with his literally white skin and white, sharply tapered teeth. Every work he spoke seemed to come out in all capitals with a menacing hiss to follow each word.

I refused to acknowledge his words, to acknowledge that he was even there anymore. Tears began to fill my eyes as I thought about the fact that here I was, lying in a hospital bed because I had tried to kill myself to get rid of a voice in my head.

"LOOK AT ME!" He screamed directly into my face and I snapped to follow his demand.

"Zed, why are you still here....?" My voice faded away as I choked out my sentence, completelyafraid of what Zed may say.

"TO TAKE CARE OF YOU BABE. YOU NEED ME. YOU STILL NEED ME. DID YOU ACTUALLY THINK I WOULD LET YOU OFF YOURSELF?! YOU STILL NEED ME AND BABE, I STILL NEED YOU." Zed seemed to be laughing at me but we both knew he was completely right. I needed his strength, and for some reason, he needed me too....

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532 Reviews

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Wed Oct 17, 2012 6:49 pm
GeeLyria wrote a review...



Hi there, weallfeardeath.

I think your piece lacks organization, there are problems with the punctuation, and abuse of capitalization. The beginning was neat, for it compliments the title and stimulates the reader to keep going. In general, the idea of this chapter is pretty thrilling and that is good. Although, I think the ending lacks something; perhaps a hint of why they needed each other (Was the MC crazy? If so, show it in a more direct way) --> Why? Because, most likely, it will lead the reader to the next chapter. I'd like you to give us a little more.

In my opinion, the sketch of a story/chapter should be like this:
Beginning: Interesting; Provoke curiosity.
In Between: Entertaining.
Ending: Thrilling.

Now let's talk about appearance. It does matter! Especially in writing, because when a text looks not-professional, people tend to not read. In other words, people tend to judge for the cover, and that is not amusing when it comes to something that has potential. We need real paragraphs. You don't need to capitalize a whole sentence, that's what exclamation points are for. I'll just show you how I'd do it. You take and leave what you find most adequate.

Spoiler! :
Chapter 1: The Hospital Room

I felt his cold, elongated fingers brush almost tenderly across the bandage on my wrist and up my restrained right arm.

"You've done it now," he hissed into my ear. The tip of his forked tongue flicking my ear lobe and his cold breath seeping down the back of my neck and across my face.

My eyes snapped open, but I refused to roll over and face him. I didn't want to see him; I wouldn't see him. No. He was supposed to be gone. I was supposed to be gone! When I dragged that knife across my wrist, it was all supposed to go away...

"But you're still here!" He chuckled rudely from across the room, leaning against the opposing wall, and looking down upon me.

He stood slightly over six feet tall and wore a black down Mohawk that reached just below his stern jaw line. His eyes were completely black, which contrasted with his literally white skin, and white sharply tapered teeth. Every word he spoke seemed to come out in all capitals with a menacing hiss to follow each word. I refused to acknowledge his words; to acknowledge that he was even there anymore. Tears began to fill my eyes as I thought about the fact that here I was, lying on a hospital bed because I had tried to kill myself to get rid of a voice in my head.

"Look at me!" He screamed directly into my face and I snapped to follow his demand.

"Zed, why are you still here?" My voice faded away as I choked out my sentence, completely afraid of what Zed may say.

"To take care of you, babe. You need me. You still need me. Did you actually think I would let you off by yourself!? You still need me, and babe, I still need you."

Zed seemed to be laughing at me, but we both knew he was completely right. I needed his strength, and for some reason, he needed me too...


"Every word he spoke seemed to come out in all capitals with a menacing hiss to follow each word." <-- Love that sentence, by the way. Especially when there are no useless capitals. Lol.

Overall, I think it could be better, but it definitely has potential. Keep writing!

~Sol






Thank you very much for the review, I appreciate it, but I feel the need to defend a few points you made. I chose to use "writer's license" in my writing style, much like very famous authors such as Terry Pratchet and Herbert Shelby Jr. I chose to use all capitals in some places and capitalize "He" and "Him" to show that the character is like a God or the Devil to her. I understand that you felt my writing lacked a professional gleam about it and I agree, but I also did this intentionally for adding detail of a character's personality and how he is viewed by another character. I will be editing this once I have finished this reply. Thank you.



GeeLyria says...


Understandable. And quite interesting. :) You're welcome.



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Tue Oct 16, 2012 11:35 pm
veeren wrote a review...



A little back story would be nice if you don't plan on continuing this. While this seems interesting, I feel likes its a bit poorly written. Though not so bad I have to get into detail about it. But it's really hard to tell whether this Zed guy is a voice in her head or a real person. Now this is either very good or very bad. Very good it is just a voice, or very bad if it's not.
That being said, this is a very interesting idea for a story. Whether it's about a girl who was kidnapped (apparently) or about a girl fighting with herself, it's very well thought out. I'd love to see more of this to see how it progresses.
Keep up the good work!






Thank you very much. This was mainly just a one shot to see what people thought of the idea. I plan on adding moire back story and adding allot more too it. I appreciate your review and opinions greatly.



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Tue Oct 16, 2012 5:38 pm
Sourdude16 wrote a review...



Great writing. This is a new way to see someone put voices in their head into words or into a unique work about people who have voices. I feel like I actually know how the character feels and I can feel the fear of the Character.
This work could definately be made into a good book, but as a rule of thumb I think the chapters should be slightly longer and go over a more wider array of how the story began. Keep working on this novel and I will be sure to keep reading.






Thank you very much. I plan on making the chapters MUCH longer and adding allot more. Thank you for the help!




A good artist should be isolated. If he isn't isolated, something is wrong.
— Orson Welles