z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

I know you meant well.

by waningwriter


She grabbed me by the shoulders and slammed me against my bedroom wall.

"You're so pathetic you know that?" She yelled at me, "So petty!" Bringing me from the wall she slammed me against it again, "I was trying to help you!" I was slammed again. "Everyday I would see you sitting alone, everyday I would see you get bullied and teased because you are different from us! I started talking to you because I didn't want you to get picked on anymore! I didn't want you to be alone!" She slammed me against the wall with every breath she took. I lifted my hands from my sides and grabbed onto her wrists, pushing her away as her head fell to her chest, she began to shake. Was she crying? Why is this hurting her more than it was hurting me? Does she expect me to feel remorse? Does she expect me to fight back?

"I didn't ask you to save me." She looked up at me, as if I had stabbed her in the heart. "I didn't ask you to talk to me. Don't try to blame this on me." I pushed her away from me, "Have you ever thought that maybe I didn't need your help, huh? I didn't need it. I was comfortable with who I was. I was OK like that. I had gotten used to being alone. I was fine with it, I am fine with it." She furrowed her eyebrows and narrowed her eyes at me, "I'm used to the screaming of my parents, I'm used to the divorce threats, it's so familiar to me that the thought of not hearing them yell at one another causes panic in me. I'm used to hiding under the blankets, it's what I do." I took in a deep breath, "I'm alone because I knew this would happen," I gestured to her, "My life isn't ordinary, I can't expect you to understand that, I can't expect anyone to, that's why I've been alone for so long." I wiped her tears away, "I choose to sit alone in the library during lunch, I choose to skip school outings, it's my choice."

She straightened up and looked at me. Then she slapped me.

"Then you really are heartless." She spat. "How could you just pretend like this is all normal? It's not! Can't you see that others care for you!? Can't you see that we are willing to put our lives on hold because we want to help you!? Or are you just too dumb to understand that, huh?" She pushed me to the wall again, "If that's what you want, then we'll leave you alone. We won't bother you. We'll let you sit alone in the library during lunch, and we won't worry about you when we're on school outings." She grabbed her bag from my bed. "I'll see you at school, where I'll just pretend like you never existed."

I looked at her as she walked out of my room and slammed the door behind her, I tilted my head and bit my lip. "Heartless, huh?" I crossed my arms, "I'd have had to have had a heart in the first place to be heartless."

...It's been a long day.

Ps. Thank you to the reviews given and tips offered. 

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107 Reviews

Points: 487
Reviews: 107

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Wed Mar 30, 2016 4:01 am
XxXTheSwordsmanXxX wrote a review...



Greetings,

This was an interesting piece. I can't really put my finger on what it is really about. Is it about being alone? or is it about someone not wanting the help that is being given? That may be something that is up to the reader. The idea of leaving it for them to decide is an option.

Your first line, which is often one of the most important, is very gripping. Good hook into the story. It makes the reader immediately interested in why the main character is being slammed against a wall.

There are a few grammatical mistakes that I noticed.

In the second paragraph you write, "pushing her away as her head fell to her chest, she begun to shake." With the present tense that you had been using thus far that should be "began to shake."

Another is immediately after the previous one. "She was she crying?" It is a confusing statement. I think you were looking for, "Was she crying?"

"She crossed her eyebrows and narrowed her eyes at me." Crossed her eyebrows? I think you meant arms here. But I did get a humorous image of what someone crossing their eyebrows would look like.

The main character lifts the other girl's face to look at her, but you already had the girl glaring at her just moments prior. Did her head fall down again?

"Then you are really heartless" The flow of this is off. I think it should go, "Then you really are heartless."

Last pick I swear. "I'd had to have had a heart..." I think this needs to be rephrased. It doesn't flow right. Try going with, "I'd have to have had a heart..." I think it fits a little better for someone saying it.

Overall, this was a great piece about, in my opinion, a person that is in need of help, but doesn't want it. A lot of the time that is half the battle, getting someone to want the help being offered.

Happy Writing!




waningwriter says...


Two things I'd like to say, firstly; Thank you. I appreciate that you took time out from your day and read over my piece, it really is an amazing feeling knowing someone appreciates your writing.

Secondly; Thank you, again, for the tips. I will be sure to implement them into this story and any further stories I may write. While writing this piece however, I did feel that there were many things wrong in it and with the phrases/words I used, I just couldn't quite get to the correct words, so thank you, again.



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123 Reviews

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Tue Mar 29, 2016 8:48 pm
FatCowsSis wrote a review...



Hey waningwriter. I would like to point out that I do not intend any ill will in this review. While I don't have many "negative" things to say, I do not wish to hurt you by making negative comments about such an emotional piece.

Okay, so first off: I LOVED THIS!

She grabbed me by the shoulders and slammed me against my bedroom wall.

This first line grabbed my attention immediately. It's amazing how critical the first line in a piece can be, and I have to compliment you for the attention-grabber.

Throughout the entire piece these questions were filling my mind: What exactly is going on?Who is this stranger?
But I believe my main question was simply why. There are a lot of continuations of this question, i.e. Why were they in the bedroom, at a home? The simple fact of being at a place of residence brings on a whole new set of questions that crave to be answered, however you kept suspense throughout the piece, which I also found to be incredibly enjoyable.

As far as criticism goes, I do not have much to say. Perhaps there were a couple of grammatical errors, but nothing jumps to mind. I cannot criticize you on the content of this piece for obvious reasons, but even if I did not like the piece, I cannot fault you for my opinion.

I would however like to point out my favorite portion of this.
"Heartless, huh?" I crossed my arms, "I'd had to have had a heart in the first place to be heartless."

This is beautiful.

Thank you for this! I am sorry to hear that it has been a long day for you, but I hope that good things are to come. Keep writing my friend,
Sis




waningwriter says...


Thank you for your comment, I'm especially thankful for the first comment you made, the fact that you loved the first line. As someone who has trouble starting off how she would like to write her stories, I can't tell you how much that means to me. As far as criticism goes, you are most welcome to comment anything that you think could have been done better, I would appreciate that (as someone who is only scratching the surface of writing.) Lastly; thank you for wishing good things on me, I appreciate that. I hope your days to come will be good as well.



FatCowsSis says...


You are so very much welcome! And I apologize, I'm not the best at criticism, but I hope some others have helped you more in that area :)




I am proud of my self, the reason why some of you might disagree with me a little with, but nevertheless I still proud.
— Oxara