Published November 14, 2006
I remember
walking through the steamy night
mid July
after it had rained for hours upon hours
upon hours
hoping to catch a glimpse
of your bright red truck
to confirm my dream,
you had finally come home.
I remember the sweet smell
of rum
when you kissed me hello
I should have known not to hold onto that kiss forever
for it was also a goodbye.
I remember
the fight
the fright
of sitting all alone in a dark room
listening to breaking objects,
my emotions.
In the morning it rained
for hours and hours again
but I refused to take another walk.
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140,586 Literary Works • 673,540 Reviews
This reminds me of the poem "My Papa's Waltz". I thought you had a good ending here - work on knowing what your story is, it seems a little vague, though the idea is there.
Just a couple of thoughts right now, as I'm short on time, sleep and concentrational ability.
Structure and line breaks: specifically, why have you put the breaks where you have? Usually the point is either to aid the rhythm and meter or to to draw specific attention to one word or section. In this, it basically looks as if you've just put them where you felt like, with only the most cursory of thoughts about *why*.
Rhythm and meter are vital, and if you don't start making your lines more regular and rhythmic, you're going to struggle to establish that vital subconscious connection with the reader. Get 'em standardised a little.
Imagery: generally good! I was impressed at home much you managed to take traditional images and give them a new breath of life - things like rainy days and long walks can often be horrendously overused in poems, but you've made them sound very attractive, im my humble opinion.
However, be wary - there are some points where your expressions are starting to get a little stock and cliche: things like 'sitting in a dark room/breaking emotions' or the idea of 'kisses also being a goodbye' have been pretty much wrung of all the usage their going to get in poetry. Unless you've got an absolutely unique and exceptional way of phrasing images like that, do try and avoid using them. They just make experienced readers wince.
Anyway, I think you're certainly showing plenty of potential, you just need to start figuring out poetic technique a little more, and getting the mechanics of rhythm and meter, and I think you'll find you're able to a whole lot more. Best advice you'll likely ever get is also the most common: READ poetry, as much as you can and as varied as you can. If you're serious about improving your skills, that's pretty much the best thing you can do.
Good luck! Hope to see you around some more.
watergirlwriter3--
Please refrain from posting any more poetry until you have reviewed three or four pieces by other users.
Thanks,
Brad