I feel the presence of you
the joy, the laughter, those things that you once new
I feel the presure of you
the worry that I went through
You sit there with expectations so great
If I don't act soon I fear I'll be too late
You might get up and leave
there might be another "vision" to see
An easier me.
Some girl to give up all that she has
or, by the time you get to her, all that she had
But while I want to make you stay
part of me feels a different way
Life would be so much better if you went
I could relive past years again
Years I so unwisly spent
I could be free and so could you
Maybe if I let you go
it would be the best thing anyone could possibly do
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,024 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
Hey there.
I've got a fair mix of technical and interpretation details to cover here.
First off, flow.
In poetry, flow is going to be affected by a lot of things and the issues within this poem, is based a lot on the structure and the punctuation. I could actually stretch that farther to say capitalization since it is semi inconsistent to the style that's being developed here.
1. The structure needs changing for the issue of flow and for the ease of the reader. A common issue I find in people new to writing poetry is wanting to group all those ideas together, and assure that the reader knows it's one solid idea. Except this is poetry and each poem has a base theme that's established earlier on. Any sub idea established through a stanza is allowed to be split because it recognizes the different parts of the poem and also clears up confusion.
--> Further explanation of last point: clears up confusion by making the poem easier to digest, and therefore better feedback on what the base idea is. if they reader can't get down to the message because of roadblocks along the way, they're most likely not going to get the point.
2. Now you don't necessarily need to use stanzas. Well it would be nice to have 2 stanzas, rather than one big hunk. What I was thinking of structurally was making the line length more uniform. Whenever I see lines jutting out all over the place, it puts me off a bit from reading the rest of the poem, just because I know it will most likely be hard to get through.
3. That being said, it did take me some effort to get through this poem and when I reached the end, I wasn't particularly impressed by the message. It just feels like another sappy romance poem and that's not always a bad thing, it's just further hurt by the execution. If you want this poem to be perhaps more dramatic and emotional, the solution comes in imagery.
So overall, it's an okay start.
Needs work, with the message and the structure.
Happy revmo.
- lizz
Ok cool. there are some really good features in this poem. good work. i really love the way your rhyming isnt forced.
this has real potential. well done!
i think you could improve on some aspects of this so i hope i can be of some help.
Firstly, punctuation is always really necessary and shouldn't be only occasionally used.
I think that u need a few more commas because otherwise, bits run into others and it got slightly hard to follow near the middle. It might be an idea to add a few in.
Also, in the second line, i think you mean 'knew' instead of 'new'
just a thought
anyway, good work!
hope i have been of some help!
T'was pretty good. Didn't blow me away, but I liked "Some girl to give up all that she has/or, by the time you get to her, all that she had". Keep writing.