The haze cleared, the silence echoed.
The smell of smoke, gunpowder lingered in the air.
The first few drops fell, then the torrential rain,
And the sky wept for those who fell.
The people who fled did come back,
only to witness the ruin of their world.
"Doesn't matter", they said, "we'll build it again."
But their hearts wrenched with the loss.
The families reunited, but not all.
A mother still waited for her son on the porch.
The children stared at their destroyed schools.
Others searched the ruins for their youth.
Those in power, they beamed with joy.
"We won the war", they acclaimed, "we led you to victory."
But the cost, the questions in those empty eyes,
they never cared for,
the thousands of lives ruined for their cause.
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I'm curious what war is this the aftermath of? I want to know being the person I am.
My favorite lines are
"The haze cleared, the silence echoed.
The smell of smoke, gunpowder lingered in the air."
This makes me wonder if there was just a battle.But when did the haze appear? Was it always there or did it appear during the war?
" "Doesn't matter", they said, "we'll build it again."
But their hearts wrenched with the loss."
This makes me feel as if the war isn't really over inside their heads.I want to know is it?
Hello,
Thanks a lot for reading this! Actually, I didn't write this based on any particular war. I feel, no matter where the war is being fought or for what reason, the aftermath is generally the same for the public. But I got the inspiration for this piece from The Old Man at the Bridge by Ernest Hemingway.
By “haze,” I am literally referring to the smoke on the battlefield. But poetically, I am trying to refer to the fact that the consequences of a war come to light only after it is over. So when the haze clears, people can see all the destruction and agony that swept across the land where the fighting took place.
Does the restoration that follows the destruction bring back the city or town those people remember? I feel it doesn't. And that's what I am trying to say. Even if they build it again, it's just a reflection of their past lives, the lives they can no longer go back to.
Hope this helps!
it does
Hello wanyuan! It's AJ here for a review. This is a really good poem about the aftermath of a war. When wars happen we rarely think about the people lost in it. And this brings that to light.
The haze of battle clearing. And all that's left is silence. Dead silence.
You immediately describe the sensory details with this. But I think you could do with adding a bit more. more than just the smell.
The last two lines are just beautiful. Just absolutely beautiful.
Right where I bolded it. There's a small typo. It should be 'matter," they' Small typo.
These people are trying to convince themselves and each other that it's okay. But deep down it hurts oh so much. They've lost their homes and loved ones.
This is the saddest part of the poem. The human loss. Especially the mother waiting on the porch for her son. I do think you could change the wording of the second line. "A mother waited on the porch for her son." It's mostly preference, but I think it would flow better like that.
Another small thing here. Same grammar issue with the comma and parentheses. The first line could be rewritten to be "Those in power beamed with joy." But again, preference on my part.
Overall, this is a really good poem. It brings to light the human cost of a war. There's just a few grammar things that need to be fixed and it'll be great!
Keep living and writing!
AJ
Hello AJ,
Thanks a lot for the review..... I'm glad you liked the poem. And especially, thank you for pointing out the mistakes. I'll keep them in mind.
No problem. Mistakes help us learn.
Hey there!
This poem is well thought out for something that's happened after a war.
The first few drops fell, then the torrential rain,
And the sky wept for those who fell.
Wow. I loved this part. It's truly beautiful and lyrical.
This shows a deep loss that stays in your hearts.
It shows that certain people could care less if they lost people who worked hard for their safety. And that others will mourn the loss of their loved ones.
I think that some people would read this a couple of times to fully get its understanding, but it's great work.
I definitely would like to read more poems in the future!
~ Jaye.
Thanks a lot for your review..... I am glad you liked it