Hi waywardxwallflower,
Mailice here with a short review!
You've got a really great style going here. I like your story and how you connect it with physics. This monotony that Francis experiences is I think the core of the story and how you can interpret it as a reader. I especially like how you write it with a light style, allowing the reader to think for themselves.
You have a very fluid style and I like the way you sometimes add climaxes and interject questions. This makes the whole story seem as if the reader is watching a kind of documentary where suddenly the fourth wall is broken. These short interjections give me as a reader a good indication of where you want to go with the plot.
Some points that struck me while reading:
Let's start with your introduction right away; I really like it. You put in a great humorous sentence without taking the whole story down the wrong path. I like the way you use the repetition of "one could", which is great. I noticed (and unfortunately it's on the third "One Could") that you use a different verb; first "hear", then both times "see". If you could manage to change the last (or second) "see" to "speak" it would make a really excellent connection. (I think these are these three monkeys, don´t see evil, don´t hear evil and don´t speak evil)
His pinstriped suit and fedora draped askance, his well-shined shoes and too-white teeth glinted in the starlight, and his gentle humming of some jaunty tune he'd played on the radio earlier echoed through the otherwise soundless void.
Actually, I would say here that the sentence is a bit too long, but with your wonderful description, I can't help but congratulate you. I like his clothes and one can really imagine Francis very well, as you wrote it. You've combined it with other means, which has a good effect on the reading flow.
His back held the ghost of an ache from curling up under the covers unmoving, reading of exotic tortoises, memorable plagues throughout history, Barbie dolls.
Looks a bit like my Wikipedia history when I'm bored.
through his eyes and back out in the form of small tears when he yawned.
Beautiful portrayal!
He spent minutes here; he spent hours here. He did not know the difference between the two, nor did he want to.
This is a matter of taste, but if you could add, "he spent days here", you could create a climax through your intensification, which can contribute to the stylistic representation of the plot.
He merely existed, watching the sands of time tick by while his own were smelted into glass, unmoving.
Another great description! Very philosophical.
Now, I didn't pay much attention to mistakes, and as far as I could see, you didn't have anything out of the ordinary here that could catch the reader's eye. I like how you created a very philosophical text, combined with realism and physics. I like it when you have texts like that, where you end up sitting there, thinking for yourself a little bit. Because I think that with the story you want to express how Francis lives a life of monotony, without being directly influenced by the lives of others and always just standing in the background, seeing what others are doing. Because of this seclusion, he can't age or build relationships, which is why he wonders what he is. I think there are people out there in the world who feel the same way, do exactly what Francis does, and only see rather than participate. You really did a great job with that.
I like how over the course of the plot, the narrator's voice continues to remain neutral, without favouring either side to let the reader make up their own mind.
A very unusual story! I liked it very much!
Have fun writing!
Mailice.
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Reviews: 1232
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